Wow, it's been almost 1 month since my last post. It is kind of refreshing to know that I have been keeping myself that busy, where I had forgotten about this blog thing for a while. In a way, I am a tad bit angry at myself for forgetting, because I know Tony had been reading it all along. It's a way for him to know how I am doing and what I have been doing to keep myself sane.
I have been spending an immense amount of time with D. She is what's keeping me sane. And vice versa. I cannot remember the last time I had a female best friend. It takes a lot for someone to convince me that they are worthy enough for such a responsibility. Yes, being a best friend is an enormous responsibility. A best friend is someone who is always there to listen to you and actually understand what you are saying, a best friend is someone who is able to empathize with you, help you keep you're head on straight, bring you back to reality, doesn't judge you, keeps ALL your secrets, and best friend is always honest. D fits all of these descriptions and more. I know, I know. What about my husband? Don't panic! Tony is my very best friend! My first best friend, actually. And now that we are married, we also get to share all of those intimate moments, the ones that D and I don't share, for obvious reasons.
Ok, time to stop rambling, I have a point I am trying to make. D has been there for me since she came home from Cali, and at the begining of this month I really needed to lean on her..
It was a Friday evening, and I was working hard in the emergency room, when I received a text message on my cell phone. I immediately checked it. It was from my sister. She wanted to know if I was at work. I remembered that one of her friends had ended up in the ER a couple weeks prior, and so I thought that maybe she was on her way there again. I ended up calling my sister to find out what she wanted. She stated that she couldn't tell me because I was at work and I got mad at her the last time she called me at work. At that point I knew something was wrong. My thoughts started racing, my stomach was in numerous knots, and my hands started to get clammy. I told her that I was all worked up and now she had no choice but to tell me, and I proceeded to ask her if something bad happened. I was devastated. Another friend of mine was killed in Iraq. All I remember was that I told her to shut up and say that she was only joking.. tears streamed down my face as patients in the hallway stared at me. I hung up the phone and took off running, with my face in my hands, directly into the EMS room. I spent a couple of minutes trying to convince myself that it wasn't true.. or better yet that it was true, because I know my sister would not lie to me, and I was in complete denial about the whole situation. Moments later, "Stacie to the desk please, Stacie to the desk." I was being over-head paged because the secretary wanted to go home and I had to cover for the last 2 hours of my shift. It was one of the longest 2 hours I have ever worked. I ended up calling D to tell her about it, because that's what best friends do, and well, I couldn't really pick up the phone and call Tony either, like I was able to when Rob and Dan died.
D did not know Nick (although her boyfriend knew him from highschool), but she came to the wake and funeral with me regardless. She gave me a shoulder to cry on, and reassured me that our boys will come home, safe and sound, soon enough. Normally those would be comforting words for me when I am crying, but somehow, it just doesn't cut it when you're at funeral of someone who just died while serving our country. I still appreciated the gesture though.
Other than attending Nick's services, I have been out shopping, with D of course. We have gone to a great number of stores, and have made multiple purchases of all sorts of goodies to put in care packages for the boys. Lately I have been wrapping everything I buy for him because I am going to get a Christmas package ready for him. I was informed that I need to send it around Nov. 10th-15th if I want him to get it on time. I really miss him so much. It's starting to get a little easier. I am slowly falling into a routine. What that routine consists of.. I'm not exactly sure. But what I do know is that there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of him. Heck, he is the only reason I wake up in the morning. Anticipating phone calls, or love letters in the mail.. that's reason enough for me to roll out of bed on the yuckiest of days. It is comforting to know that 1 month has gone by rather quickly. Only 11 more to go. Sometimes people ask me how I do it, and I don't think I will ever know how to answer that question either. A lot of times I ask myself how I am going to do it. Sometimes I doubt myself, I doubt my strength and ability to get through this deployment. And then I remember that I have the love of an American Soldier. And with that love... anything is possible!
I have been spending an immense amount of time with D. She is what's keeping me sane. And vice versa. I cannot remember the last time I had a female best friend. It takes a lot for someone to convince me that they are worthy enough for such a responsibility. Yes, being a best friend is an enormous responsibility. A best friend is someone who is always there to listen to you and actually understand what you are saying, a best friend is someone who is able to empathize with you, help you keep you're head on straight, bring you back to reality, doesn't judge you, keeps ALL your secrets, and best friend is always honest. D fits all of these descriptions and more. I know, I know. What about my husband? Don't panic! Tony is my very best friend! My first best friend, actually. And now that we are married, we also get to share all of those intimate moments, the ones that D and I don't share, for obvious reasons.
Ok, time to stop rambling, I have a point I am trying to make. D has been there for me since she came home from Cali, and at the begining of this month I really needed to lean on her..
It was a Friday evening, and I was working hard in the emergency room, when I received a text message on my cell phone. I immediately checked it. It was from my sister. She wanted to know if I was at work. I remembered that one of her friends had ended up in the ER a couple weeks prior, and so I thought that maybe she was on her way there again. I ended up calling my sister to find out what she wanted. She stated that she couldn't tell me because I was at work and I got mad at her the last time she called me at work. At that point I knew something was wrong. My thoughts started racing, my stomach was in numerous knots, and my hands started to get clammy. I told her that I was all worked up and now she had no choice but to tell me, and I proceeded to ask her if something bad happened. I was devastated. Another friend of mine was killed in Iraq. All I remember was that I told her to shut up and say that she was only joking.. tears streamed down my face as patients in the hallway stared at me. I hung up the phone and took off running, with my face in my hands, directly into the EMS room. I spent a couple of minutes trying to convince myself that it wasn't true.. or better yet that it was true, because I know my sister would not lie to me, and I was in complete denial about the whole situation. Moments later, "Stacie to the desk please, Stacie to the desk." I was being over-head paged because the secretary wanted to go home and I had to cover for the last 2 hours of my shift. It was one of the longest 2 hours I have ever worked. I ended up calling D to tell her about it, because that's what best friends do, and well, I couldn't really pick up the phone and call Tony either, like I was able to when Rob and Dan died.
D did not know Nick (although her boyfriend knew him from highschool), but she came to the wake and funeral with me regardless. She gave me a shoulder to cry on, and reassured me that our boys will come home, safe and sound, soon enough. Normally those would be comforting words for me when I am crying, but somehow, it just doesn't cut it when you're at funeral of someone who just died while serving our country. I still appreciated the gesture though.
Other than attending Nick's services, I have been out shopping, with D of course. We have gone to a great number of stores, and have made multiple purchases of all sorts of goodies to put in care packages for the boys. Lately I have been wrapping everything I buy for him because I am going to get a Christmas package ready for him. I was informed that I need to send it around Nov. 10th-15th if I want him to get it on time. I really miss him so much. It's starting to get a little easier. I am slowly falling into a routine. What that routine consists of.. I'm not exactly sure. But what I do know is that there isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of him. Heck, he is the only reason I wake up in the morning. Anticipating phone calls, or love letters in the mail.. that's reason enough for me to roll out of bed on the yuckiest of days. It is comforting to know that 1 month has gone by rather quickly. Only 11 more to go. Sometimes people ask me how I do it, and I don't think I will ever know how to answer that question either. A lot of times I ask myself how I am going to do it. Sometimes I doubt myself, I doubt my strength and ability to get through this deployment. And then I remember that I have the love of an American Soldier. And with that love... anything is possible!
posted by Stacie @ 2:36 AM
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