I didn't really do much of anything today. Other than go to the gym, go tanning, and then work an 8 hour shift in the emergency room. My life in the ER is starting to change drastically. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot talk to my co-workers about anything if I don't want some bizzare rumor going around about me. Rumors are spread like the plague at that place. And I find it funny how the people who never seem to realize you exist, care so incredibly much when you are upset and/or crying. Which is exactly why I have started distancing myself. Now, I go into work, get my job done, and go home. No more of this chit chatting with everyone like they are my friends or something. Because I know damn well that they aren't even close to being considered a friend... otherwise they wouldn't talk so much crap about everyone just for their own personal entertainment.

The begining of my shift started pretty decent I suppose. It could have been worse. When I got there I signed in, so that I could get paid, said "hi" to all those who cared enough to even notice that I was there, and I began getting my work done. While I was stocking one of the rooms, Steve (one of our kick ass charge nurses) came into the room and asked me if I was ok. To avoid having to talk about what was bothering me, I slapped on a happy face and told him that nothing was wrong. Tony finally called me a couple hours later and I went into the EMS room for a little bit of privacy and called him back. Come to find out, some of the guys in the barracks have a bet going on... which one of us (Tony or myself) is going to get cold feet. He informed me that 75% of the guys think I will get cold feet, and the other 25% put their money on Tony. When he told me that... I was hurt. How could anyone bet money on someone's relationship?! I realize that they are all probably bored out of their skulls and are just trying to entertain themselves, but please... get to know me before you start making such awful judgements like that about me. Needless to say, when I got off the phone with him I buried my face in my hands and I started to cry. No mare than a minute later, one of the registration girls (who I know talks about me behind my back every chance she gets) walked in and asked me if I was okay as she walked over to me and put her hand on my head. I would not talk to her about anything going on in my life even she was the last person on the face of this Earth! So all I told her was that I just needed to cry it out. But what I really felt like telling her was that if she put her hands on me again... my fist would be slammed directly in her face! I somehow was able to bite my tongue.
The rest of my shift was all downhill from there. Tony was all I could think about! I think less than an hour had passed before my eyes started to uncontrolably water again. I made a B-line straight for the EMS room and finished releasing my tears. Steve then walked out of the bathroom and told me he knew something was wrong with me the minute I walked into the department. Instead of insisting that I talk about it, he asked if there was anything he could do to help. I was so caught up in sadness that I couldn't even speak, I just managed to shake my head no. He reassured me that if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I wish more of my co-workers were like that. Just let me know you're there for me if I need anything. Don't tell me I need to talk about it and that's it not healthy for me to hold it all in. Saying that kind of crap to me will get you a reaction.. and not the one you were looking for either. You'll be rather lucky if I don't end up beating the bloody veins out of you. Yeah, I'm sad right now... but go ahead and test me... my sadness can turn to anger in less than .2 seconds. So if a fight is what you're looking for.. then try me.

I'm rather tired right now.. I'm thinking I may not need to rely on benadryl tonight. Let's hope.

I slept so well last night. I'm guessing it might have something to do with the fact I had been up for well over 24 hours and my sister gave me one of her sleepy pills to make damn sure that I'd sleep well last night. It worked. However, Tony ended up calling me around the same time that sleepy pill started to work. Then he tells me that had already gotten back from their mission about 45 minutes prior to his call. The reason behind him waiting so long to call me was because he had gotten some phone calls from other people and chit chatted with them for a little... as he doesn't talk to them nearly enough as he talks to me. I completely understood the position he was in, although it also saddened me that I stayed home all day yesterday incase he was able to call me periodically throughout the day and waiting for him to get home from this mission so that I could talk to him. That is honestly the highlight of my day. But I suppose I shouldn't look at the picture like that because on the upside of it all, he is coming home in 13 days and a wake up... so that we can get married!! :-)

Speaking of getting married.. I know damn well what I should be doing right now which is exactly why I started this blog... hoping it would distract me enough so that I'd end up forgetting that I desperately need to be at the gym right now. I'm pretty much disgusted with myself.. although I have lost about 7 pounds in the last week and a half. And I honestly have no idea how I managed that. I wasn't even trying. Eh. Who knows. But I guess I really shouldn't procrastinate any more than I already have... Off to the gym I go!



