Tomorrow marks the first day of September. At the begining of this deployment, I thought that this day was nonexistant. That after Tony left I would never see him again. And now we're less than two weeks away from him being stateside again. I never thought that I'd be able to say this, but... it's been a long year. It's been a long year full of loneliness. It's scary to say, but I am so used to being alone now. I am constantly wondering what things are going to be like when he gets home. Will things be different? Will we pick up where we left off?
I know when Tony will be stateside, but I have no clue when he will be back in my arms, and because of that... I'm not all that excited. I know that's an awful thing to say, but I am just not getting my hopes up. I know better than to do that. I know that the Army is full of what-ifs and never ending changing dates. Please don't get me wrong though, I want nothing more than for my husband to come home. I want nothing more than to finally begin my married life with him. I've been waiting, patiently, for so long already that I can't seem to help but roll my eyes at another couple of weeks. It should be a cake walk.

I am greatly disappointed that the show Army Wives has ended. It has helped me pass the time during the last couple of months. It helped me look forward to Sundays. And Sundays are the begining of a new week. It helped in a number of ways. I didn't think I was going to like the show at first, but I got into it. I'm not going to lie. As stupid as the show was, I could relate. Especially in the season finale when Trevor left Roxy. I cried like a little baby! I remember all those heart wrenching times that I had to let go of Tony. How much strength it required at that moment, and how much devotion was needed, after he walked away, to keep our marriage going. My husband has mentioned to me a couple of times that he often wonders how I do it. How I manage to stay so strong. And the honest truth is that I don't know how I do it. As a matter of fact, alot of people have asked me how I do it. I never quite knew how to respond to that until I was able to sit alone and think about it. My answer is 'Love.' I love my husband and I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep us going. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I won't ever give up on him. If I had any doubts at all, I would've had them a long time ago. Not a couple weeks away from being reunited with him. A couple weeks is nothing compared to the 400+ days we had when we started this darn deployment. Our love gives me all the strength in the world. These last 10+ days will be nothing. Bring on September!

I'm at it again. Working an insane amount of hours. Over the next few weeks, I think I just might drop dead. I've been here (in the ER) all weekend and this coming week I will be putting in a good 52 hours atleast. Wednesday is my last class of Intro To Crazy People (as I like to call it). I have not studied for my final at all. I was going to work on my study guide tomorrow but I am an idiot and picked up 11a-3p. And of course I will end up sleeping in. Who wants to wake up at the crack butt of dawn if you don't have to be at work. So that means I am going to have to go to school directly after work and finish my study guide. I know if I work on it at home I will surely be distracted by everything else around me. Next week I am working a whopping 68 hours. Bleh. Six 12 hour shifts in a row!! I feel faint just thinking about it right now. And just when I'll think it's over.. I'll be working another 52 hours the week after. Can someone please tell me what the heck is wrong with me!?? Why do I keep doing this to myself?? I've realized that it can't be to pass the time quicker, because I'd rather be home sleeping the days away. That's when time flies. And we're so short staffed for Techs that the majority of my shifts I'll be working completely alone!! Aaarggghh!!! But I know that as long as I can get through these next couple of weeks, Tony will be coming home!!! We're only 15+ days away!! I'm unstoppable! I know it!! ...Or atleast I hope I am! :/

I am angry. Not at my husband and not at my family. Not at my co-workers... but at a patient we had yesterday. The situation is somewhat devastating. More so for the family than anyone else, although, I am sure they are feeling atleast a little angry at their son. To better explain the situation, we had a 14 year old boy who hung himself. Gasp!.. I know. I will not say his name out of respect and privacy for the family.. and him as well, but we'll just call him C.

The story we got from SFD (and I know it probably is not 100% accurate) was that C had an argument with his parents Monday night and then went to a concert. His mother woke up the next morning and found him sound asleep in bed. When she returned from work, she found her son hanging in the basement. Somehow, she managed to keep her head on straight and acted quickly... cutting her son down and starting CPR. This family lives just a few streets away from me. Thankfully, I do not know the boy since he is only 14 and I am older than he is. It's hard to believe that someone so young can take their own life like that, and to make it worse, he left a note.. or a "will" as he labeled it. I read it but I am not going to share what it said. I will just tell you that he was very angry with his parents. And that's what kills me inside.

