Where do I even begin?! The first half of the week I was stuck in an emotional rut. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I wanted, so badly, to call out of work so that I could stay in bed all day long and cry... just cry and cry until there was nothing left inside of me. But, despite the feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock and not come out for the next year, I got my "lazy butt" ;) out of bed and made it through the days. I still went to work and helped save whatever lives needed to be saved. I still went out and did whatever errands needed to be done. Still went to the gym and what not. The only reason I had any motivation at all was because everytime I didn't want to roll out of bed and face another day, I thought of Tony. He doesn't have a choice. He has to get out of bed soo early every morning and subject himself to such rigorous training to prepare for battle. It's killing me so much inside to know (well, to atleast have an idea of) how bad his body hurts, and how worn out he is mentally. And I'm not going to lie, I am scared. I know that doesn't help him much. But it's not something I really need to vocalize. And that's another thing, I really haven't been all that talkative lately. It's hard for me to force a smile everyday. I used to be so good at hiding my sadness. But today one of the doctors (we'll just call him Dr. B), he approached me at work and mentioned that I wasn't very talkative today, and then proceeded to ask me if everything was okay. I said yes, and quickly walked away in fear that I might break down in front of him, then he'd know for sure I was lying. And you know how doctor's are.. they don't let things go. And if I had refused to talk to him while uncontrolabley crying, he'd think that I'm crazy. A section 12 was never (and never will be) on my list of things to accomplish in life before I die. I'll pass, thank you very much. I'll just continue to choke back my tears and bite my lip until it bleeds.

Thursday and Friday I didn't have to work. My mom and I went dress hunting on Thursday. We stopped at a place on Rt. 28 that opened maybe a year ago. We had never been there before, so we figured we'd give it a shot. I explained my situation to one of the ladies and she was beyond helpful. She lead my mom and I over to rack full of beautful, breath taking dresses. The first dress she showed me, I fell in love with it. I'm a very simple to person when it comes to shopping. When I see something I like... I know that's what I want. I can feel it. No need to keep looking, that would be a waste of precious time. My mom and I then went hunting for shoes at the mall. We didn't see anything we liked or anything that was actually worth the amount of money stated on the price tag. However, we were still in the spending mood, so we decided to grab a bite to eat. Even though I wasn't all that hungry, I knew I had to pacify my mom. I ordered the usual. A salad. But it's okay.. I'm getting married in less than 2 weeks.. I need to watch my waist line haha. Yesterday I went back to the dress place (I forget the name of it) for my fitting.. since I fit into little kid's clothing, quite a few adjustments need to be made so that the dress will fit me correctly. Not to mention that about a foot of material needs to be taken off the bottom so that I don't trip on it while walking. Needless to say, my mom helped steer me away from the dead end that I had bumped into.

Last night, however, took another wrong turn and started to go down-hill again. My sister (Levyii) came home and ended up spending the night (which was odd because she never stays home on Friday nights. She's always going to Sharon's house). We started chit chatting, which fine.. until she started lecturing me about personal issues. I asked her not to talk to me any more (I knew I was going to snap if I had to listen to her any longer). She ignored my request. So I asked her again to leave me alone. Whe wouldn't. I didn't even let it continuously escalate.. I just completely snapped on her and began yelling and shouting a good number of obscenities. A couple doors were slammed, more vulgar words were exchanged, and I stormed out of the house (slamming the front door behind me of course) with tears streaming down my face. I jumped in my car and left as quick as I possibly could and just drove. I didn't have a destination. And I really didn't want one either. It crossed my mind to drive directly down to Mississippi and find my hubby so that I could jump in his arms, bury my face in his shoulder, and wait for him to make everything better... because that's what he's good at. He's the only one who seems to be able to turn my world right-side-up. Or turn my frown upside down. He just makes me smile. When he holds me, it's like the rest of the busy world doesn't even exist. Everyone seems to disappear.. all the hectic noises just fade away... it's only me and my handsome hubby.

Speaking of my handsome man, I miss him sooo much lately. It's gotten really bad. I actually feel about 1 level beneath psycho stalker. Or maybe just psycho. The past few nights when I crawl into bed and the benadryl starts kicking in.. I curl up with a pair of his jeans. Not just any jeans... the ones he wore when he proposed to me. The ones with the "dirty" knee. And I haven't even washed them since that day. I know, I'm horrible. It's sketchy. I'm taking the whole "mssing him" thing waay overboard. But you know what? I really don't care. I miss my husband!! And it's one of the few ways that help me to feel a tad bit closer to him. My sister thinks I'm out of mind, and that sleeping with articles of his clothing is absolutely ludicrous. But it's obvious that she doesn't understand. She told me she is sick of the "poor me" shit. I don't understand how she's reaching that conclusion. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I'm just looking for a little support. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. I'm trying to get her to see things from my point of view. She's been with her boyfriend for about 4 years now. How would she feel if she was required to live a rather large chunk of her life being miles and miles away from him... having him be in a completely different country, being in a place where people want to, and are trying to kill him. Knowing that you might not get to spend the rest of your life with that person (like you anticipated doing)... the thought alone is enough to break me down and bring me to my knees with my face in my hands. And it has. There are days when everyone in my family is working or out doing errands and I come home to empty house, drag my feet down the hall to my bedroom, drop to my knees and just cry like a baby. I don't know why I spend so much time crying. I know it's not going to bring him home and that no matter what... I have to wait this out. And I will. I have no second thoughts. I do not doubt the love or support that I have for him. He is the only man in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I would do anything to have him home right now. I would give my own life if it meant that he could come home! Which I guess me dying would defeat the purpose oh him being home since the reason behind wanting him here is so that I can spend the rest of my life by his side.... but I guess to give you an idea of just how much I miss him right now.. that is the best way to explain it

I can feel the benadryl starting to kick in. I am going to cuddle up with his engagement jeans and aim for some pleasant dreams tonight... if I am able to even dream at all.


I love you so much Tony. I can't wait to hold you again!