I think I'm ready to post a quick update. My life has consisted of nothing but work (surprise surprise), school, work, sleep, work, and talking to Tony every chance I get. Life in the ER never seems to stop! It seems that the nicer the weather gets, the more patients we get. And it always seems to be silly little complaints that can wait til the next day to see their primary care doctor. Nothing is ever urgent in the emergency room, I figured that one out a long time ago. I'm supposed to work 7a-3p tomorrow, however, my manager asked me today if I would come in at 3am tomorrow instead of 7am. I was hesitant to take her up on the offer because it's hard enough as it is getting my butt up and ready to be there by 7am. I told her that I will make every effort to be in at 3am, but I wasn't writing my name down incase I do over sleep. This will put me into over time this week, so I really am going to give it my all and try to get to work by 3am. I will seriously be amazed if I get through the next couple months without having a heart attack. This no sleep cycle/lack of sleep thing is taking a toll on my well-being. The only thing that keeps me driving on is my hubby. He works his hiney off over there and he has no choice. It's not like he can sit there and choose whether or not he wants to work that day and/or pick up more hours. When they tell him, "Let's GO" they mean it. The other day he pulled almost a 20 hour shift. I don't understand how they expect those guys to pull such ridiculous shifts like that with little to no sleep at all. When you're that tired your reflexes aren't the greatest and at times you let your guard down. Those men and women can't afford that! Their lives are at stake! I don't even really bother asking anymore because I know that whatever answer I get will just piss me off more.
This Friday I have a photo shoot scheduled. I'm excited about that. It'll be something to help pass the time, and on top of that I'll have pictures to send to the hubby. I've also been watching the America's Next Top Model marathons on Saturdays, so I really feel ready for it! :) That used to be my dream growing up.. being a model. But then I stopped growing, and that became a problem. I'm far too short to ever do any kind of modeling, but it's still fun doing unpaid shoots on the side and building up a portfolio anyways.
Another quick update, I feel like the world's worst wife! My hubby's birthday is on Wednesday and I have yet to send him a card or a package!! I have cards and I have the stuff to put a care package together, I've just been so busy with work and school and everything else inbetween. I really feel awful about it! I told Tony that he will get stuff from me.. it's just going to be a little late. He says he understands, but I know that deep down.. he's disappointed in me! It's now seven months into the deployment and for some reason I still feel so new at this whole thing! I guess it's one of those things in life that you never get used to! And to be completely honest.. I don't want to get used to this life! Yeah, I chose it, but I also don't want to live it forever! I just keep telling myself that this is only temporary and eventually it'll all come to end. And then somewhere in the mix of all of that.. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe.

Well, I hit that breaking point tonight. I broke down and continuted to break down until Tony called me after his shift ended. I got in a huge fight with my mom tonight and to be honest, I'm not even really sure what started it.. all I know is that I was the one biting my tongue while being yelled at. I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I wasn't all that thrilled when my mom told me that my sister had called home from boot camp today to let her know that she was in the infirmary with possible stress fractures in her ankles. I had a long day at work, by myself, and needed something to eat before I collapsed, and then I sat down on the couch next to my mom and asked her some questions about my sister. Within thirty minutes or so, the two of us were at each other's throats. Somehow it ended up being about me not caring about my sister, and me yelling about the fact that they don't care about Tony. I knew I shouldn't have touched that subject, but it's true. They don't write to him, they barely e-mail him. They always seem to wait until I'm on the phone with him and then they'll tell me, to tell him, that they say, "Hello." All I know is that I can't wait until he comes home so I can get the heck out of here. I miss him so much! I feel like I need him now more than ever! And it kills me that he can't come home and hold me, even just for five minutes! This feeling of lonliness is getting so old and I am more than ready to settle into my marriage. Who wouldn't be ready for that after being married for one year and only seeing each other for a total of less than one month. But I love him more than anything in this world, and I am willing to do anything for him. He is definately worth the wait.

Before I head off to bed tonight, I just want to thank Kristen Tsetsi for mentioning my blog in a myspace bulletin. I got a handful of responses from other military wives and it is so comforting to know that I am not alone. I know that there are thousands of military spouses, but there really isn't any in my area, which makes it more difficult to cope. But being able to talk to you ladies here on the net makes it so much easier to breathe. I'm glad I can share my life experiences with you all, so that you, too, can know that someone out there knows and understands exactly what you are going through. God Bless all of you and I hope that you find my blog interesting and continue to read it! Good night and sweet dreams!

