I am angry. Not at my husband and not at my family. Not at my co-workers... but at a patient we had yesterday. The situation is somewhat devastating. More so for the family than anyone else, although, I am sure they are feeling atleast a little angry at their son. To better explain the situation, we had a 14 year old boy who hung himself. Gasp!.. I know. I will not say his name out of respect and privacy for the family.. and him as well, but we'll just call him C.
The story we got from SFD (and I know it probably is not 100% accurate) was that C had an argument with his parents Monday night and then went to a concert. His mother woke up the next morning and found him sound asleep in bed. When she returned from work, she found her son hanging in the basement. Somehow, she managed to keep her head on straight and acted quickly... cutting her son down and starting CPR. This family lives just a few streets away from me. Thankfully, I do not know the boy since he is only 14 and I am older than he is. It's hard to believe that someone so young can take their own life like that, and to make it worse, he left a note.. or a "will" as he labeled it. I read it but I am not going to share what it said. I will just tell you that he was very angry with his parents. And that's what kills me inside.
Our trauma coordinators are going to have a debriefing here at the hospital tomorrow, but I am not sure if I am going to attend. The fact that I did chest compressions on this 14 year old boy, who was already dead when he arrived, did not traumatize me. It's what the family must go through now. My heart goes out to those parents who must now live the rest of their lives knowing that their son chose to take his own life because of them. They will never have a chance to say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you' ever again. I'm just so furious with this child. How can someone be so selfish like that!?? To think of yourself and only the pain that you are feeling, and about how everyone else will feel when you end your own life because of them.
I keep replaying it in my head, us trying to bring this kid back (although in our heads we all knew the seriousness and the reality of the situation).. and his poor mother sitting in the trauma room watching us. (Which was her request. We would never force anyone to be in the room and watch something so traumatic.) I can't even imagine what she is going through. I've almost become numb when it comes to death and maybe that's why it's not the death of this boy that has me shaken up. Or maybe if the situation had been different, such as he was hit by a car or something of the sort, I may not be so cold about what happened.
After our ER doctor pronounced C dead, we left the room and let the mother grieve and be with her son. While the staff gathered around the desk to gossip about what had just occured I couldn't help but over hear one of the other techs asking someone else, "What could possibly be that bad at 14 years old where you have to end your own life?" I couldn't help but speak up. Many of my co-workers are in their late 20's and older, and I am only 22. I am much closer to 14 than most of them. I remember what that age was like for me. This is still my generation. The drugs, the violence, the... suicide. I know that all this existed when my parents, and their parents were growing up, but I always hear about how when they were kids, things weren't nearly as bad as they are today. I remember being in 8th grade. I was so awful to my parents. I was always right. They were always wrong. When my "boyfriend" broke up with me it was the "end of the world." I ran away from home. I thought the world was out to get me. There were days when my parents actually wondered if they'd wake up and find me dead one day. Life IS that bad at 14! You think it's never going to get better! You think that no one understands! You feel like you're never going to make it through another day. I want to live. I want to die. I want to live. I want to die. I vividly remember those thoughts. It was a constant battle with myself. I was on the wrong path and eventually I realized that. I realized that after everything I had been through.. the emotional and mental agony... I was okay. I became a firm believer in the saying "What does not kill you will only make you stronger" and I live by that everyday now. I just wish that C could've realized that before he went and did this to his parents. My heart truly aches for that family right now. Damn. My condolences.
The story we got from SFD (and I know it probably is not 100% accurate) was that C had an argument with his parents Monday night and then went to a concert. His mother woke up the next morning and found him sound asleep in bed. When she returned from work, she found her son hanging in the basement. Somehow, she managed to keep her head on straight and acted quickly... cutting her son down and starting CPR. This family lives just a few streets away from me. Thankfully, I do not know the boy since he is only 14 and I am older than he is. It's hard to believe that someone so young can take their own life like that, and to make it worse, he left a note.. or a "will" as he labeled it. I read it but I am not going to share what it said. I will just tell you that he was very angry with his parents. And that's what kills me inside.
Our trauma coordinators are going to have a debriefing here at the hospital tomorrow, but I am not sure if I am going to attend. The fact that I did chest compressions on this 14 year old boy, who was already dead when he arrived, did not traumatize me. It's what the family must go through now. My heart goes out to those parents who must now live the rest of their lives knowing that their son chose to take his own life because of them. They will never have a chance to say 'I'm sorry' or 'I love you' ever again. I'm just so furious with this child. How can someone be so selfish like that!?? To think of yourself and only the pain that you are feeling, and about how everyone else will feel when you end your own life because of them.
I keep replaying it in my head, us trying to bring this kid back (although in our heads we all knew the seriousness and the reality of the situation).. and his poor mother sitting in the trauma room watching us. (Which was her request. We would never force anyone to be in the room and watch something so traumatic.) I can't even imagine what she is going through. I've almost become numb when it comes to death and maybe that's why it's not the death of this boy that has me shaken up. Or maybe if the situation had been different, such as he was hit by a car or something of the sort, I may not be so cold about what happened.
