It's been quite a while since I have posted anything. I feel like I have been slacking on this whole blog deal.. but I have been keeping myself busy.. attempting to pass the time as much as I can. And it's been so long since my last post that I'm not really sure where to begin.

I guess I will start with.. I'm officially MARRIED!! Tony came home for a 5-6 day block leave, and we enjoyed every second of it.. spending every second possible attached at the hip. And at the end of it all, we had to face the inevitable. We had to let go again.. for the 3rd time. Tony had no choice but to fight the death grip I had on his hand. Just as he was about to walk toward the gate for his flight back to MS, he turned around for one more hug, I took advantage of the situation and dove for his hand again, knowing I had to hold on tighter than I did a few minutes earlier. But before I even had the chance to tighten my grip, he pulled his hand away from me, faster than the amount of time it took for me to reach for it. I knew he was being the stronger one out of the two of us, but it still destroyed me. My heart went crashing to floor. Watching him walk away from me, knowing how much he loves me, and that I cannot follow him.. it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I must have stood there at the gate for about ten minutes, waiting for him to come running back to me. I knew it wouldn't happen, but I figured there was no harm in standing there waiting... and praying that it would happen.

On a more positive note, my friend D (I will refer to her as D for the sake of her privacy) came home from Cali last week. She is dating my friend, F (again... sake of his privacy). He is in Iraq right now. I am so grateful for her return home. We have been spending a lot of time together lately, getting care packages ready for the boys, writing letters to them, staying up all night watching movies (waiting for our men to call us), making nightly trips to Denny's, just to have a couple cups of coffee, when we can very easily make some at home.. we have just been trying to keep busy, and keep eachother sane at the same time.. and so far, we have both been doing a damn good job! Tonight we took a trip to Wal-Mart and picked up some stuff to make trail mix for the boys. Sure it's easier to just buy a bag already made.. but I have a secret (eh, I guess it's not that big of a secret) recipe and like to put together my own mix. I don't even know if Tony likes trail mix.. but even if he doesn't, he will now!! Just because I took the time to make it. And you're damn right I made it with lots of love!! He may be thousands of miles away, but I still want to try and take care of him anyways!!

Ok, so I should've already left my house about an hour ago to finish up some errands before Tony comes home. 1 day and a wake up! I still feel like I'm dreaming. The reality of this block leave hasn't hit me full force yet. I'm sure it will on Wednesday when I arrive at the airport 2 hours early to pick him up! I do not want anything to delay me and make me late picking my soldier up!! With the luck that I have (or don't have, for that matter) I'd leave my house at the correct time and wind up stuck in traffic due to one reason or another. No, sir. It ain't going to happen! Nothing is stopping me!

I have been extremely stressed out lately! I'm constantly thinking about him while I'm laying in bed at night.. which isn't such a bad thing.. but I tend to stay up all night thinking about him. I know if I shut my eyes and try real hard to sleep, I could dream about him which is just as great! The only thing is, I don't have any control at all over my dreams.. so I guess I'm afraid that if I sleep, there may be a chance that I don't have a dream about Tony. And that's always disappointing.

Yeah.. this is the epitome of a short post.. but I really should go check the oil in my car and finish getting ready so I can get to work on time!

I love you sweet heart! Hurry home!!... because I'm here waiting for ya!! <3

One more day and this week is officially over! I can't ignore the fact that it has gone by surprisingly fast. Faster than I thought it would. But, of course not fast enough for me. Only 4 more days and a wake up until I can throw myself into Tony's arms. If I could, I would go to the airport tonight and wait there for him until Wednesday. I still haven't been able to sleep at night, which makes time drag even more. So then I go back to relying on the good old benadryl, which causes me to sleep until noon time.. and some days I have even slept until 2pm. By the time I wake up, I either have to get ready for work or I just have no motivation at all from being over tired and I accomplish absolutely nothing. However, this week I feel like I have gotten a lot done, and at the same time, I know I haven't completed even half of the chores on my "to do" list.

My mom has been driving me crazy all week long with wedding details. Tuesday was somewhat of a "let's get pampered" day. She had to go to the hairdresser, but needed me to drive her there because her shoulder was hurting her a great deal. So me being the wonderful, loving daughter than I am, drove her to the salon.. and also tok advantage of the situation. My mom opted for a perm and while she was sitting under the dryer, I asked Ann if she could give me a nice trim job and wax my eyebrows... and I of course had her add it to my mom's bill. I'm sneaky like that.