I am back now. I didn't really have all that good of a workout. My body is just so tired! I think I used up any and all energy I had today just walking out of the house and getting into my car so that I could drive to gym. I really have no idea how I am going to make it through an 8 hour shift today in the emergency room. With the luck that I have (or don't have?) we'll get some sort of trauma or cardia arrest just because my whole body is aching, causing me to function at somewhat of a sluggish pace. I have yet to figure out if I'm more mentally, emotionally, or physically exhausted. My mind continues every minute of the day with all those racing thoughts... most being good thoughts.. but the bad ones seem to float through every now and again. Emotionally I am a wreck.. mostly at night when everyone is asleep.. that is the safest time for me to cry and get it all out of my system without some accusing me of "over-reacting" or being "mentally unstable." Any physically... yeah, my body just has no more fuel left. I'm assuming it has something to do with me not having an appetite lately and relying primarily on caffine to get me through the days.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I snapped on someone around me. But now that I think about it.. I didn't really do anything wrong (cliche.. I know. But it's true!) and I handled the situation fairly well, in my honest opinion. My mom had worked a night shift (7p-7a) Monday night, so when she got home Tuesday morning of course all she wanted to do was sleep. So yesterday as my younger brother is getting ready for work he was making all sorts of loud noises in his room.. moving things around... I don't know. So I went in there and told him to be a little more quiet so that mom doesn't wake up. I was looking out for him at the same time, because if she had woken up due to all the racket he was making, she would have chewed him a new one. And plus I didn't feel like dealing with the foul mood everyone would have been in for the rest of the day. So my brother decides to retaliate with an attitude telling me that he wasn't being loud, this, this, that, and the other thing. I told him that I could hear what he was doing down the hallway right by my parents' bedroom, and I proceeded to walk into the laundry room. He follows me in there to give me yet another attitude. Before he could get even 2 syllables out of his mouth, my hand went directly in the air (you know.. one of those "talk to the hand" motions) and I warned him not to start with me because I was not in the mood to deal with his crap. I was functioning off of no sleep (which was my fault, but atleast I had a reasonable excuse for that) and most of all I was just sad and upset that Tony is so far away from me and that I can't spend everyday with him like I want to. My brother ended up backing up out of the laundry room, shut the door, and went into his room to do whatever it is he needed to do before he went to work. I was left standing in the laundry room attempting to once again choke back my tears. However, I shouldn't have even tried... I knew I was going to be unsuccessful. I couldn't help it. I put my face in my hands and spent some "me" time just crying it all out.

An hour and a half until my shift starts. I suppose I should start mustering up the energy to hop in the shower and get ready to go save some lives. Or atleast attempt to save some lives...

This is one of the pictures I constantly look at. It saddens me. I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the heart with a dull knife. It is one of my favorite pictures and everytime I look at it, I find myself missing him even more than I did before staring at this picture. I ache for the day he can come home and hold me like this once again. I realize it'll happen in 14 days and a wake up... but I want him home for good.. holding me like this everyday for the rest of our lives. Here I go again.. completely incompetent of choking back my tears.

Right now it's 0300. That means only another 1-1 1/2 hours until I get to hear Tony's comforting voice. As tired as I am, I refuse to let myself fall asleep, in fear that I might miss his phone call. He is going to be busy training pretty much all of today, so there will be plenty of time for me to catch up on sleep... or find something to do around the house in hopes that time will pass by even the slightest bit faster... anything to keep from constantly looking at my watch, disappointed to find that only 5 minutes has passed since the last time I looked at it. 52 days since he's been gone. That's it? Not even 2 months and I feel like he's been gone for a year already. He hasn't even hit Iraq yet and I am so painstakingly miserable.

I have come to realize that I am distancing myself from people. First it was my friends. I don't go out any more. No bars. No house parties. What's the point? It's not like I am going to have fun anyway. And secondly, my co-workers. I am forced to be around these people. If I want a paycheck, I have to be there. What the hell is happening to me?! I used to be the most social person anyone could ever meet. Now all I do is keep to myself and converse with my co-workers when absolutely mandatory. I got to work for 1500, like I was scheduled, and noticed that we had about 5 patients total in the emergency room. Most of my "productive" co-workers were sitting around chatting or playing games on the internet. I decided that I couldn't tolerate being near any of them.. let alone even talk to them. All they seem to do is ask me how I am doing, which I constantly lie about. "I'm good." Ha! That's a lie and a half right there. How the hell do they think I am doing? And if they're not asking me that, they are asking how Tony is doing. I understand that they care, or maybe they are just being nosey, but seriously.. why touch that subject. I'm sure is hanging in there just as much as I am. But gosh.. don't even mention his name! It was hard enough for me to rip myself away from staring at my screen saver or scrap book so that I could show up for work on time just to work my ass off for a buck or 2. Why do they feel the need to remind me that he's so far away! It's not like I can forget how much my heart aches each and everyday that I wake up without him next to me!