I think I'm finally starting to hit my breaking point. That fine line in between being able to hold my composure in any given situation and ripping my hair out while running into the walls of a padded room, is slowly started to fade. I'm not giving up on my husband, and I am certainly not giving up on this deployment. I just can't seem to find a spare five minutes where I'm actually able to take a deep breath, which is exactly why myself and one of my co-workers are going out for a couple of drinks tonight. We've both put in a ridiculous amount of hours over the last week and a half and we finally have a day off tomorrow, so we decided that it was necessary to celebrate. After I got home from work today, at 3pm, I've been hanging out around the house. That's much different than what I should have been doing. The weather has been so nice the last couple of days and I have missed all of it. All day I had been telling myself that I was going to lay outside and soak up the sun when I got home. That all changed when I walked in the door and got to sit down for the first time in umm... let's see... about ten days. Now I have no motivation to do much of anything... except go out for drinks, of course. I feel like I'm half dead right now and to be quite honest.. I probably should be with the way I am working myself.
I no longer hear from Tony on his breaks everyday. This really upsets me because the only time I get to talk to him is the first thing in the morning before work, which just happens to be the crabbiest part of the day for me, or at night when he has finished his shift. And by the time he gets back to his room he is so very tired and usually passes out in no time once his head hits the pillow. I thought that we'd be much closer this half of the deployment, but since when am I ever right about anything. Instead, I feel so distant from him. I find myself worrying a lot more without him calling me in the middle of the day. Right now I feel like my head is about to explode with the way it's throbbing. I'm trying to convince myself that my head hurts because I haven't really eaten much today. Actually, I haven't really eaten much of anything the last week. I guess I better make that a priority before going out with KC for drinks!

I've been trying desperately to post over this last week, but work has been eating up most of my time. From last Sunday up until yesterday I have put in over fifty hours. Over time has been the only thing keeping me going. That, and knowing how hard my husband works everyday of the week over in Iraq.
Thanks to Global Warming, the begining of the week was nothing but floods everywhere. Monday was just an awful day all together for me. I started the day off talking to Tony on the computer while getting ready for work. I got to see his sweet face on webcam, which led me to believe that it was going to be a great day. But since God seems to hate me so much, of course I was wrong. Right in the middle of our conversation, Tony's internet crashed. My mood did a complete 180. I finished getting ready and then made my way outside, into the nasty, rainy weather. As I got in my car, my hubby called me back because he didn't get a chance to tell me he loves me before the internet went down. My mood decided to pull another 180, and nothing could bring me down. Until I ran over a twig in the road that got lodged underneath my car and hitched a ride with me. I could hear it dragging on the street as I continued to drive. As I started freaking out, I became oblivious to the fact I was still on the phone with Tony. He reminded me he was still on the line by trying to calm me down and apologizing that he couldn't be home to help me. I pulled into Dunkin Donuts (like I always do before any of my shifts) and got down on my hands and knees to try and pull the twig out. Keep in mind that it was still down pouring. My car sits so low, I was almost lying on my stomach to try and find where the twig was residing. I grabbed, what I thought was the stick, and tried to pull it out. I freaked out even more when I realized it wasn't moving. Well, the reason that stick wasn't moving was because it wasn't a stick. It was one of the pipes under my car. I finally found a piece of the twig and was able to pull it out from under my car with no problem at all. I proceeded into Dunkins to retrieve my coffee and continued my lowsy drive to work. On the way, Tony and I said our 'I love yous' and got off the phone.
I walked into work completely drenched from the knees down, due to my lovely twig experience on the way to work. The night shift tech, who was getting ready to leave, asked me if I wanted him to make my bad day even worse. I said no, but he did anyways. He told me that the other tech who was scheduled to work with me had called out sick. That meant I had to stock the entire department, the IV carts, the suture cart, the EKG carts, the airway carts, replace oxygen tanks, replace needle boxes, and then on top of that I had to do the daily order of supplies. I was counting down the hours until I'd hear from my hubby. When the time came for him to take his break, I started to get excited because I knew he'd be calling me. And with the day I was having, I was in dire need of a pick me up. The time came. The time went. I never heard from him. I thought that maybe the phones were down so I checked my e-mail. Nothing. As my shift ended and the 3pm tech arrived, I started to give her report. I was telling her what I had done and what might need to be double checked. In the middle of the report, the operator came over the loud speaker stating a, "Code 99, Sub Ground, Morgue." For those of you who don't know, a code 99 is called when someone in the hospital becomes unresponsive or goes into cardiac arrest. And as for the morgue... if you don't know what that is then you're stupid. So as the operator continued to call the code over the loud speaker, I went and grabbed the airway bag and joined my confused co-workers in the discussion of where the hell we were supposed to go. As freaked out as we all were, we ran to the code anyways, since that's what our job requires us to do.. save lives. When we got there, we found out that it was an employee who tripped over some of the construction workers' equipment and face planted on the ground.
After work, I went home to change and then headed to class early so that I could find ways around all of the flooding. I should've called before I left my house because when I got there, there wasn't a single car in the parking lot. I decided to spend my time driving around, taking pictures of the floods so that I could show them to Tony. As I was sitting at a red light, the driver of a car beside me, beeped her horn. When I turned to look, I saw a young girl in the driver's seat making the sign of the cross and then pointed at me. I started to cry. That kind gesture alone made my day so much better. I find it refreshing to know that there are people in this world who still care. I hope that young girl realizes that she truly touched my heart.
When I finally arrived back at my house, the first thing I did was check e-mail to see if Tony had sent me something. I always tell him that if he doesn't have time to call me, to just send me an e-mail instead so that I atleast know he's still alive. So when I logged in and found out that I had no new messages I began to panic. Eventually I found out from one of his battle buddies that there was a big riot going on. So I began to panic even more. His shift eventually ended and he came online, which calmed me down instantly.
The rest of my week has been filled with nothing but work. At this point I am just so physically and mentally exhausted that I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. Well, actually, I take that back. I do know what to do with myself... pick up more time at work. This week I'll be dipping into over time, once again. But I can't argue with that. It's the only thing that's really keeping me sane while I'm there.