Wednesday it was back to the real world... another lovely 8 hour shift in the emergency room. It wasn't all that busy. Time dragged as usual and later that night I relied on my best friend to help me sleep. I slept the day away Thursday until my mom woke me up around 1pm yelling at me to get ready so we could go and check out a restaurant to host the wedding reception at. I griped and moaned for a good 5 minutes before rolling out of bed semi-conscious. I threw on the first outfit I found, a t-shirt and jeans (no surprise there.. comfort comes before anything), and we headed to the restaurant. I knew my mom was going to settle for it. And plus it's not like we have a whole heck of a lot of time to decide on a place, and this restaurant actually had an opening for the 17th. Most place you need to book about 1 year in advance. We were quite grateful to be able to find such a nice cozy little place to host the wedding reception at. I never realized how much work planning such an event really was. The lady then hands us a menu telling us we can pick 2 dishes for people to choose from and she also handed me a map of the 2 rooms showing the set up of the tables... we get to make seating arrangements. Great. More stress added to the list. I pretty much left it up to my mom to figure our all of that. And some how I still ended up being frustrated over the whole task.

Last night a couple of my friends had quite the treat for me! They had an extra ticket and asked me to join them for the Godsmack, Rob Zombie, and Shinedown concert. The only one I really wanted to see was Shinedown. Fortunately we made it just in time to see them since they ended up playing first. I thought it was going to be a nice enjoyable night with no crying at all.. until Brent Smith (the singer of shinedown) decided to ask everyone a personal question. He asked all to try and think of a time in life when they we were inspired by someone or something. He got to talking about a show they did a few weeks back in Texas, and that the people they played for were a great inspiration to them. These men and women wanted Shinedown to play a show for them before shipping out to Iraq the next morning. They started playing the song "I Dare You" and made mention that it goes out to all the men and women serving in the military, defending our country. I broke down in tears before they even started playing the song. I was finally able to collect myself near the end of the song.. and just when I thought I was going to be okay.. they next song they played was "Simple Man" and I couldn't help it.. I cried like a baby again because that is Tony's favorite song! I was compelled to call him.. his voice mail picked up and I let him know what song they were playing, that I was thinking of him, and that I love him.
Later on that night it started to get pretty chilly and stupid me, I left my sweat shirt in the car because I didn't think it was going to get that cold. So as I was freezing my butt off.. I looked around me and noticed all the guys who were holding onto their significant other trying to keep them warm and I couldn't stop it... my heart sank right to the floor before I could even try to catch it. I wanted nothing more than to have Tony right there beside me, holding me tightly in his warm and loving arms. I had to remind myself that his absence is only temporary. He will be home for good... eventually. And I'll get to fall asleep in his arms every single night for the rest of my life.

Today was just not a good day for me. My mom really got on my nerves today with the wedding stuff. Our guest list finally hit 65.. and that's when she told me "No MORE!" So tonight I work I started thinking about it. I felt like something just wasn't right. Then it dawned on me.. my parents have invited waaay more of their friends than I have. I think I have a total of 4 of my friends on the guest list. I find it to be incredibly rude and inconsiderate of them to do such a thing considering the fact it's not their day. It is mine and Tony's. Granted, they are paying for the whole thing.. but still. I want my friends to be there and meet Tony and what not before he goes over seas.

Work tonight didn't help my stress level very much. Apparently cleaning a white board is far more important than helping an elderly patient out of her son's pickup truck outside of triage. The triage nurse called back to core of the ER and asked for a specific male staff member to go out and help this lady out of the truck. He couldn't do it. He was cleaning the white board. Because I actually care about the patients that come to our ER, I put down what I was doing and went out to triage. The triage nurse was confused when she saw me. She couldn't quite understand why they had sent me to do it. But I explained to her how they didn't send me.. no one else would go and help, so I figured I would. Come to find out at the end of everything, this lady had a pelvic fracture. So what the hell were we supposed to do? Throw her over our shoulder and work a miracle or something?! We finally got her onto a stretcher and proceeded out back with her when the nurse happened to roll right over my foot with the damn thing. I would have been so aggravated about it if I didn't have 2 surgeries on it already in the past.. and not to mention my freaking wedding is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER! I really would like to try and avoid having any broken bones for this venue! Thanks! And to make my night even more chaotic, our secretary left at 9pm.. so the other ER Tech I was working with had to cover on the desk until 11pm. This left me all by myself for 2 hours. I know what you're thinking.. 2 hours isn't all that long. But you know what?? When you have no one to help you transport patients and 6 nurses all asking you to get vital signs on this person, do an EKG on that person, take that person to the bathroom, clean up the other person, check so and so's blood sugar... and doctor's freaking out because 2 of their patients have yet to go to CT scan, nurses from other departments calling and asking why their admission hasn't been brought up yet... 2 hours is a very VERY long time. Not to mention I drank a large black iced coffee and hadn't taken a piss since before I got to work at 3pm. I was pretty sure my bladder was going to rupture before the end of my shift.

