Finally, I am no longer sick! Once again I can eat.. and smell the flowers Tony sent me for my birthday! It feels good to get ailment obsticle out of the way, however, the events that took place over the last few days have left me in a state of complete hysteria, rage, and confinement.
On Saturday, it had been 4 years exactly since my first car accident.. but it didn't dawn on me until after I got into another accident.
I went up north again to visit my new family.. Lord knows they are about the only people who know and understand what I am going through.. and they also help me feel close to Tony as well. So I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with them. I attended the family reunion they had, and brought D with me. We couldn't spend the night up there because the both of us had work the next day.. although given the choice we would've stayed up north. We were following my sister-in-law back to the house, and that's when it happened. It was raining out.. and pretty darn cold too.. we approached a bend and as I began to slow down a bit before entering it, my car began fishy tailing and I couldn't seem to pull out of it. We ended up going off the road and into a big ditch. We just barely missed a telephone pole. Because my car is so low to the ground and what not, there was quite a bit of damage to it. (Tony disagrees with me saying that if he were home he could fix it in a single weekend). That's when the hysteria kicked in, full force. My car still turned on, but I was stuck in that ditch and going nowhere, fast. D decides she is going to try and push my car out of that ditch.. and I'm not going to lie.. she is one girl that I don't ever want to piss off as long as I live. She pushed my car out of the ditch all on her own! We continued ripping pieces of my broken bumper off of my car, while waiting for my sister-in-law to realize that we were no longer behind her so she could turn around and come back and get us. My car drove the rest of the way to the house. (Thank You, God!).
Hysteria was eventually replaced by rage. Sometimes I feel like everything bad happens to me and nothing ever happens to anyone else. On top of that, I had myself convinced that Tony was going to be so angry at me and would probably want to divorce me after I tell him about it. But I was wrong about that. His main concern was me. He immediately asked if I was okay and I told him I was and then I explained to him how everything happened. He told me that would get my car taken care of. He is the best hubby in the world!
Confinement set in on Monday while I was at work. I was actually in a good mood when I got there. Tony and I had been married for 2 months exactly and I got to talk to him as well. So that's enough to put any army wife in a great mood. The individual who ruined it for me was my manager. As she's walking through the department she saw me and asked if she could talk to me. The first thing that went through my head was "Oh, great.. how did I violate the dress code this time?!" But I was way off. I wanted to fall on the floor when I heard the words "Are you okay" come out of her mouth. I honestly could not believe she was asking me that. I wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to hear.. so I told her that I was fine. Then she made mention that I have been "teary" lately and people are "concerned" about me. I reminded her that my husband is in Iraq... in a warzone... where people want to kill him. I figured I wouldn't need to say anything more after that, but to my surprise she says "Yeah?" As if that's not a reason for me to be so upset. Is it really not okay for me to miss my husband?? Then she tells me that people are noticing that I spend a lot of time on the phone. These people that I work with are all sooooo concerned about me, but I get to talk to the one person who I miss more than anything, that's all of a sudden a problem. It's not okay for me to cry at work, but when the only person who can make me smile, calls me from a warzone, it's wrong of me to answer and talk to him. I don't get it. What bothered me most is when my manager suggested counseling. To be honest with you, I wanted to lay her out. I told her I didn't want counseling, it never helps anyone. All you do is pour your heart and soul out to those people while they sit there nodding their head acting like they understand exactly where you're coming from. No one understands unless they are going through it. And the second you cry in front of those people, you are classified as mentally unstable and they push a truck load of pills on you that end up making you feel even more depressed than you were before you talked to them. I can't talk to my family about anything, my friends don't understand, and to top it all off there really isn't anything I can say to people at work without them being "concerned" about me (in the real world we call that being nosy and wanting something to gossip about.. I may be young, but I'm not stupid.). I don't think I have ever felt this alone before.
I have hit rock bottom in this deployment, but I am not willing to give up. I made a commitment and most of all I made a promise. I'm not giving up. Not now, and not ever. I have something worth holding onto, and that's what I am going to do. Things can only go up from here. I hope.
