These days are getting faaar too long for me. 18 days and a wake up until I get to marry the love of my life. I don't get it. This should be easy for me... seeing as he's already been away for 48 days.. and those have already flown by. But I guess if I break it down and look at each day separately they all were pretty long. But after putting them all together and coming up with 48... yeah it really doesn't feel like it's been that many days already.

I just got off the phone with Tony moments ago. He's not doing well emotionally, and because of that... I can hear my heart breaking for him. I wish he could come home right now! I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies with him all night long... have him lay his head in my lap, wait until he peacefully slips away into his dreams.. and then watch him sleep all night long while the dragonflies flutter around in my tummy. Urgh. It's just not fair. Life is not fair at all!! I want to get in my car right now and drive straight down to Mississippi.. no stopping. Point A to point B. I'd do it even if I knew I'd only get to hold him even for less than a minute. Each and every second with him is a second that I will cherish for the REST OF MY LIFE!

Tomorrow Tony has training. It's crazy how it works out. I work in the emergency room every other weekend pulling 12 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday.. so when I am stuck saving lives for 24 hours in 1 weekend.. they get days off from training. And now that I am not working this weekend.. he's busy with all sorts of training. But I guess I will have something to do tomorrow to keep myself busy. My mom wants to take me dress shopping for my wedding. I do need to get out of my house.. shopping does sound like a great way to distract my racing mind from how many days are left until I am actually able to get married. However, I just want to be alone.. all the time, unless Tony is home. Because then I want nothing BUT his company. I tried to go shopping tonight by myself, but it would mean so much to my mom if she got to come with me and be a part of everything. Even if I explained the whole "I want to isolate myself from the world" mood I've been in lately.. I don't think she'd fully understand. She'd just lecture me, until she's blue in the face, as to how unhealthy it is to stay inside all day long and that I need to go out and get my mind off of everything that's going on. But at the end of the day... it really is true... mother is always right.

Well.. I guess I must end this here. While I was on the phone with Tony, I took quite a bit of benadryl. It's the only thing that gaurantees me a goodnight's sleep. I think that by the time he comes home for good in about a year.. I'll have to go to detox... or BA.. (Benadryl Anonymous)... if there even IS such a thing. Night and sweet dreams!