It is now 3:30 in the AM and I'm really not all that tired. But I guess I should try to get some sleep so I have some energy to get my butt to the gym today and finish a bunch of this last minute wedding stuff so that my mother doesn't end up having chest pain or something of the sort!

I love you Tony!!! I always have and I always will!!!!

Wow, I had no idea that people were actually reading this thing. I'll admit it.. I grinned a tad when I realized I had a couple of comments. Thank you to the both of you for taking the time to read this and for proving to me that there are some decent people left on the face of this Earth who actually care. Hopefully I'll be able to hold your attention (and support for that matter) for this whole up coming year during Tony's deployment... and if I am unsuccessful.. well, I apologize in advance.

I would not consider today to be an up-day at all. About an hour before I had to be at work my mom decided to come into my room and yell at me. Of course I broke down in tears and she continued to tell me that my family is not going to put up with me stressing them out for the next year. Are you kidding me?!?! They are stressed????!... because of me?!?!?! How in the world could she even say that to me??! Put yourself in my shoes, mom! Yeah, I know I am the one who chose this life.. but it's not like I could stop myself from falling in love with Tony... considering the fact I actually did try to stop myself at one point.. but then I realized I was already in love with him, so then I tried falling out of love with him.. and that didn't work either. So forgive me for having mood swings every now and again because the person I am head over heels in love with is miles and miles away from me right now and I miss him dearly!!! It's hard waking up everyday, knowing that my family has no clue how I'm feeling. I have no one around me who REALLY understands what it is like to be left behind. I have been left behind because Tony is going to Iraq.. defending my mom's freedom to bitch and yell at me about every little thing that she can possible think of, causing me to feel so unbelievably minute and trivial.

When my mom had finally finished having her fun by reducing me to tears and throwing her little tantrum, I grabbed my keys and headed to work... continuing to sob on the way. I must say.. that was one of the longest 12 hour shifts ever. And nothing interesting even came in, but that's okay.. because we had plenty of psychs and chest pains throughout the night to keep us busy. The joys of working in an emergency room. It's almost 5 in the A.M. and I am not even tired. I wish I was... I have to be back there in less than 12 hours for another mighty fun 8 hour shift. The only positive perspective on this is that it's a holiday, and I will be getting time and a half.. not that it makes an enormous difference in my depressing, bi-weekly paycheck.

I suppose I should try and get a few hours of sleep so that I don't end up being tired.. and useless.. when I go back into work at 3pm today. I suppose if I can't sleep I could always head to the gym for a little while. Who knows? At this point.. I'll do anything to keep myself busy. 8 days and a wake up... Almost there hubby!!!

Where do I even begin?! The first half of the week I was stuck in an emotional rut. I didn't want to get out of bed at all. I wanted, so badly, to call out of work so that I could stay in bed all day long and cry... just cry and cry until there was nothing left inside of me. But, despite the feeling of wanting to crawl under a rock and not come out for the next year, I got my "lazy butt" ;) out of bed and made it through the days. I still went to work and helped save whatever lives needed to be saved. I still went out and did whatever errands needed to be done. Still went to the gym and what not. The only reason I had any motivation at all was because everytime I didn't want to roll out of bed and face another day, I thought of Tony. He doesn't have a choice. He has to get out of bed soo early every morning and subject himself to such rigorous training to prepare for battle. It's killing me so much inside to know (well, to atleast have an idea of) how bad his body hurts, and how worn out he is mentally. And I'm not going to lie, I am scared. I know that doesn't help him much. But it's not something I really need to vocalize. And that's another thing, I really haven't been all that talkative lately. It's hard for me to force a smile everyday. I used to be so good at hiding my sadness. But today one of the doctors (we'll just call him Dr. B), he approached me at work and mentioned that I wasn't very talkative today, and then proceeded to ask me if everything was okay. I said yes, and quickly walked away in fear that I might break down in front of him, then he'd know for sure I was lying. And you know how doctor's are.. they don't let things go. And if I had refused to talk to him while uncontrolabley crying, he'd think that I'm crazy. A section 12 was never (and never will be) on my list of things to accomplish in life before I die. I'll pass, thank you very much. I'll just continue to choke back my tears and bite my lip until it bleeds.

