Tony's Army Wife - surviving my first deployment

Sunday, February 18, 2007

While my husband is over in Iraq fighting in a war that is legit, the war here at home continues. I can't seem to get along with anyone. My sister is constantly being praised for joining the Coast Guard, however, when I wanted to join the Air Force or the Navy, I was constantly being told to re-think my decision, I needed to realize what I was getting myself into, and that I shouldn't do it. And now that I haven't done it and I am going back to school in March, I am all of a sudden "doing nothing" with my life, or so my mother says. The only shoulder I really have to cry on is D's. She finally got her plane ticket. She's leaving me on March 4th. I understand her reasons and I am so very proud and happy for her, yet she came seem to pull herself together. She is always telling me how upset she is that she is leaving me. I told her last night that a true best friend understands why another best friend has to do what she has to do. I'm going to be okay. I know I will.
Tony comes home in 20+ days for his RR. I'm really excited about it and I am constantly thinking about all the fun we are going to have. But at the end of the days when I'm laying my head down to sleep, I start thinking about how painful it is going to be to let go of him one more time. It kills me to have to do that. I know that I should be thinking about how nice it's going to be to see him again, but I can't help it. We both know that all the laughter and good times will come to an end and we will have to face the inevitable. He is going to have to be the bigger person again and pull away from me, and I am going to have to watch him walk away and not look back. I'll sit there and wait until his plane takes off, as much as it kills me to sit there and watch him REALLY leave me. But I know how much he hates to fly, so I just can't bring myself to leave him alone during take off.. even though I'm willing to bet that he doesn't even realize I sit there and watch his plane take off, but I love him, so I do. And then I'm going to bawl my eyes out the whole way walking to my car, and a handful of inconsiderate people are going to yell rude things out to me like "Get over it!" and "It can't be that bad!" I'll spend about 10-20 minutes sitting in my car trying to regain my composure, and then cautiously make my way home as I continue to sob and feel sorry for myself. I'll then spend the next two days in bed wanting to die and eventually get back to life's crappy routine and wait the next six months for my sweetheart to come home for good. Then I can get the heck out of my house and settle down into married life!!!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Right after I finished that last post, I checked my myspace and saw a bulletin about a new song by Brian McKnight featuring Rascal Flatts. I listened to the song and continued tonight's adventure of crying like a baby. Since I can't post the actual song on here (and if I can, I have no idea how to do it) here's the lyrics atleast:

