I know I shouldn't be wasting precious time blogging, at the moment, when I have plenty of studying to do for classes tonight. Or atleast for my anatomy and physiology class. I just don't feel like studying anymore even if there is a quiz tonight. Shame on me for hoping that mitosis would be interesting. As awful as it sounds, I really can't wait to start dissecting. For some reason muscles, bones, and organs are so much easier for me to memorize. I'm not so interested in cells and how or why they divide and what they do. It's just irrelavant to what I want to do. When I'm transporting someone in a helicopter their cellular activity will be the least of my worries. It kind of pains me to think that I still have to do microbiology and A&P II after this! I think I just might drop dead before I finish school. My backpack already weighs just about as much as I do. Not to mention that between working full time and going to school twice a week, I only get 4 days off a month. And when I think about it, most of those days off will be spent studying or doing errands that my sweet husband never got around to since he works full time as well. He has also been toying with the idea of going back to school. I figured he would go back and get all his degrees in mechanics and become Honda/Acura certified since that's what a majority of the population around here drives anyways. However, he just informed me the other day that he does not want to go to school for that. He wants a degree in criminal justice. I was somewhat surprised. Not so much due to his military experience, but for as long as I have known him, he has always been interested in cars and fixing them. Infact, he was even a mechanic in the army. Either way, he needs to give himself more credit. I have a funny feeling that the reason he hasn't gone back to school, is the same reason that I kept putting it off as well. I think that he doubts himself. He believes in me so much and I wish that he would just focus even a little bit of that faith back on himself. I am so thankful to have a husband who supports me so much and knows that I can succeed at anything as long as I give it my best shot. But it breaks my heart that he doesn't feel that way about himself. I guess that's why he has me in his life though. So that I can support him, believe in him, and encourage him to accomplish anything his heart desires.

I'm rather anxious right now. In about two hours I go to school. After Tony came home from Iraq, I had decided to take what I thought was going to be a brief hiatus from school. Well, that was back in September of 2007. We are now into 2010. If I keep this up I'll never graduate! I am fortunate enough to be in a new year, which means new goals and new ambitions. I have finally convinced myself that I am ready for this. I am ready to go back to school, and stay in school this time. I want to become an RN. My passion is to ride on the chopper doing Med Flight. I'm an adrenaline junky. And I'll be perfect for it! Under five feet tall and less than 100 pounds. I just have to get five years experience under my belt as an ER or critical care RN. I'm totally ready for this! Bring it on! I know that as the wife of a two time Operation Iraqi Freedom Veteran... Failure is NOT an option!

So the begining to a new year has still been a struggle. Even though we are only 5 days into a new decade, I see many battles ahead of Tony and I. The VA has always been a nightmare for us. Well, for him more than it has been for me. When he needs to be seen for medical reasons he likes to bring me along. They have a nasty habit of telling him, AFTER he gets there, that he never had an appointment to begin with. Or they will schedule him for appointments on their own and never telling him about them, and then they will call him, complaining that he hasn't shown up! So he knows when I go along with him, I will put my foot down and be the spawn of satan if I have to!
Lately, it's a different story. They have taken away his disability! It started in December, and he called the VA to find out what was going on. Tony had taken a couple of online college courses back in 2006 before he deployed. The VA was telling us that they took his disability away because he owed them $3,000 due to them over paying his tuition. The real story is, Tony got a bill from the school for $35. The VA had under paid his tuition. So he paid the $35 out of his own pocket, knowing that it wasn't going to break his bank. But the VA was adament that they over paid it. So Tony had to get in touch with the school which is based out of Texas or somewhere near there, and he had to argue with the two places to get them to talk it out themselves instead of making him a middle man. The school put the VA in their place saying that they never over paid the tuition. So about a month ago Tony called the VA once again to find out why hasn't gotten his disability back. The lady on the other end of the phone told him that there were no debts on his record and that he should've been paid. But he still hadn't been. The woman told him that he would have to wait for a packet of paper work to be delivered to him in the mail. He has to fill out that packet and bring it to the VA in person. Well, that's fine and dandy. He'll do it. The only problem now is.. the packet has yet to show up in our mailbox! And the crazy part about this whole situation is.. even if you DO have a debt with the VA, they are only allowed to take 20% of your disability checks until it's paid off. So why is he not getting any of his money?! I'm so sick of arguing with that place! Lately I've been wondering if it's even worth it to keep fighting with them. Maybe we should just let them have the money if it means so much to them. But then I think of my husband. He earned that monthly check! That's HIS money! He is in so much pain everyday and the nightmares he has of that horrible country! We can't just give up and let them win! We need to keep at it and let them know that what they are doing is wrong! If I could deal with this situation for him I would, but they want him at the VA in person, and they barely give him any information over the phone. I doubt they'll listen to me. I suppose it's time that I start using my resources. They don't realize it, but they are messing with the wrong army wife!

