Apparently my best friend, D, is no longer my best friend anymore. I know this because she deleted me as a friend on myspace. I know... myspace... it's just a stupid website that should mean absolutely nothing and it's silly if me to upset over such a thing. If you only knew the bond that her and I shared before she left, you'd understand. It started out with me not being in her top friends. Again, it's silly. I'm well aware of it, but it still hurts. I hoped that over time she'd understand how and why I need time to myself. I was okay knowing that I still had her to fall back on if things got really really difficult. But I'm stuck with absolutely no support system. At this point, I doubt things will ever be the same between her and I. However, I will continue to hope that our friendship doesn't remain like this forever.

Aside from that, I have continued with my hectic... work my butt off to help save lives in the ER, cram my brain full of useless nutrition facts (that will never use again for as long as I live) by going to school, and keeping the faith while trying my hardest to stay strong and hold down the home front as an Army Wife ...schedule. However, I was lucky enough to get a break from some of the extra stress in my life, a couple weeks ago. My family spent a few days in NJ to attend my sister's boot camp graduation for the Coast Guard. It was nice to finally have time for me, but at the same time it was too quiet! I realized exactly how lonely I would've been, throughout this deployment, if I had my own place and didn't stay with my family. They drive me crazy, there's no doubt about that, but I truly do appreciate them. Whether they realize that or not is a different story. I suppose that's my fault, though, for not showing or telling them more often than I do.
I haven't been able to spend too much time with my sister over the last week and a half. She's leaving Thursday, so we have decided to spend all day at the beach tomorrow.

I've also been working on my sleeve as well. I have some all the leaves on the upper half colored in and on Friday I got more of the outline done on my forearm. I can't wait til the whole thing is done!! Atleast I have that to keep me busy. Heh.

The hubby is online right now, so this is going to end right here! Sorry!

My little brother (who isn't so little, anymore, considering the fact that he weighs more than me and is taller than me now.. so I guess I'll just say my "younger" brother) finally graduated high school last night. Luckily I was able to attend and didn't have to work second shift. My brother asked me earlier this week if I was going to be at his graduation and when I told him that I'd be there, he seemed somewhat excited for a moment or two.


The graduation began with the JROTC presenting the nation's colors and the school chorus sang the National Anthem. I stood there proudly with my hand over my heart and my husband's face embedded in my mind. Half way through the National Anthem I began to look around me at everyone else. I noticed a rather large number of people who obviously felt that because they are a blood redded American, they did not have to place their hand over their heart or take a moment of silence... continuing to chit chat amongst themselves. I found this be disrespectful. However, I found it to be even more disrespectful that people couldn't take two seconds to remove their hats for the National Anthem. Maybe the reason I find this to be so irritating is because I am a soldier's wife. Our country's colors mean so much more to me now. Everytime I see our flag I am completely overcome with pride knowing how lucky I am to be married to an American Hero. Someone who is willing to put his life on the line to make sure that I am safe and can sleep peacefully at night.


All went well during the graduation, the end of it was a different story. My family and I decided to go out to dinner to celebrate. I had taken my own car, so I ended up running ahead of my parents and my brother because I was really cold. As I made my way to the parking lot I saw an ambulance from SFD. Working in the ER, I know pretty much all the EMTs from SFD. I figured that someone slipped and busted their ankle.. I figured it wasn't anything serious, but I was wrong. I began walking by the ambulance to say hi to the guys and that's when I noticed how serious the situation was. There was an older man lying on the ground with his shirt off. The EMTs were really hustling to get the patient hooked up to their 12 lead EKG machine. They finally got him on a back board, onto the stretcher and wheeled him over to the ambulance. The patient's color wasn't looking all that great and the guys were bagging him with an AMBU (pretty much a replacement for mouth to mouth). I made my way over to my car and began making my way out of the high school. As I was sitting at a red light, a paramedic truck was making its way towards the high school. That's when I knew the guy was in rough shape. For those who don't know, paramedics are the ones who intubate people, not the EMTs. After my family and I finished eating I called the ER to see how the guy was (SFD always brings their patients to my hospital). The secretary told me that the guy did come in from the ambulance in cardiac arrest and they did what they could, however, they were unable to save him. My heart sank, and I had a small flash back to when I was standing in the parking lot watching the EMTs work on the gentleman. I remembered seeing a girl, wearing a cap and gown, standing there freaking out and asking where they were going to take him. This man must have gone there to watch his grand daughter graduate. My heart goes out to that girl, as I am sure she is some what blaming herself. I'm sure she was thinking if she didn't graduate on that specific day maybe it wouldn't have happened. Or if she didn't invite him to go and watch her graduate, maybe then it wouldn't have happened. Or maybe if he was home, the ambulance would've gotten to him sooner because they wouldn't have had to fight through traffic.