On Saturday, it had been 4 years exactly since my first car accident.. but it didn't dawn on me until after I got into another accident.
I went up north again to visit my new family.. Lord knows they are about the only people who know and understand what I am going through.. and they also help me feel close to Tony as well. So I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with them. I attended the family reunion they had, and brought D with me. We couldn't spend the night up there because the both of us had work the next day.. although given the choice we would've stayed up north. We were following my sister-in-law back to the house, and that's when it happened. It was raining out.. and pretty darn cold too.. we approached a bend and as I began to slow down a bit before entering it, my car began fishy tailing and I couldn't seem to pull out of it. We ended up going off the road and into a big ditch. We just barely missed a telephone pole. Because my car is so low to the ground and what not, there was quite a bit of damage to it. (Tony disagrees with me saying that if he were home he could fix it in a single weekend). That's when the hysteria kicked in, full force. My car still turned on, but I was stuck in that ditch and going nowhere, fast. D decides she is going to try and push my car out of that ditch.. and I'm not going to lie.. she is one girl that I don't ever want to piss off as long as I live. She pushed my car out of the ditch all on her own! We continued ripping pieces of my broken bumper off of my car, while waiting for my sister-in-law to realize that we were no longer behind her so she could turn around and come back and get us. My car drove the rest of the way to the house. (Thank You, God!).
Hysteria was eventually replaced by rage. Sometimes I feel like everything bad happens to me and nothing ever happens to anyone else. On top of that, I had myself convinced that Tony was going to be so angry at me and would probably want to divorce me after I tell him about it. But I was wrong about that. His main concern was me. He immediately asked if I was okay and I told him I was and then I explained to him how everything happened. He told me that would get my car taken care of. He is the best hubby in the world!
Confinement set in on Monday while I was at work. I was actually in a good mood when I got there. Tony and I had been married for 2 months exactly and I got to talk to him as well. So that's enough to put any army wife in a great mood. The individual who ruined it for me was my manager. As she's walking through the department she saw me and asked if she could talk to me. The first thing that went through my head was "Oh, great.. how did I violate the dress code this time?!" But I was way off. I wanted to fall on the floor when I heard the words "Are you okay" come out of her mouth. I honestly could not believe she was asking me that. I wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to hear.. so I told her that I was fine. Then she made mention that I have been "teary" lately and people are "concerned" about me. I reminded her that my husband is in Iraq... in a warzone... where people want to kill him. I figured I wouldn't need to say anything more after that, but to my surprise she says "Yeah?" As if that's not a reason for me to be so upset. Is it really not okay for me to miss my husband?? Then she tells me that people are noticing that I spend a lot of time on the phone. These people that I work with are all sooooo concerned about me, but I get to talk to the one person who I miss more than anything, that's all of a sudden a problem. It's not okay for me to cry at work, but when the only person who can make me smile, calls me from a warzone, it's wrong of me to answer and talk to him. I don't get it. What bothered me most is when my manager suggested counseling. To be honest with you, I wanted to lay her out. I told her I didn't want counseling, it never helps anyone. All you do is pour your heart and soul out to those people while they sit there nodding their head acting like they understand exactly where you're coming from. No one understands unless they are going through it. And the second you cry in front of those people, you are classified as mentally unstable and they push a truck load of pills on you that end up making you feel even more depressed than you were before you talked to them. I can't talk to my family about anything, my friends don't understand, and to top it all off there really isn't anything I can say to people at work without them being "concerned" about me (in the real world we call that being nosy and wanting something to gossip about.. I may be young, but I'm not stupid.). I don't think I have ever felt this alone before.
I have hit rock bottom in this deployment, but I am not willing to give up. I made a commitment and most of all I made a promise. I'm not giving up. Not now, and not ever. I have something worth holding onto, and that's what I am going to do. Things can only go up from here. I hope.
posted by Stacie @ 5:19 AM
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