In my last post I mentioned about messing with time. Well, I'd give anything to speed it up.. err.. rewind it. I'd be crazy to age myself so quick like that. June 2009 is where I'd like to be again. When my sister was home. Rewind it and just freeze it. I miss her alot. It really upsets me that I am not going to see her again until December of 2010. Unless Tony and I can get up the money for a couple plane tickets to Hawaii. But the economy these days, we all know what kind of miracle that'll take! Tangled up in my sadness of missing my sister, are also feelings of anger.. or maybe more like envy. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that ever since she joined the Coast Guard, my parents have done nothing but talk and brag about her. As well as my little brother. Because he is in college and is doing so great and my parents are so proud of the two of them. I feel like I don't have a place in their lives. And it really hit me today. I went and saw my mom and while I was there I showed her a link to a video that my sister is in. Her company made the video on the boat while they are underway to Japan and China. And Levyii is in it. Immediately my mom posted it to her facebook and began ranting and raving about how proud she is, and it's so cool to watch it and see her. And she went on and on. I posted the link to a video that I am in from my visit to the Playboy Mansion last year for an Autism fundraiser. Not a word from her. So what. The military isn't my thing. I enjoy modeling. And not to mention, I settled for the army wife life. So does that make my life easy??!! I really don't know what it's going to take for me to make my parents proud. It would make things a whole lot easier if, perhaps, they could tell me. Not living up to their expectations, in a way, makes me feel ashamed. I still look sad even when I'm happy. Maybe that's why someone once told me that I have a Mona Lisa smile...

It's raining. As if we didn't get enough rain this summer! I'm over it! Although I really shouldn't be complaining. I guess rain is better than snow. I am dreading the cold weather, which happens to be fast approaching. This rainy day blog post does bring a bit of good news, though. Keith is alive. However, he is having a difficult time coping with the events that took place that weekend. Nine deaths on his base that was ambushed, but thankfully he wasn't one of them. On the flip side, Johnny Barton is still dead. And I am still in denial. On Friday, after driving an hour and a half to Plymouth NH, to attend Johnny's wake, I got there only to find out he has been cremated. I stood there staring at a picture of Johnny which was placed beside his urn. I couldn't understand how someone so genuine and with so much talent and spirit, could just be cremated. I lack the knowledge as to whether or not it was his wish to be cremated, but it still upsets me. How am I supposed to come to terms with his abscence?? I do not enjoy seeing dead people. Lord knows I see enough of them at work. It just doesn't feel real without being able to see. I doubt that makes any sense at all. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses instead of letting go. You would think that for someone who has been to far too many funerals for someone her age, that I'd be able to deal with this. Just because the number has gotten bigger, it doesn't mean that it gets any easier. I'm just numb. I'm tired of feeling sad. My husband is home from Iraq.. I thought life was supposed to be perfect now? But deep down I know the, unfortunate, truth. Life goes on. Just like it did when Tony was deployed. There's no way to speed it up, rewind it, or even freeze it. It just continues, allowing people into your life. And then taking them away just as fast, if not faster, as they entered your heart.

I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up with this blog on a regular basis like I used to, and find myself coming back here at the mercy of bad news.

The last three days were a whirlwind for me. I can still feel my head spinning and I am not exactly sure when it is going to stop spinning. If I break it down for you all maybe it will also give me a better understanding as why this all happened at the same time and smacked me in the face.

Friday (night) October 2nd
As I wasted a small portion of my life of facebook, I found out that a photographer/friend of mine, John Barton, was sick in the hospital. Him and I exchanged FB messages after I asked him what was wrong. He replied and told me he was admitted to the hospital for a severe foot infection. It turned into an abscess and his doctor ended up having to drain it, releasing 30cc's of puss out of his foot and put him on heavy duty IV antibiotics. They were trying to avoid amputating his foot. At the end of his FB message he "thanked me for caring."