Can someone please tell me what in the heck is up with New England!? We're in April and now it decides to snow! Today's weather has been absolutely awful! When I left my house at 6:30 this AM it wasn't looking real great outside, but atleast it was dry. At 3pm I walk out of work only to find a mixture of ginormous snowflakes and sleet coming down hard and fast! I've heard of the saying "April showers bring May flowers" but come on! This is a tad bit ridiculous! Tony and I have summed it all up to Murphy's Law. The only reason it's snowing now is because while Tony was home, he had my winter tires taken off and he had the 18" rims, that he bought for me, put on my car. And now that he has gone back to Iraq, of course the snow won't hesitate to come down. To make this post a little bit interesting I'm going to toss in a picture of my pretty little car :)

I've had the writing on the back of my window ever since he's been in Iraq, and I really don't plan on taking it off until he comes home. I guess you could say it's a deployment thing. I've been on a hunt for more magnets. I can't seem to find a place around here that sells a large variety of them. Tony bought the yellow "Keep My Soldier Safe" ribbon for me when we were up north. I used to have a tiny red, white, and blue ribbon that said something like "Freedom Isn't Free" but someone decided that they wanted to be cool and stole it off the back of my car. I still can't seem to fathom why anyone would do such a thing. I was really hurt when I got to my car one day only to find it missing. I wish people would realize that something so small and inexpensive, such as a magnet, can mean the world to someone else. Someone such as us military families that have a loved one in a war zone. We wear our magnets with pride. So the next time you see a "Support Our Troops" magnet and you get that itchy little hand that's tempted to take.. you better stop and thing again, because if you're in my area and see you swiping someone else's magnet, there WILL be issues. I'm not afraid to throw down in the middle of a parking garage over something that I believe in. So keep your hands to yourself and don't touch my magnets!! This is the only warning you get.

So, now that I got that out of the way, I guess I should admit that the only reason I'm really posting is because I'm waiting for Tony to finish his shift and come online. That, and it has been a while since I made a legit post. I suppose I could just post pictures from when Tony was home, and then blab about each and every one of them. That actually sounds like a semi decent idea.