I am so excited about the fact I will get to see him before he actually goes to Iraq, but I almost don't want to! I know that sounds so bad, but I know I'm going to end up crying everyday that he's home. I just wish that I could tie him up and lock him in my basement. Then he'll have no choice but to stay. I really can't believe how shaky and weak I am over this whole thing. I thought I harbored more strength than this. Maybe that is half the reason I have distanced myself. So that no one sees just how vulnerable and tender I really am.

I wish that there was something I could do at 3:30 in the AM to amuse myself. Unfortunately everyone is sleeping... so vacuuming, doing laundry, or any other form of cleaning is out of the question. There is nothing good on TV. The gym isn't open yet. The only thing left to distract me is the internet. I find myself reading stories or online journals of other woman going through the same thing as I am right now, but they all seem to end the same. Their loved one has returned to them safe and sound. I end up in tears because it is a happy ending. But at the same time I find myself filled with such anger and resentment toward these women. I am outraged at the fact they get to hold their significant other and feel safe in his arms once again and I can't!! It's just not fair! I am being selfish again. But can you blame me? Who wouldn't want to speed up the clocks in such a situation if it were at all possible?!!?

I keep glancing beside me at Max (our short hair chihuahua). He's sleeping so peacefully. That's not fair at all either! I love him to death though. He has kept me company all these lonely nights. But it's not the same. I want to look beside me and see Tony's sweet face and comforting eyes. I don't want to be wrapped in a pile of blankets because I am so cold. I want to be wrapped in Tony's warm embrace! 6 days won't nearly be enough. If anything it'll be a tease. A tease of what I won't have for a year. A tease of what my heart will be crying out for every night for the next 400+ days!

I need to find something to do other than sit here and feel sorry for myself. Maybe find some energy to get ready for the gym so that I can physically exhaust myself to the point where I can't move to clean or do laundry. Just lay in bed and sleep the time away. I'm sure I'll think of something... I hope.

Today I am not all that tired. This comes as a surprise to me... since I barely got any sleep last night. I don't even think it's possible to call what I got last night, sleep. I pretty much tossed and turned while resting my eyes for a good 8 hours. My stomach was in knots all night long. I had a bad feeling about something. Someone is bound to spring some bad news on me before the week is over. If I end up being wrong... I'll be pleasantly satisfied. No more bad news. I've had more than my fair share of that this year. Now that things are finally starting to go right in my life (with the exception of my soldier having to go to Iraq for a year), I'm not quite sure how I'd react to any bad news.

I guess you could say I did catch a little bit of bad news from my friend Gary, who is home from the Marines on a medical leave. He informed me the other day, that if he was still in Iraq.. I'd be attending another funeral. The vehicle that he was assigned to ride in while over at the Sandbox... it got blown up, and everyone in it has passed away. My heart aches for their families... but I cannot lie.. I had that sigh of relief. The one where you mentally thank God that this bad news does not personally affect you, or your hectic life. How selfish it is to think that way. I know. And I will be the first to admit it. But in all honesty.. is there any individual out there who would want to be affected by such a tragedy?! I've been down that road before.. remember?.. 2 military funerals in 1 month. It is beyond difficult... searching for comforting words to say to the families of fallen heros.. it's like losing your wedding band while swimming in the ocean and then trying to look for it. Are you ever going to find it?? Highly unlikey. Is it even worth it? Sure it is.. ultimately for the sake of love and respect.