Our trauma coordinators are going to have a debriefing here at the hospital tomorrow, but I am not sure if I am going to attend. The fact that I did chest compressions on this 14 year old boy, who was already dead when he arrived, did not traumatize me. It's what the family must go through now. My heart goes out to those parents who must now live the rest of their lives knowing that their son chose to take his own life because of them. They will never have a chance to say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you' ever again. I'm just so furious with this child. How can someone be so selfish like that!?? To think of yourself and only the pain that you are feeling, and about how everyone else will feel when you end your own life because of them.

I keep replaying it in my head, us trying to bring this kid back (although in our heads we all knew the seriousness and the reality of the situation).. and his poor mother sitting in the trauma room watching us. (Which was her request. We would never force anyone to be in the room and watch something so traumatic.) I can't even imagine what she is going through. I've almost become numb when it comes to death and maybe that's why it's not the death of this boy that has me shaken up. Or maybe if the situation had been different, such as he was hit by a car or something of the sort, I may not be so cold about what happened.

After our ER doctor pronounced C dead, we left the room and let the mother grieve and be with her son. While the staff gathered around the desk to gossip about what had just occured I couldn't help but over hear one of the other techs asking someone else, "What could possibly be that bad at 14 years old where you have to end your own life?" I couldn't help but speak up. Many of my co-workers are in their late 20's and older, and I am only 22. I am much closer to 14 than most of them. I remember what that age was like for me. This is still my generation. The drugs, the violence, the... suicide. I know that all this existed when my parents, and their parents were growing up, but I always hear about how when they were kids, things weren't nearly as bad as they are today. I remember being in 8th grade. I was so awful to my parents. I was always right. They were always wrong. When my "boyfriend" broke up with me it was the "end of the world." I ran away from home. I thought the world was out to get me. There were days when my parents actually wondered if they'd wake up and find me dead one day. Life IS that bad at 14! You think it's never going to get better! You think that no one understands! You feel like you're never going to make it through another day. I want to live. I want to die. I want to live. I want to die. I vividly remember those thoughts. It was a constant battle with myself. I was on the wrong path and eventually I realized that. I realized that after everything I had been through.. the emotional and mental agony... I was okay. I became a firm believer in the saying "What does not kill you will only make you stronger" and I live by that everyday now. I just wish that C could've realized that before he went and did this to his parents. My heart truly aches for that family right now. Damn. My condolences.

I'm at work right now and have time for probably only a quick update. I wish I had the time to post as frequently as I did at the begining of this deployment, but now that I am full time here in the ER and going back to school, making time to blog just seems impossible.

I can't remember if I mentioned it in an earlier post, but my sister came home last Friday. I barely got to see her since she spent most of the time with her boyfriend. Which, of course, is understandable. I took them out to lunch on Saturday. We had a good time filling eachother in with all our funny stories from work. Poor Eric barely got to speak two words. But he realized a long time ago that when my sister and I get together (and we aren't fighting) we never shut up! I guess we are your typical females. Full of hot air. Or maybe we just feel the need to live up to the reputation that females, somehow, acquired years ago. Anyways, just as quickly as the time came for her to come home, the time came for her to go back to Maine. And again, I was left with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. As I stood there watching her leave, I began wondering to myself, again, how I was going to pass the time without her. It seems that since she first left, even for boot camp, I have become a lot closer with my younger brother. We don't hang out, but I talk to him in a civilized manner instead of fighting with him. And every now and again I offer to pick him up from work instead of my parents having to do it. However, my brother will be moving out of the house towards the end of this month. He's going to be living at a college, where he will be studying creative writing. I'm proud of him, yet angry at the same time because everyone is leaving me! Sometimes I wonder what I must have done wrong to cause all the people in my life to abandon me, but deep down I know it's not me. I know that everyone who has left, is doing something to better their life. I am proud of each and every one of them. With 30+ days until Tony comes home, I am desperate for things to do to help me pass the time! School has been overwhelming me and it's mainly my fault. I have put my research paper off until the last minute. It's due Monday and I don't even have the whole thing typed up yet!! Instead of focusing on my school work, I've been hanging out with CL a lot. I have discovered that the time passes much faster when you're really having fun. And the time has passed so quickly that now my paper is due and I haven't finished it. I'm just about ready to panic. Tony tells me all the time I can do it. Just like he told me I'd do just fine on my midterm, and I aced it. I suppose I should listen to him more than I listen to anyone else. It feels as if he's the only person that has any faith in me at all. It's amazing how much he believes in me, but at the same time it truly scares me. I am so afraid to fail now. I am so afraid of letting him down one of these days. I could disappoint every single person on the face of the Earth and still be content, but the day that I disappoint my husband... I don't even know what I'd do with myself. And to be honest, I really don't ever want to find out either. Sigh.