Saturday October 3rd
Saturday morning, I had to work in the ER. Jan, our weekend nursing supervisor and the mother of my friend, Kerri (who is dating another friend of mine,his name is Keith, who joined the Army and is deployed in Afghanistan right now).
Anyways.. Jan was doing her rounds throughout the hospital and made her way down to the ER. She began to tell me of a dillema that kerri was in. Keith has R&R this month. However, right smack in the middle of his RR Kerri had already arranged a plane ticket for an out of state reunion, which is very important to her. Keith didn't want her to go, naturally. She really wants to see all these people because after the reunion they will all be scattered around the US. And she's having trouble trying to figure out what she should do. Having been through it all before, my response was easy. I told her that in my opinion, Kerri should cancel her trip to the reunion. That she should spend every waking moment with Keith because she doesn't know if it'll be the last time she will ever see him. After Keith's R&R she can book flights around the U.S. to see her friends. She will NEVER be able to book a flight to Afghanistan. It's a matter of who and what is most important to her.

Sunday October 4th
Again, I was at work again in the ER. I went on my lunch break and then outside for a smoke. When I came back in and hung up my sweatshirt in the breakroom the charge nurse was in there on her break. She told me that Jan was looking for me. I went out to the department and the other tech, also, told me Jan was looking for me. I went to Bryan, the secretary and he told me to page her. I waited about five minutes with no call back. So I asked Bryan if he knew what it was about. He said, "yes." When I asked him WHAT it was about, he said "It's not my position to tell you. Page her again." That's when I felt like someone kicked me in right in the gut. I tried to convince myself that it was in regards to our laceration trays. I paged Jan again. When she finally called back, I could hear it in her voice as she started to tell me that she had just spoken with Kerri. Keith's base in Afghanistan was ambushed Saturday morning, eight U.S. soldiers had been reported dead already. One of them being Keith's bestfriend.
Later on in the evening, after I had got home from work, I was back on facebook. That's when I noticed all the posts on John Barton's page saying "Rest in Peace." He died Saturday morning. Not even 24 hours after I had talked to him. I am in one big, giant state of shock right now. And I know that only time will help heal this heavy heart that I must drag along with me as I place one foot in front of the other... taking one step at a time.

So, it's been a couple of months. A couple of new things going on in my life. Tony and I, finally, got an apartment. We are actually out of my parents' house. I didn't want to have to settle for an apartment. I was really hoping to get a house of our own, however, we obviously had no luck with that. My reasoning for not wanting an apartment, was that I didn't want to have to pay 'X' amount of dollars a month for something I was never going to own. But now that we are here, I'm actually liking it. I like being on my own and not having my folks breathing down my back and bitching about every little thing I do or don't do. Well, actually, the bitching has not stopped. Atleast not from my dad. The only time we hear from him is when he is texting Tony at all hours of the night asking him when we are going to go and get the rest of our stuff out of the house. All we have left is some things on a couple of shelves in the bedroom closet, some clothes and a couple of boxes out of the basement, Tony's tool boxes and a couple other things in the garage. They way he bitches about the stuff that's still there, you would think that we are taking up every little crack and crevice of that place. There isn't a single thing of ours left on the floor of that bedroom, he has plenty of space to do whatever he'd like with that room. There is nothing in his way. The stuff in the bedroom and in the garage isn't in the way at all. Telling him that we will eventually pick it up is not good enough for him. He wants everything gone right this very second. Tony and I both work full time and are still trying to get this place squared away. We are exhausted when it comes to a day off. Not to mention we can never get to sleep early enough the night before a day off because of my father continuously texting Tony until 2 in the A.M. My father is starting to drive my husband nuts! He's already driven me completely nuts a long long time ago!
I do have some good news in the midst of all the moving drama. Tony and I got a puppy! He's about 3 months old now. He's name is Simba and he is a Chihuahua/Papillon mix. He is so adorable and I am completely head over heels in love with him! He definately keeps me busy, that's for damn sure! And he's a total mama's boy. He follows me every where. Even when I go from the living room into the kitchen.. and then back to living room. He's always right there by my side. Every now and again he's a pain in the ass, but he's still a pup. So of course I expect that from him. Simba and I have also, already, accomplished a trick. I ask him where his tail is and he'll look back at his tail and then touch his nose to it. He's so darn cute!!
My sister is home from the Coast Guard right now. She is home until the 23rd (i think) of March and then she goes down to Virginia for A school for 3 months. I'm going to miss her alot. After she gets done with school she will be stationed some where else in the country. I hope it's not too far away. Alot of stuff has gone down within the family and I like having her nearby. After all the fighting we have done over the years.. who would've thought that the 2 of us would actually need eachother to lean on?! It's crazy how things work out in the end.
Levyii is actually at the Museum of Science with our folks right now as I am typing this, so this is the perfect opportunity to go to their house and grab the rest of our stuff without my dad being there to harass me. So I guess I will go and get that done. Sigh.