Wow.. listen to me. Rambling on and on, while I'm sure not many people care what I have to say. But please just humor me, as I am trying to pass the time. I cannot remember the last time I was up so early. Usually I don't wake up until about noon time... or whenever it is that the benadryl decides is time for me to rise up out of the coma it knocked me into the night before. I am running real low on the liquid stuff. I have jumped from taking 4 teaspoons up to 4 tablespoons. I acknowledge the fact that 4 tablespoons is just a tad bit too much.. but I sleep like a baby, that's for damn sure. Last night I had to resort to benadryl pills due to the lack of liquid benadryl that remains. In the past I have been fine taking one 25mg tablet, but I figured with the amount I've been taking of the other stuff that I'd be better off increasing the dose. Anxious for a good night's sleep, 50mg obviously wasn't enough with all the tossing and turning I did. I was afraid of over doing it and taking too big of a dose. Why?.. I have no freaking idea! 4 tablespoons of liquid benadryl and I was afraid 50 measly mg might be overdoing it! I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me.. I should know this stuff, especially working in the medical field! Oy vey! I can tell already that today is going to be far too long for me.

I am patiently waiting for Tony to call me. I have spoken with him already today, via phone, but he had to end the call so he could go to chow. Fine by me. He definately needs something to eat this AM after yesterday. The poor thing trained all day long yesterday in the rain, and was still hungry even after evening chow, but he knew if he ate something so late at night that he'd never get any sleep. So as he was headed for bed he found out he had CQ from 0200-0400. His team leader was kind enough to not tell him. Not only did that get Tony angry... I was pretty pissed off as well. He's gotten pretty much 2 hours of sleep total.. and now he has an entire day ahead of him. An entire day of biting his tongue and having a bit of self-control so that he does not snap on his marvelous, knowledgeable team leader. He's miserable... and that saddens me. I hurt so much knowing that I cannot hold him in my arms... knowing that I cannot kiss away his every frustration, letdown, and fear. I can't help but count the days down until he is able to come home and marry me! 16 days and a wake up left. This is taking forever. I wish so much that patience was not a virtue!

Enough for now.. my soldier hubby is on the phone! So I am going to talk to him!!

These days are getting faaar too long for me. 18 days and a wake up until I get to marry the love of my life. I don't get it. This should be easy for me... seeing as he's already been away for 48 days.. and those have already flown by. But I guess if I break it down and look at each day separately they all were pretty long. But after putting them all together and coming up with 48... yeah it really doesn't feel like it's been that many days already.

I just got off the phone with Tony moments ago. He's not doing well emotionally, and because of that... I can hear my heart breaking for him. I wish he could come home right now! I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies with him all night long... have him lay his head in my lap, wait until he peacefully slips away into his dreams.. and then watch him sleep all night long while the dragonflies flutter around in my tummy. Urgh. It's just not fair. Life is not fair at all!! I want to get in my car right now and drive straight down to Mississippi.. no stopping. Point A to point B. I'd do it even if I knew I'd only get to hold him even for less than a minute. Each and every second with him is a second that I will cherish for the REST OF MY LIFE!

Tomorrow Tony has training. It's crazy how it works out. I work in the emergency room every other weekend pulling 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday.. so when I am stuck saving lives for 24 hours in 1 weekend.. they get days off from training. And now that I am not working this weekend.. he's busy with all sorts of training. But I guess I will have something to do tomorrow to keep myself busy. My mom wants to take me dress shopping for my wedding. I do need to get out of my house.. shopping does sound like a great way to distract my racing mind from how many days are left until I am actually able to get married. However, I just want to be alone.. all the time, unless Tony is home. Because then I want nothing BUT his company. I tried to go shopping tonight by myself, but it would mean so much to my mom if she got to come with me and be a part of everything. Even if I explained the whole "I want to isolate myself from the world" mood I've been in lately.. I don't think she'd fully understand. She'd just lecture me, until she's blue in the face, as to how unhealthy it is to stay inside all day long and that I need to go out and get my mind off of everything that's going on. But at the end of the day... it really is true... mother is always right.

Well.. I guess I must end this here. While I was on the phone with Tony, I took quite a bit of benadryl. It's the only thing that gaurantees me a goodnight's sleep. I think that by the time he comes home for good in about a year.. I'll have to go to detox... or BA.. (Benadryl Anonymous)... if there even IS such a thing. Night and sweet dreams!

I am not quite sure why I have decided to start one of these things. I'm assuming it's to keep myself (and my mind) as busy as possible. I'm sure it would make sense to start at the very begining of it all. So here is my story..