Artist: Brian Mcknight Feat. Rascal Flatts
Song: Red, White, And Blue
Album: Ten

baby, tomorrow i'ma hafta fight
leaving at first light
and all i can think of is you
baby i can hear you tryin not to cry
i'm afraid and i ain't gonna lie
i gotta do what i've been trained to do
i'm a little tired, but i'm doin fine
i got my brothers back and he's watching mine
just keep praying that we'll all make it through
i fight for what's right and i fight for what is true
mostly i'm fighting to get back to you
we don't see black
we don't see white
we don't see what we hafta do
all we see is red, white, and blue
fighting for our red, white, and blue
baby, how's our little baby girl?
does she know her daddy's half way round the world?
tell her she is my heart
well...i've only seen her in a photograph
don't know whether to cry or laugh
while i'm out here in the dark
i get so damn tired but i'm doin fine
i got my brothers back and he's watchin mine
just keep prayin that we'll all make it through
i fight for what's right and i fight for what is true
mostly i'm fighting to get back to you
we don't see black
we don't see white
we don't see what we hafta do
all we see is red, white, and blue
fighting for our red, white, and blue
i don't know the reasons why
sometimes at night i sit and cry
it's hard for me to tell you what i'm goin through
what i'm goin through...
when all we have is this telephone
on the telephone...
don't know when i'll be comin home
i just need you to keep praying that i do
i fight for what's rightand i fight for what is true
mostly i'm fighting to get back to you
we don't see black
we don't see white
we don't see what we hafta do
all we see is red, white, and blue
all we see is red, white, and blue
fighting for our red, white, and blue
I intend on pulling an all nighter so that I am not late for the 7am-11am shift I picked up tomorrow. I know that if I fall asleep, I will never wake up on time. So what better thing to do, to keep myself busy, than make a new post. And while I'm at it, it's another month in the archive list! Making progress, slowly but surely. We are already 4 months deep and if time keeps passing at the rate that it has been, the rest of this deployment is going to be a breeze.
On Sunday, I decided to pick up 4 hours for one of my co-workers. I went in at 3pm and it was so busy I ended up staying until 11pm because they desperately needed the extra help. After working my tail off for eight hours straight, the last thing I wanted was to be pulled over on my way home. After I got out of work I called D, like I usually do. In Mass there's a law which states that you can't be talking on your cell phone while driving, or atleast that's what I have been told. So as I was driving and talking to D, blue lights began flashing behind me. I immediately told her I was being pulled over and that I'd call her back after. I really could not think anything I was doing wrong that would cause a cop to pull me over, other than talking on my cell phone, but it was dark out so how could he have seen what I was doing?! As I was digging for my license and registration, I looked up. To my surprise, the cop was right next to my car... still in his cruiser. I was really perplexed at that point. I noticed he had his window down, so as I rolled my window down, I asked him if I could help him. He responded with, "What's his name?" "Excuse me," seemed to be only thing I was able to spurt out in response to his question. There wasn't a single thing about the situation that I seemed to be able to figure out. He then informed me that was trying to read the back of my car and and he was wondering who he (my husband) was with. I politely told him my husband's last name and that he is with the Army. As the both of us continued to block traffic, he told me that the only reason he pulled me over was to say good luck. I thanked him, as my heart finally found it's way from my throat back into my chest. While still blocking traffic, he allowed me to pull out in front of him, and left me with the words "No problem at all." As I continued on my way home, I had to think hard about what had just happened, and if really did just happen. It took a while to sink in that someone else on the face of this Earth actually cares about the war that's taking place and those who are over there risking their lives and sacraficing everything they have, to fight for their country and all that they believe in.
On Monday, I worked. That was a bucket of joy. (Please sense the sarcasm again!) I should just rent a hospital room out and live there. I spend more of my time there than anywhere else. On Tuesday I applied to a new college and signed up for a class. I was told that new classes start in March. This became a problem for me since that is when Tony is due home for his RR. I told them I really didn't want to put off going to school any longer and explained my situation. One of the administrators is a Navy vet, so he was very quick to allow me to bring Tony to class with me. I feel bad having to drag him to school with me when he could be out visiting friends and what not. I even told him that's what he could do if he wanted, but he'd rather spend the time atttached to me, wether I am in class or not. He's so amazing. I really can't think of any other guy who would ever be willing to do that.
Tonight (Wednesday night), I worked until 11pm, and it was just awful. Everything was great until 7pm when a specific co-worker of mine showed up. I just can't stand working with him any longer. And to make it even worse, he works the same weekend as me, for 8 hours of my 12 hour shifts! He constantly calls out of work so that he can attend Red Sox and Patriots games, so I constantly end up working alone. He never gets in any trouble for it. He is forever MIA when he does show up to work. Or he's texting and e-mailing his girlfriend every 30 minutes. So, tonight about a half hour before he came in, we received a trauma. One of our newest techs showed up a little bit earlier so I immediately grabbed her and told her about the trauma because I knew she'd want the experience. Her and I completed everything that needed to be done for the patient, and as I began to help wheel the patient out of the room for his CT scan, that specific co-worker of mine was right there along side of me wheeling him as well. This angered me because that's the only time I ever really see him doing anything, is during a trauma or a code. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that the charge nurse asked him to go to CT with the patient instead of me. I was filled with the rage at the words that had just come out of his mouth. I immediately hunted down the charge nurse and asked him why my co-worker was going with the patient to CT. I was informed that they needed lifting help so that's why he sent him. I'm surprised the charge nurse didn't burst out into laughter with my response of, "What!? You think I'm not strong enough!?" I received the 'be serious about the situation' look from him. I bit my tongue and walked away, because I know for fact that I am strong. I am stronger than most people will ever be! I really enjoy working with this charge nurse, so I wasn't about to burn any bridges. I decided that if my specific co-worker wanted to play, then he could clean up the mess, in the room, that goes along with a truama. So as the night went on, Tony called me. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him for very long, as it was getting close for him to head to work. As I was on the phone with him, my specific co-worker grabbed his food and went to the break room to eat. About eight minutes into my conversation with Tony, the secretary asked me to take a patient upstairs because there was doctor up there waiting on the patient's arrival. Without even turning around to acknowledge her like she deserved, I told her I would do it in a second. She began paging all the techs to the desk because 3 patients needed to be transported. That's when my specific co-worker put me in tears. The secretary asked him to transport the patient I was supposed to. I head my name mentioned, and he looked around the corner to where I was standing while talking on the phone to Tony. That's when said "She's still on her cell phone talking." It wasn't what he said that cut me deep, it was how he said it. It was extremely disrespectful, considering what he does, or doesn't do, all shift long. I burst into tears and told Tony that my co-worker was bad mouthing me and that I wished so much that he could come home. It's nights like these when I want nothing more than to go home and curl up in his arms while he plays with my hair reassures me that everything will be okay. But I can't do that. Instead I have to talk to him for whole 13 minutes while everyone complains about me being on the phone, and then go home to an empty bed and pray that I'll atleast have a sweet dream about him.
I wish, so much, that I could make people understand what I am going through. I know that I chose to live this life, but I really can't picture living my life any other way. But I guess no matter how hard I try, no one will ever really understand until they personally experience it. People just, continuously, tell me to not walk around with such a long face. That I should smile. Be happy. I do smile, and I am happy, but only because what I have with my husband is something so amazing that a lot of people will never have and can only dream about. There's a really short poem that sums everything up in just a few lines. It's my favorite:

"Loving a soldier isn't
always what they say.
And loving him is a
high prive to pay.
It's mostly loving
with nothing to hold.
It's being young
yet feeling so old.
Remember he's thinking
of you everyday.
He's sad and lonely
from being away.
So love him, miss him,
and know he's saying,
'I just want to her...'
And always be proud
to love your soldier."
I wish that people would be just as touched as I am when they read that. I really feel bad for breaking down and crying while on the phone with Tony tonight. He has so much going on over there, not to mention trying to keep himself alive, he shouldn't have to deal my problems and me crying like a baby over what's going on at work. But he knows that it takes a lot to get me upset, and if I am crying over something, other than the mere fact that I miss him, someone must have really cut me deep. I know it hurts him to know that I am upset and there he can't be here to hold me. But somehow, even though he is thousands of miles away from me, he is always able to make me smile. He always knows exactly what to say. Just the sound of his voice and knowing that he is still alive is enough to make all my worries disappear. I can't wait til I can escape into arms for an entire two weeks while he's home for RR. The both us are in dire need of it. Some days feel endless, and every day that passes feels as if it's worse than the last, but I know that it's one day closer to feeling his warm embrace and seeing his sweet smile once again.