I am not quite sure why I have decided to start one of these things. I'm assuming it's to keep myself (and my mind) as busy as possible. I'm sure it would make sense to start at the very begining of it all. So here is my story..
A couple of years ago is when Tony and I began talking. We talked on the internet more than anything. I was dealing with many stressful heartaches at the time, and he seemed to be the only person who actually understood what I was going through, even though he was as happy as could be with his girlfriend (at the time), Kristen. He had been through it all before and knew the pain I was experiencing. For once in my life I felt like someone cared... and that was comforting. I found myself already getting close to him.
When Tony and I first began talking, he had just recently come home from his first tour of duty in Iraq. We chit chatted off and on, and before I knew it... he had volunteered for another tour back at the sandbox. This broke my heart. The one person who understood everything in my life was going to be leaving for an enitre year. However, it didn't really hit me until May 2006, when I lost my first friend due to OIF. Reality slapped me clear across the face. Not only did I lose Rob over in Iraq... I also lost one of my friends here in my home town. The day of Jake's wake is when Rob was killed in the Sandbox. 2 friends within 4 days. I was beside myself. The only thing I could think of, was to call Tony. I told him what was going on and that I needed to hang out with him before he left, and that's exactly what we did. We went to one of his favorite bars in Dover and had so much fun that night. Lots of beer, Irish music, and great company. I couldn't believe I was having so much fun with the one person I am constantly having serious conversations with. I was falling for him... harder and faster than I was before.
Later that same month... BAM! I'm attending yet another soldier's wake. 3 in 1 month. How does that happen? Once again that empty feeling was overwhelming me... I picked up the phone and called Tony. That night we went back to that same bar, and again... I drank my sorrows away and tried to convince myself that I really didn't have a funeral to attend the next morning. But I wasn't able to escape reality. Tony and I shared a dance or 2 with eachother... and I couldn't help but hold onto him as tightly as I possibly could, sobbing with my head against his chest. He tried to comfort me. He tried to tell me that everything was going to be alright. But how could I believe such a thing after losing 3 people in 1 month.
About 1 week later he was up north visiting his family when I noticed he was online. So I messaged him and we talked for a little bit until he invited me up there to hang out with everyone. He was definately worth the 2 1/2 hour drive. I had an amazing time with him and his family for the 3 days we were there. Then we both left to head back down south... I was going home... alone.. and he was going back to Kristen's. I was miserable once again.
To shorten things up a bit.. Kristen finally ended their relationship due to the fact that she couldn't "handle the deployment." 2 days after Tony left to Camp Shelby, Mississippi, we began our relationship with eachother. He had finally confessed his feelings for me. He didn't want to leave anything left unsaid.. and with this.. I admitted to him my feelings as well. And that's when we made it official.
A few weeks after he left, his grandmother passed away. He ended up coming home on an emergency leave and we headed up north once again to be with his family. A few days passed and we came back down south. The day before he had to leave for Mississippi again, he proposed to me. I was completely paralyzed by feelings of love and ecstasy that I don't even think I said yes to him. I remember wiping the tears of happiness from my eyes, pulling him to his feet, and jumping into his arms. I cannot remember the last time I was THAT happy... or if such a thing has ever existed in my life.
Today he has been gone for 46 days. It is starting to hit me hard. I can't sleep at night. I stay awake and cry by myself. I listen to sad songs, some that remind me of him... and I watch all the happy pictures (my screen saver) of us flash across the screen and I can't seem to choke back my tears. There was one time I was on the phone with him and he was just so exhausted from training that week that he fell asleep... and I must have spent 45 minutes still on the other line listening to him breathe. I'm finally learning to appreciate all the small things like that.
In 19 days the love of my life will be home on a 6 day block leave and I will finally get the chance to marry him and OFFICIALLY be Mrs. Hawkins! The days are going to start dragging. I can't wait til I get to pick him up at the airport and jump into his loving arms again. It's the dropping him off part, 6 days later, that is going to DESTROY me. I won't just be dropping off my boyfriend or fiance... he'll be my husband by then. And I know that shortly after he returns back to Mississippi, he'll be going over to Iraq. I'll get through this though. I know I can. I'm hoping that this isn't going to be as emotionally difficult as I'm thinking it's going to be. But I know I'm just kidding myself. No matter what though... I WILL STAND BY MY MAN! I will be patiently awaiting his safe return. I am behind him every step of the way and I support him far more than 110%. He is my husband and my hero. The love I have for him will continue to grow everyday that passes. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I LOVE YOU SPC. HAWKINS!
