This is one of the pictures I constantly look at. It saddens me. I feel like someone is stabbing me repeatedly in the heart with a dull knife. It is one of my favorite pictures and everytime I look at it, I find myself missing him even more than I did before staring at this picture. I ache for the day he can come home and hold me like this once again. I realize it'll happen in 14 days and a wake up... but I want him home for good.. holding me like this everyday for the rest of our lives. Here I go again.. completely incompetent of choking back my tears.

Right now it's 0300. That means only another 1-1 1/2 hours until I get to hear Tony's comforting voice. As tired as I am, I refuse to let myself fall asleep, in fear that I might miss his phone call. He is going to be busy training pretty much all of today, so there will be plenty of time for me to catch up on sleep... or find something to do around the house in hopes that time will pass by even the slightest bit faster... anything to keep from constantly looking at my watch, disappointed to find that only 5 minutes has passed since the last time I looked at it. 52 days since he's been gone. That's it? Not even 2 months and I feel like he's been gone for a year already. He hasn't even hit Iraq yet and I am so painstakingly miserable.

I have come to realize that I am distancing myself from people. First it was my friends. I don't go out any more. No bars. No house parties. What's the point? It's not like I am going to have fun anyway. And secondly, my co-workers. I am forced to be around these people. If I want a paycheck, I have to be there. What the hell is happening to me?! I used to be the most social person anyone could ever meet. Now all I do is keep to myself and converse with my co-workers when absolutely mandatory. I got to work for 1500, like I was scheduled, and noticed that we had about 5 patients total in the emergency room. Most of my "productive" co-workers were sitting around chatting or playing games on the internet. I decided that I couldn't tolerate being near any of them.. let alone even talk to them. All they seem to do is ask me how I am doing, which I constantly lie about. "I'm good." Ha! That's a lie and a half right there. How the hell do they think I am doing? And if they're not asking me that, they are asking how Tony is doing. I understand that they care, or maybe they are just being nosey, but seriously.. why touch that subject. I'm sure is hanging in there just as much as I am. But gosh.. don't even mention his name! It was hard enough for me to rip myself away from staring at my screen saver or scrap book so that I could show up for work on time just to work my ass off for a buck or 2. Why do they feel the need to remind me that he's so far away! It's not like I can forget how much my heart aches each and everyday that I wake up without him next to me!

I am so excited about the fact I will get to see him before he actually goes to Iraq, but I almost don't want to! I know that sounds so bad, but I know I'm going to end up crying everyday that he's home. I just wish that I could tie him up and lock him in my basement. Then he'll have no choice but to stay. I really can't believe how shaky and weak I am over this whole thing. I thought I harbored more strength than this. Maybe that is half the reason I have distanced myself. So that no one sees just how vulnerable and tender I really am.

I wish that there was something I could do at 3:30 in the AM to amuse myself. Unfortunately everyone is sleeping... so vacuuming, doing laundry, or any other form of cleaning is out of the question. There is nothing good on TV. The gym isn't open yet. The only thing left to distract me is the internet. I find myself reading stories or online journals of other woman going through the same thing as I am right now, but they all seem to end the same. Their loved one has returned to them safe and sound. I end up in tears because it is a happy ending. But at the same time I find myself filled with such anger and resentment toward these women. I am outraged at the fact they get to hold their significant other and feel safe in his arms once again and I can't!! It's just not fair! I am being selfish again. But can you blame me? Who wouldn't want to speed up the clocks in such a situation if it were at all possible?!!?

I keep glancing beside me at Max (our short hair chihuahua). He's sleeping so peacefully. That's not fair at all either! I love him to death though. He has kept me company all these lonely nights. But it's not the same. I want to look beside me and see Tony's sweet face and comforting eyes. I don't want to be wrapped in a pile of blankets because I am so cold. I want to be wrapped in Tony's warm embrace! 6 days won't nearly be enough. If anything it'll be a tease. A tease of what I won't have for a year. A tease of what my heart will be crying out for every night for the next 400+ days!

I need to find something to do other than sit here and feel sorry for myself. Maybe find some energy to get ready for the gym so that I can physically exhaust myself to the point where I can't move to clean or do laundry. Just lay in bed and sleep the time away. I'm sure I'll think of something... I hope.