Thursday and Friday I didn't have to work. My mom and I went dress hunting on Thursday. We stopped at a place on Rt. 28 that opened maybe a year ago. We had never been there before, so we figured we'd give it a shot. I explained my situation to one of the ladies and she was beyond helpful. She lead my mom and I over to rack full of beautful, breath taking dresses. The first dress she showed me, I fell in love with it. I'm a very simple to person when it comes to shopping. When I see something I like... I know that's what I want. I can feel it. No need to keep looking, that would be a waste of precious time. My mom and I then went hunting for shoes at the mall. We didn't see anything we liked or anything that was actually worth the amount of money stated on the price tag. However, we were still in the spending mood, so we decided to grab a bite to eat. Even though I wasn't all that hungry, I knew I had to pacify my mom. I ordered the usual. A salad. But it's okay.. I'm getting married in less than 2 weeks.. I need to watch my waist line haha. Yesterday I went back to the dress place (I forget the name of it) for my fitting.. since I fit into little kid's clothing, quite a few adjustments need to be made so that the dress will fit me correctly. Not to mention that about a foot of material needs to be taken off the bottom so that I don't trip on it while walking. Needless to say, my mom helped steer me away from the dead end that I had bumped into.

Last night, however, took another wrong turn and started to go down-hill again. My sister (Levyii) came home and ended up spending the night (which was odd because she never stays home on Friday nights. She's always going to Sharon's house). We started chit chatting, which fine.. until she started lecturing me about personal issues. I asked her not to talk to me any more (I knew I was going to snap if I had to listen to her any longer). She ignored my request. So I asked her again to leave me alone. Whe wouldn't. I didn't even let it continuously escalate.. I just completely snapped on her and began yelling and shouting a good number of obscenities. A couple doors were slammed, more vulgar words were exchanged, and I stormed out of the house (slamming the front door behind me of course) with tears streaming down my face. I jumped in my car and left as quick as I possibly could and just drove. I didn't have a destination. And I really didn't want one either. It crossed my mind to drive directly down to Mississippi and find my hubby so that I could jump in his arms, bury my face in his shoulder, and wait for him to make everything better... because that's what he's good at. He's the only one who seems to be able to turn my world right-side-up. Or turn my frown upside down. He just makes me smile. When he holds me, it's like the rest of the busy world doesn't even exist. Everyone seems to disappear.. all the hectic noises just fade away... it's only me and my handsome hubby.

Speaking of my handsome man, I miss him sooo much lately. It's gotten really bad. I actually feel about 1 level beneath psycho stalker. Or maybe just psycho. The past few nights when I crawl into bed and the benadryl starts kicking in.. I curl up with a pair of his jeans. Not just any jeans... the ones he wore when he proposed to me. The ones with the "dirty" knee. And I haven't even washed them since that day. I know, I'm horrible. It's sketchy. I'm taking the whole "mssing him" thing waay overboard. But you know what? I really don't care. I miss my husband!! And it's one of the few ways that help me to feel a tad bit closer to him. My sister thinks I'm out of mind, and that sleeping with articles of his clothing is absolutely ludicrous. But it's obvious that she doesn't understand. She told me she is sick of the "poor me" shit. I don't understand how she's reaching that conclusion. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I'm just looking for a little support. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is. I'm trying to get her to see things from my point of view. She's been with her boyfriend for about 4 years now. How would she feel if she was required to live a rather large chunk of her life being miles and miles away from him... having him be in a completely different country, being in a place where people want to, and are trying to kill him. Knowing that you might not get to spend the rest of your life with that person (like you anticipated doing)... the thought alone is enough to break me down and bring me to my knees with my face in my hands. And it has. There are days when everyone in my family is working or out doing errands and I come home to empty house, drag my feet down the hall to my bedroom, drop to my knees and just cry like a baby. I don't know why I spend so much time crying. I know it's not going to bring him home and that no matter what... I have to wait this out. And I will. I have no second thoughts. I do not doubt the love or support that I have for him. He is the only man in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I would do anything to have him home right now. I would give my own life if it meant that he could come home! Which I guess me dying would defeat the purpose oh him being home since the reason behind wanting him here is so that I can spend the rest of my life by his side.... but I guess to give you an idea of just how much I miss him right now.. that is the best way to explain it

I can feel the benadryl starting to kick in. I am going to cuddle up with his engagement jeans and aim for some pleasant dreams tonight... if I am able to even dream at all.


I love you so much Tony. I can't wait to hold you again!