This is me waiting at the airport for Tony's flight to arrive. My sister started to count the number of times I shouted, "I'm so excited!" I think after the first ten times she lost count and gave up. Who wouldn't be excited?! Notice my clenched fist too. I think at one point my knuckles turned bright white and my hand started to go numb.

Here I am, sitting on my little brother's lap, after I found out Tony's flight was delayed for ten minutes. You have no idea how close I was to throwing a temper tantrum and crying right there, in the middle of the airport. But I knew that eventually his plane would land and he'd call me the moment he was able to. However, when I did get his phone call, there was a tad bit of confusion.

He called me and told me that he was off the plane and wanted to know where I was because he couldn't see me. That's when I knew I was in the wrong place because I had been sitting right next to the gate the entire time. I told him that I was upstairs waiting for him when he responded with, "I'm downstairs!" Apparently I don't understand English all that well because I still felt the need to ask him, "What do you mean you're downstairs?!" After that I realized that I was only wasting time standing there, so I spun on my heel and sprinted for the stairs. When I got to the bottom I still didn't see him. Instead, I had about twenty people standing in front of me, staring at, and I'm sure they were most likely wondering what in the hell I was doing. I stood there looking all around me, desperately trying to find my husband, when out of the corner of my left eye I saw him! There he was, running through the airport to get to me. It was almost like something out of a fairytale! I jumped off the step I had been standing on and ran to him as fast as I could. I must have jumped about three feet in the air and into his arms. I wish I could describe how amazing it is to have the opportunity in life to experience a reunion like this one. It is truly beautiful missing something that much. For something in life to actually... literally... take your breath away, it's indescrible. My heart was beating so hard, and so fast, I thought for sure it was going to beat right out of my chest.


There wasn't really anything to do after we left the airport. It was just about 9:30pm by the time we got his luggage and headed out of the airport. We did have plans to go to a bar for a drink or two seeing as it was St. Patrick's Day. However, the place we wanted to go to was at maximum capacity, as I'm sure every other place was too. We decided to stay at the hotel that night and relax.

We love being silly. Seriously. We're both far too spontaneous and outgoing to take normal pictures. It's little things like this that seem to make us fall more in love. His adorable faces make me weak in the knees and always find a way to melt my heart. I love my silly hubby :)

Here we are, up in the north country, dancing the night away in each other's arms. Those are the nights that I live for. And those were the nights that helped form the incredible friendship we had before we turned it into a relationship. I miss everything about those nights. Laughing our worries away. Drinking ourselves into complete silliness and not giving a damn what everyone else thinks. The way he looks into my eyes and moves in front of me. His hands on my waistline holding me close. There isn't a single thing I wouldn't give to have one of those nights, tonight. It's amazing how the two of us can get so intoxicated and still remember every detail of the night because it has so much meaning to us. Because we know that the memories we create are what's going to get us through the rest of this deployment. It's simply amazing.

I love precious kisses from my handsome dead sexy bad ass over whelmingly breath taking soldier hubby!

After spending the night in each other's arms, and in tears, here we are at the airport getting ready to let go, yet again. I've had to let him go a number of times already, at the begining of the deployment, and I thought that it was going to easier every time I had to do it. I wish that was the case. For some reason, it always ends up hurting more than it did the last time. I think it's because I know what to expect. At the begining, everything was a surprise to me. It was a challenge learning how to adjust to living life alone, without the one that I love. Now, I am well aware of the lonliness that follows as I watch him walk through the gate. I spent two amazing weeks sleeping next to the love of my life, and now it's hard sometimes. There are nights where I wake up reaching out for him. I try to fill the empty space beside me with the teddy bears he has sent me over the last six months, but it never seems to take the pain away. It's been hard getting back into my normal routine of going to work and focusing on what I need to do when I have all of my co-workers asking me how my vacation was. They don't realize that I just want to "forget" about it. I don't mean I want to literally forget about it, but I just want to reminisce when it's convenient for me. When I am completely alone and able to cry my heart out. It's going to take some time for me to be able to recall memories without completely breaking down. It's all about time. Sigh.