We have all been there before. We lose someone that we love and we tend to blame ourselves or someone else. We all sit there and contemplate what we could've done to prevent the situation from happening. To be honest, I feel guilty about the situation. When someone falls and bumps their head or breaks their ankle, everyone seems to rush over and try to help. When someone is not breathing, people seem to freak out and step back because they aren't sure what to do. I feel that if I had been walking through the parking lot when it first happened, before the ambulance got there, I would've been able to do something sooner. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but it's something I have struggled with for a long time and I can't help it. I suppose all I can do at this point is just pray that the family (of the man who passed away) can find the strength to get through this difficult time that life has thrown at them. My condolences.



Switching the subject to something not so depressing.. I am missing a lot of action up north at Tony's parents' place. His father sent me an IM the other morning (which I wasn't able to respond to because I was still sleeping). They had a bear attempt to get into their porch, and ended up ripping the screen out of a window during the whole process. And they also had a moose wander through their yard. It's pretty common there since they live in the north country. Tony's father wants me to go up there visit in the worst way, but with work and school it's just not possible lately. In fact, last week I only worked 40 hours. I thought I was going to have a panic attack! I began frantically flipping through the daily staffing sheets trying to find holes that needed to be filled in. I am so used to putting in over 50 hours every week lately! Right now, 40 hours is just unacceptable for me! What the heck am I supposed to do with my free time!?!?

I know that I already posted once today, and lately, a double post from me is highly unusual. However, I have this uncontrollable desire to share something with you all. It's going to be a tad longer than my most recent posts, but I promise... it's worth the read!

Sometimes I have to really bite my tongue when it comes to talking about my job. Once you get me started on it, there's no stopping. I go off on a crazy rampage about all the stupid stuff that we see in the ER, and quite a few people seem to get this twisted misconception that I am some "bad ass chick who doesn't care about anyone and will never have enough compassion to work in the medical field." So, I'd like to take a moment and inform you that this is indeed... false! I am a very caring and compassionate person. I am definately one to wear my heart on my sleeve. People just need to realize how different things are in the ER. I've never known exactly how to explain it until a few days ago when I noticed an e-mail hanging up on the wall of our break room. It was 2 1/2 pages long, but I am so glad I took the time to read it. I'm not sure who came up with it. All I know is that it was written by a nurse who works in an ER. I am going to share this article. If you work in the medical field, you will agree with it. And if you're not a nurse... and have never been to an ER before.. just remember this for future reference. But if you don't have a sense of humor or are easily offended, I suggest you don't read any further into this post.




Before you come to the ER...

At any given time, one nurse has four patients. There is a law (similar to Murphy's) in the ER, one of these patients will be truly sick, one will be whining constantly, one will be homeless, and the last will be delightful. Please don't be the whiner.

Understand that your definition of sick is not necessarily the ER's definition of sick. If the ED staff says that someone is sick, it means that they are in the process of dying; be that a massive stroke, heart attack, hemorrhage, or wound. A toothache is not sick. Painful, but not sick.