After our ER doctor pronounced C dead, we left the room and let the mother grieve and be with her son. While the staff gathered around the desk to gossip about what had just occured I couldn't help but over hear one of the other techs asking someone else, "What could possibly be that bad at 14 years old where you have to end your own life?" I couldn't help but speak up. Many of my co-workers are in their late 20's and older, and I am only 22. I am much closer to 14 than most of them. I remember what that age was like for me. This is still my generation. The drugs, the violence, the... suicide. I know that all this existed when my parents, and their parents were growing up, but I always hear about how when they were kids, things weren't nearly as bad as they are today. I remember being in 8th grade. I was so awful to my parents. I was always right. They were always wrong. When my "boyfriend" broke up with me it was the "end of the world." I ran away from home. I thought the world was out to get me. There were days when my parents actually wondered if they'd wake up and find me dead one day. Life IS that bad at 14! You think it's never going to get better! You think that no one understands! You feel like you're never going to make it through another day. I want to live. I want to die. I want to live. I want to die. I vividly remember those thoughts. It was a constant battle with myself. I was on the wrong path and eventually I realized that. I realized that after everything I had been through.. the emotional and mental agony... I was okay. I became a firm believer in the saying "What does not kill you will only make you stronger" and I live by that everyday now. I just wish that C could've realized that before he went and did this to his parents. My heart truly aches for that family right now. Damn. My condolences.
posted by Stacie @ 9:38 AM
2 Comments:
At 9:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oh honey, I am so sorry about what has happened! I can totally relate to what you are talking about. I would like to share with you what happened in our family..................
My cousin, his name was Tony, he wasa sophmore in High School. He worked at Wal-Mart and had TONS of friends. BUT, his parents were going thru a nasty dicorce and he was VERY angry with his mother b/c she had met a man on the internet and ran off to England with this guy. His dad was always on his back about his grades, telling him that they were not good enough and that he was nt trying hard enough.
On a Friday morning, Tony got up and went to school, everything seemed normal. He had to take a test in one of his classes that day.........he got a "D" on the test and the teacher who had given him the test, put the " D " on his paper in BIG BOLD RED MARKER and CIRCLED it at the top of his paper. He finished the day at school and drove home.
He went to Wal-Mart that night, that's where he worked. but he went to shop this night. He purchased a garden hose and duct tape. Many of his friends saw him there and they stopped to talk and everything seemed to be normal.
He drove his truck down to the city park which is right by the river. He took the garden hose and put one end of it into his tail pipe and wrapped it with duct tape, then he put the other end into his truck window and taped up all the openings in the truck. Then he started the truck and got inside of it!
The wierd part is, it was around 10:00 pm when he did this. There is a sign in the park that CLEARLY states that the park closes at 10 and that the police do a " drive-thru " inspection of the park each night. Did he want to be found before it was too late????? He also left his headlights on, all of this make me feel like he WANTED to be found, he wanted someone to help him but he just couldn't help himself.
That night, the police were late doing their " drive-thru " My husband was with his friend that night. His friend happened to be a lock-smith. They recieved a phone call that said they needed to come down to the park to un-lock a truck. They had NO idea what they were about to see.
They un-locked Tony's door and Tony's life-less body fell out of the truck onto my husband and his friend. At my husbands horror, he realized that this was my cousin!
There were 3 things in Tonys lap that night. 1. the reciept from Wal-Mart where he had bought the supplies to commit suiced......2. A letter stating how ANGRY he was with his parents, with his mom for running away from his dad to be with another man and at his dad for being so hard on him and not understanding him..............3. That test with the big red " D " on it.
It saddens me that he felt as if he had no one he could talk to and it even saddens me more that he has been dead for nearly 8 years now and still to this day, has NO tombstone!
At 12:39 PM,
Andrea said…
I just wanted to share that this post hit home. I had a boyfriend that hung himself & it was all because his mother didn't love him. Honestly.. she told him that she didn't love him. He tried so hard to get her approval over & over.
What's sad.. he was 19 yrs old.
For the longest time this bothered me. Not because he was my boyfriend, not because of death (my uncle was a medical examiner so death was a talked about subject around my house) but because of WHY he did it.
I begged my uncle to give me details.. I had to know for myself to have peace. Sounds sick to some but it helped. I also found out how much he loved me threw the letter he left behind.
And what also helped was when I went to the funeral, (I couldn't bare to go to the casket. I was scared, angry, shocked.. I didn't understand.) his dad pulled me aside & talked to me. He talked to me about my boyfriends upbringing & his relationship with his mother.
His dad held me hand & walked to the casket with me.. it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I still don't completely understand to this day, 17 yrs later.
I'm sorry this is such a book, but like I said.. it really hit home.
C & his family will be in my thoughts & prayers.
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