A couple of years ago is when Tony and I began talking. We talked on the internet more than anything. I was dealing with many stressful heartaches at the time, and he seemed to be the only person who actually understood what I was going through, even though he was as happy as could be with his girlfriend (at the time), Kristen. He had been through it all before and knew the pain I was experiencing. For once in my life I felt like someone cared... and that was comforting. I found myself already getting close to him.
When Tony and I first began talking, he had just recently come home from his first tour of duty in Iraq. We chit chatted off and on, and before I knew it... he had volunteered for another tour back at the sandbox. This broke my heart. The one person who understood everything in my life was going to be leaving for an enitre year. However, it didn't really hit me until May 2006, when I lost my first friend due to OIF. Reality slapped me clear across the face. Not only did I lose Rob over in Iraq... I also lost one of my friends here in my home town. The day of Jake's wake is when Rob was killed in the Sandbox. 2 friends within 4 days. I was beside myself. The only thing I could think of, was to call Tony. I told him what was going on and that I needed to hang out with him before he left, and that's exactly what we did. We went to one of his favorite bars in Dover and had so much fun that night. Lots of beer, Irish music, and great company. I couldn't believe I was having so much fun with the one person I am constantly having serious conversations with. I was falling for him... harder and faster than I was before.
Later that same month... BAM! I'm attending yet another soldier's wake. 3 in 1 month. How does that happen? Once again that empty feeling was overwhelming me... I picked up the phone and called Tony. That night we went back to that same bar, and again... I drank my sorrows away and tried to convince myself that I really didn't have a funeral to attend the next morning. But I wasn't able to escape reality. Tony and I shared a dance or 2 with eachother... and I couldn't help but hold onto him as tightly as I possibly could, sobbing with my head against his chest. He tried to comfort me. He tried to tell me that everything was going to be alright. But how could I believe such a thing after losing 3 people in 1 month.
About 1 week later he was up north visiting his family when I noticed he was online. So I messaged him and we talked for a little bit until he invited me up there to hang out with everyone. He was definately worth the 2 1/2 hour drive. I had an amazing time with him and his family for the 3 days we were there. Then we both left to head back down south... I was going home... alone.. and he was going back to Kristen's. I was miserable once again.
To shorten things up a bit.. Kristen finally ended their relationship due to the fact that she couldn't "handle the deployment." 2 days after Tony left to Camp Shelby, Mississippi, we began our relationship with eachother. He had finally confessed his feelings for me. He didn't want to leave anything left unsaid.. and with this.. I admitted to him my feelings as well. And that's when we made it official.
A few weeks after he left, his grandmother passed away. He ended up coming home on an emergency leave and we headed up north once again to be with his family. A few days passed and we came back down south. The day before he had to leave for Mississippi again, he proposed to me. I was completely paralyzed by feelings of love and ecstasy that I don't even think I said yes to him. I remember wiping the tears of happiness from my eyes, pulling him to his feet, and jumping into his arms. I cannot remember the last time I was THAT happy... or if such a thing has ever existed in my life.
Today he has been gone for 46 days. It is starting to hit me hard. I can't sleep at night. I stay awake and cry by myself. I listen to sad songs, some that remind me of him... and I watch all the happy pictures (my screen saver) of us flash across the screen and I can't seem to choke back my tears. There was one time I was on the phone with him and he was just so exhausted from training that week that he fell asleep... and I must have spent 45 minutes still on the other line listening to him breathe. I'm finally learning to appreciate all the small things like that.
In 19 days the love of my life will be home on a 6 day block leave and I will finally get the chance to marry him and OFFICIALLY be Mrs. Hawkins! The days are going to start dragging. I can't wait til I get to pick him up at the airport and jump into his loving arms again. It's the dropping him off part, 6 days later, that is going to DESTROY me. I won't just be dropping off my boyfriend or fiance... he'll be my husband by then. And I know that shortly after he returns back to Mississippi, he'll be going over to Iraq. I'll get through this though. I know I can. I'm hoping that this isn't going to be as emotionally difficult as I'm thinking it's going to be. But I know I'm just kidding myself. No matter what though... I WILL STAND BY MY MAN! I will be patiently awaiting his safe return. I am behind him every step of the way and I support him far more than 110%. He is my husband and my hero. The love I have for him will continue to grow everyday that passes. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I LOVE YOU SPC. HAWKINS!
posted by Stacie @ 4:46 PM
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