The waiting room does not operate on a first come, first serve basis. The little old lady that looked okay to you probably went in first because she was having a massive heart attack. I don't know what's coming through the door 30 seconds from now, so I don't know when you will see a doctor for your hangnail. Telling me that you have a hair appointment at 2:00 doesn't mean you'll make it in any sooner. It does not help to call ahead for the wait time or reservation. If you are well enough to complain about the wait, you are well enough to go home. Do not call 911 from the waiting room. If you come to the ER by ambulance for a splinter in your foot, you will be directed to the waiting room. Now is the time to start working on your ride home.

The ER is not for primary care. If you have any of these three, go to your own doctor in the morning: a cold, the flu, or a stomach virus. Call your doctor for a refill before you run out of medicine. The ER is not for well-child checkups. Just because one has a fever doesn't mean all six kids should be evaluated. And please give your child Tylenol before bringing him in, don't let the fever remain high just so I believe he has one. When I ask your child to rate his pain, don't point to the 10 and say "you feel like this one, don't you honey?" Don't ask me to dispense Tylenol to you at discharge, it's illegal. No, I don't know how you are going to pay for it on your own. One suggestion is to forgo the 2 inch acrylic nails and hair extensions, then you might afford some Tylenol for your childs fever.

Don't be dramatic. We usually know within minutes if your complaint is legit. We know how many times you have been to the ER and why. Do not lie to us about your recreational activities such as; smoking, drinking, and illicit drug use. I am not the police, I'm only asking in case my chart gets audited. Don't tell me you have only had "two beers" as the police are dragging your butt in from an MVC. Please keep your story consistant, don't change up the details with the triage RN to primary RN to MD.

Please make an effort to know your history and medications. Don't utter the words "it should be in my record." I cannot identify which pills you take even if you describe the size and color. Don't get upset if I ask for your allergies everytime I give you a medicine, but try to be more specific than "some antibiotic." And just because your stomach gets a little upset when you take Asprin does not mean you are allergic to it. If you are here tonight because you seized after not taking your Dilantin, don't whine to me about how much the IV Dilantin burns. Either take your meds or tell your family not to call 911.

Don't come in for nausea and vomiting and then refuse IV placement, because we cannot help you. Please do not tell me how many attempts at your IV I can have. I will not deliberately miss the first time as I do not get paid extra for every IV I start. I am not going to call anesthesia or IV team before I look at your arms. I am not going to use numbing medication first. I can't always use a butterfly needle. And for God's sake I am not letting you start your own IV even though you know where the really good veins are. If you complain about the number of attempts, you best be sure we are taping the **** out of your arm to prevent it from being pulled out.

Do not ask me "are you going to keep me?" as I walk you back from the waiting room. I do not have X-ray vision, I cannot analyze your blood through your body, and I cannot read the doctor's mind. If you come in with abdominal pain, nausea, or vomiting, I am not giving you anything to eat or drink until all your tests and scans return normal. I know that you haven't had anything to eat all day long, but if your girlfriend brings you a Big Mac, I will have no sympathy when you start to vomit again. Please aim for the trashcan or emesis basin, not the floor or my shoes. And I cannot give your girlfriend Tylenol for her headache, nor can I give her a work excuse because she was here with you all night.

If you interrupt my introduction with a request for a warm blanket, something to eat and drink, and the bedpan, you automatically move to the bottom of my priority list. Don't send your grandma in with a robe, full dress, and pantyhose on and wonder why we aren't able to get her undressed before she pees all over herself. If you see someone pushing a big red cart down the hallway at full speed and you hear bells going off, do not step out of your room to ask for coffee or pain meds or the bedpan. No, I will not give you a portable oxygen tank so you can go outside to smoke. Beware, if you are outside smoking when the doctor comes in, you may come back to find yourself discharged, you'll have to sign in all over again. But don't leave with your IV in, we will send the police to bring you back to have it removed. Don't threaten me that you are going to leave AMA if you don't get XYZ, because the paperwork is much faster to prepare than a regular discharge.

