I didn't really do much of anything today. Other than go to the gym, go tanning, and then work an 8 hour shift in the emergency room. My life in the ER is starting to change drastically. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot talk to my co-workers about anything if I don't want some bizzare rumor going around about me. Rumors are spread like the plague at that place. And I find it funny how the people who never seem to realize you exist, care so incredibly much when you are upset and/or crying. Which is exactly why I have started distancing myself. Now, I go into work, get my job done, and go home. No more of this chit chatting with everyone like they are my friends or something. Because I know damn well that they aren't even close to being considered a friend... otherwise they wouldn't talk so much crap about everyone just for their own personal entertainment.

The begining of my shift started pretty decent I suppose. It could have been worse. When I got there I signed in, so that I could get paid, said "hi" to all those who cared enough to even notice that I was there, and I began getting my work done. While I was stocking one of the rooms, Steve (one of our kick ass charge nurses) came into the room and asked me if I was ok. To avoid having to talk about what was bothering me, I slapped on a happy face and told him that nothing was wrong. Tony finally called me a couple hours later and I went into the EMS room for a little bit of privacy and called him back. Come to find out, some of the guys in the barracks have a bet going on... which one of us (Tony or myself) is going to get cold feet. He informed me that 75% of the guys think I will get cold feet, and the other 25% put their money on Tony. When he told me that... I was hurt. How could anyone bet money on someone's relationship?! I realize that they are all probably bored out of their skulls and are just trying to entertain themselves, but please... get to know me before you start making such awful judgements like that about me. Needless to say, when I got off the phone with him I buried my face in my hands and I started to cry. No mare than a minute later, one of the registration girls (who I know talks about me behind my back every chance she gets) walked in and asked me if I was okay as she walked over to me and put her hand on my head. I would not talk to her about anything going on in my life even she was the last person on the face of this Earth! So all I told her was that I just needed to cry it out. But what I really felt like telling her was that if she put her hands on me again... my fist would be slammed directly in her face! I somehow was able to bite my tongue.
The rest of my shift was all downhill from there. Tony was all I could think about! I think less than an hour had passed before my eyes started to uncontrolably water again. I made a B-line straight for the EMS room and finished releasing my tears. Steve then walked out of the bathroom and told me he knew something was wrong with me the minute I walked into the department. Instead of insisting that I talk about it, he asked if there was anything he could do to help. I was so caught up in sadness that I couldn't even speak, I just managed to shake my head no. He reassured me that if there was anything he could do, to let him know. I wish more of my co-workers were like that. Just let me know you're there for me if I need anything. Don't tell me I need to talk about it and that's it not healthy for me to hold it all in. Saying that kind of crap to me will get you a reaction.. and not the one you were looking for either. You'll be rather lucky if I don't end up beating the bloody veins out of you. Yeah, I'm sad right now... but go ahead and test me... my sadness can turn to anger in less than .2 seconds. So if a fight is what you're looking for.. then try me.

I'm rather tired right now.. I'm thinking I may not need to rely on benadryl tonight. Let's hope.