I slept so well last night. I'm guessing it might have something to do with the fact I had been up for well over 24 hours and my sister gave me one of her sleepy pills to make damn sure that I'd sleep well last night. It worked. However, Tony ended up calling me around the same time that sleepy pill started to work. Then he tells me that had already gotten back from their mission about 45 minutes prior to his call. The reason behind him waiting so long to call me was because he had gotten some phone calls from other people and chit chatted with them for a little... as he doesn't talk to them nearly enough as he talks to me. I completely understood the position he was in, although it also saddened me that I stayed home all day yesterday incase he was able to call me periodically throughout the day and waiting for him to get home from this mission so that I could talk to him. That is honestly the highlight of my day. But I suppose I shouldn't look at the picture like that because on the upside of it all, he is coming home in 13 days and a wake up... so that we can get married!! :-)

Speaking of getting married.. I know damn well what I should be doing right now which is exactly why I started this blog... hoping it would distract me enough so that I'd end up forgetting that I desperately need to be at the gym right now. I'm pretty much disgusted with myself.. although I have lost about 7 pounds in the last week and a half. And I honestly have no idea how I managed that. I wasn't even trying. Eh. Who knows. But I guess I really shouldn't procrastinate any more than I already have... Off to the gym I go!



I am back now. I didn't really have all that good of a workout. My body is just so tired! I think I used up any and all energy I had today just walking out of the house and getting into my car so that I could drive to gym. I really have no idea how I am going to make it through an 8 hour shift today in the emergency room. With the luck that I have (or don't have?) we'll get some sort of trauma or cardia arrest just because my whole body is aching, causing me to function at somewhat of a sluggish pace. I have yet to figure out if I'm more mentally, emotionally, or physically exhausted. My mind continues every minute of the day with all those racing thoughts... most being good thoughts.. but the bad ones seem to float through every now and again. Emotionally I am a wreck.. mostly at night when everyone is asleep.. that is the safest time for me to cry and get it all out of my system without some accusing me of "over-reacting" or being "mentally unstable." Any physically... yeah, my body just has no more fuel left. I'm assuming it has something to do with me not having an appetite lately and relying primarily on caffine to get me through the days.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I snapped on someone around me. But now that I think about it.. I didn't really do anything wrong (cliche.. I know. But it's true!) and I handled the situation fairly well, in my honest opinion. My mom had worked a night shift (7p-7a) Monday night, so when she got home Tuesday morning of course all she wanted to do was sleep. So yesterday as my younger brother is getting ready for work he was making all sorts of loud noises in his room.. moving things around... I don't know. So I went in there and told him to be a little more quiet so that mom doesn't wake up. I was looking out for him at the same time, because if she had woken up due to all the racket he was making, she would have chewed him a new one. And plus I didn't feel like dealing with the foul mood everyone would have been in for the rest of the day. So my brother decides to retaliate with an attitude telling me that he wasn't being loud, this, this, that, and the other thing. I told him that I could hear what he was doing down the hallway right by my parents' bedroom, and I proceeded to walk into the laundry room. He follows me in there to give me yet another attitude. Before he could get even 2 syllables out of his mouth, my hand went directly in the air (you know.. one of those "talk to the hand" motions) and I warned him not to start with me because I was not in the mood to deal with his crap. I was functioning off of no sleep (which was my fault, but atleast I had a reasonable excuse for that) and most of all I was just sad and upset that Tony is so far away from me and that I can't spend everyday with him like I want to. My brother ended up backing up out of the laundry room, shut the door, and went into his room to do whatever it is he needed to do before he went to work. I was left standing in the laundry room attempting to once again choke back my tears. However, I shouldn't have even tried... I knew I was going to be unsuccessful. I couldn't help it. I put my face in my hands and spent some "me" time just crying it all out.

An hour and a half until my shift starts. I suppose I should start mustering up the energy to hop in the shower and get ready to go save some lives. Or atleast attempt to save some lives...