If you plan on committing suicide, learn how to do it right the first time. And don't call 911. Don't play possum, I can get very personal with a foley catheter really quick. If you can breathe well enough to scream "I can't breathe!" you are breathing juust fiine. If you complain that the blood pressure cuff is too tight or the IV needle is hurting, then you are not in that much pain. The fact that you are lying in bed moaning does not lead me to believe you are more sick. It is my experience that there is an inverse relationship to the loudness of the vomiting and seriousness of the illness. Your migraine complaint loses all validity when you are sitting up with the light on watching TV, eating, and laughing with your friends on the cell phone. Don't rate your pain 10/10 when you were sleeping or can barely stay awake. If you are already on Vicodan, Lortab, and Oxycontin and that isn't controlling your pain, there's nothing else we can do for you, go to the pain clinic. And if you are allergic to Toradol, Demerol, and Morphine, don't bother to tell me that Dilado?... Dilalla?.. is the only thing that works for you. If you know what pain meds to ask for, then you know too much.

Don't call your relatives on the phone to tell them we are mistreating you for not completely controlling your pain and have them call us and threaten us with the old "I know someone!" line. If you tell us that you have sued this hospital once before and you think it is a bad hospital, you can bet we will chart every word verbatim. Standing and glaring at the door of the exam room only makes us move slower. For every cross-armed, squinty-eyed, throat-clearing, and heavy exhalation, there will be another 5 minutes tacked on. If you bring your children into the ER with you, pack a bag of diapers and formula. And it is not cute to see them crawling around on the floor, do you want to know what fell there 30 minutes ago?

Please do not complain about being pulled into a hallway stretcher, you are probably not dying. And if you are dying, I will be able to see when it happens and get the accurate TOD. I have no idea when your bed upstairs is going to be ready, but believe me, as soon as it is, you are going to be on your way up.

My humble suggestions for patient satisfaction...
A vending machine just outside the hospital doors. Patient slides insurance card or just hits a button that says "yeah right, I'm not paying," and then makes a selection.
Press one for narcotic of choice: a-Percocet b-Dilaudid c-Demerol d-Fentanyl e-Xanax
Press two for work excuse
Press three for pregnancy test
Press four for antibiotic
Press five for personal baby sitter/granny sitter
Press six and speak into machine for somebody to listen to you whine
Press seven for warm blanket and turkey sandwich
Press eight for med refills

I have finally gotten sick. I say "finally" not because I wanted to get sick, I just knew it was going to happen. Thanks to lack of sleep, working too much, and having too little time for myself.. I will have this dang head cold for the next two weeks. Any less than that and I will surely be surprised.

Also, I feel like we're getting nowhere with this deployment. Summer has arrived and the days feel so much longer. The sun seems to take an eternity to set. I know the light is shining bright at the end of the tunnel... but that darn sun would set then maybe I'd be able to see that everyday! I know it's just a short time (about 10+ days) until we hit the double digits, but that short time is going to feel like a decade.

I rarely talk to D anymore. I feel bad about the situation, and I don't think she fully understands my reasoning behind limiting the amount of communication between the two of us. Like I have mentioned before.. I am green. The last thing I need is to be on the phone with her and hear her man in the background, reminding me of the void that still remains in my life. She is doing well out there, and I am happy for her. I know I have failed as a best friend for cutting ties with her, but I just feel as though I need to protect myself emotionally. I pray that D will eventually understand all of this. Whether I talk to her routinely or don't talk to her at all, it's killing me. I can't do anything right lately when it comes to my happiness. All work has done for me is stress me out even more, and on top of it all.. I'm sick again. Not to mention my diet isn't the greatest. I never sit down and eat a real meal. In fact, when I am here at work, I rarely eat all. It sometimes takes me a whole twelve hour shift to eat even a bagel.

And speaking of work, I should probably post this and get back to work... considering the ambulance phone just rang. "Fun times."