A couple of years ago is when Tony and I began talking. We talked on the internet more than anything. I was dealing with many stressful heartaches at the time, and he seemed to be the only person who actually understood what I was going through, even though he was as happy as could be with his girlfriend (at the time), Kristen. He had been through it all before and knew the pain I was experiencing. For once in my life I felt like someone cared... and that was comforting. I found myself already getting close to him.

When Tony and I first began talking, he had just recently come home from his first tour of duty in Iraq. We chit chatted off and on, and before I knew it... he had volunteered for another tour back at the sandbox. This broke my heart. The one person who understood everything in my life was going to be leaving for an enitre year. However, it didn't really hit me until May 2006, when I lost my first friend due to OIF. Reality slapped me clear across the face. Not only did I lose Rob over in Iraq... I also lost one of my friends here in my home town. The day of Jake's wake is when Rob was killed in the Sandbox. 2 friends within 4 days. I was beside myself. The only thing I could think of, was to call Tony. I told him what was going on and that I needed to hang out with him before he left, and that's exactly what we did. We went to one of his favorite bars in Dover and had so much fun that night. Lots of beer, Irish music, and great company. I couldn't believe I was having so much fun with the one person I am constantly having serious conversations with. I was falling for him... harder and faster than I was before.

Later that same month... BAM! I'm attending yet another soldier's wake. 3 in 1 month. How does that happen? Once again that empty feeling was overwhelming me... I picked up the phone and called Tony. That night we went back to that same bar, and again... I drank my sorrows away and tried to convince myself that I really didn't have a funeral to attend the next morning. But I wasn't able to escape reality. Tony and I shared a dance or 2 with eachother... and I couldn't help but hold onto him as tightly as I possibly could, sobbing with my head against his chest. He tried to comfort me. He tried to tell me that everything was going to be alright. But how could I believe such a thing after losing 3 people in 1 month.

About 1 week later he was up north visiting his family when I noticed he was online. So I messaged him and we talked for a little bit until he invited me up there to hang out with everyone. He was definately worth the 2 1/2 hour drive. I had an amazing time with him and his family for the 3 days we were there. Then we both left to head back down south... I was going home... alone.. and he was going back to Kristen's. I was miserable once again.

To shorten things up a bit.. Kristen finally ended their relationship due to the fact that she couldn't "handle the deployment." 2 days after Tony left to Camp Shelby, Mississippi, we began our relationship with eachother. He had finally confessed his feelings for me. He didn't want to leave anything left unsaid.. and with this.. I admitted to him my feelings as well. And that's when we made it official.

A few weeks after he left, his grandmother passed away. He ended up coming home on an emergency leave and we headed up north once again to be with his family. A few days passed and we came back down south. The day before he had to leave for Mississippi again, he proposed to me. I was completely paralyzed by feelings of love and ecstasy that I don't even think I said yes to him. I remember wiping the tears of happiness from my eyes, pulling him to his feet, and jumping into his arms. I cannot remember the last time I was THAT happy... or if such a thing has ever existed in my life.


Today he has been gone for 46 days. It is starting to hit me hard. I can't sleep at night. I stay awake and cry by myself. I listen to sad songs, some that remind me of him... and I watch all the happy pictures (my screen saver) of us flash across the screen and I can't seem to choke back my tears. There was one time I was on the phone with him and he was just so exhausted from training that week that he fell asleep... and I must have spent 45 minutes still on the other line listening to him breathe. I'm finally learning to appreciate all the small things like that.

In 19 days the love of my life will be home on a 6 day block leave and I will finally get the chance to marry him and OFFICIALLY be Mrs. Hawkins! The days are going to start dragging. I can't wait til I get to pick him up at the airport and jump into his loving arms again. It's the dropping him off part, 6 days later, that is going to DESTROY me. I won't just be dropping off my boyfriend or fiance... he'll be my husband by then. And I know that shortly after he returns back to Mississippi, he'll be going over to Iraq. I'll get through this though. I know I can. I'm hoping that this isn't going to be as emotionally difficult as I'm thinking it's going to be. But I know I'm just kidding myself. No matter what though... I WILL STAND BY MY MAN! I will be patiently awaiting his safe return. I am behind him every step of the way and I support him far more than 110%. He is my husband and my hero. The love I have for him will continue to grow everyday that passes. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I LOVE YOU SPC. HAWKINS!