I intend on pulling an all nighter so that I am not late for the 7am-11am shift I picked up tomorrow. I know that if I fall asleep, I will never wake up on time. So what better thing to do, to keep myself busy, than make a new post. And while I'm at it, it's another month in the archive list! Making progress, slowly but surely. We are already 4 months deep and if time keeps passing at the rate that it has been, the rest of this deployment is going to be a breeze.
On Sunday, I decided to pick up 4 hours for one of my co-workers. I went in at 3pm and it was so busy I ended up staying until 11pm because they desperately needed the extra help. After working my tail off for eight hours straight, the last thing I wanted was to be pulled over on my way home. After I got out of work I called D, like I usually do. In Mass there's a law which states that you can't be talking on your cell phone while driving, or atleast that's what I have been told. So as I was driving and talking to D, blue lights began flashing behind me. I immediately told her I was being pulled over and that I'd call her back after. I really could not think anything I was doing wrong that would cause a cop to pull me over, other than talking on my cell phone, but it was dark out so how could he have seen what I was doing?! As I was digging for my license and registration, I looked up. To my surprise, the cop was right next to my car... still in his cruiser. I was really perplexed at that point. I noticed he had his window down, so as I rolled my window down, I asked him if I could help him. He responded with, "What's his name?" "Excuse me," seemed to be only thing I was able to spurt out in response to his question. There wasn't a single thing about the situation that I seemed to be able to figure out. He then informed me that was trying to read the back of my car and and he was wondering who he (my husband) was with. I politely told him my husband's last name and that he is with the Army. As the both of us continued to block traffic, he told me that the only reason he pulled me over was to say good luck. I thanked him, as my heart finally found it's way from my throat back into my chest. While still blocking traffic, he allowed me to pull out in front of him, and left me with the words "No problem at all." As I continued on my way home, I had to think hard about what had just happened, and if really did just happen. It took a while to sink in that someone else on the face of this Earth actually cares about the war that's taking place and those who are over there risking their lives and sacraficing everything they have, to fight for their country and all that they believe in.
On Monday, I worked. That was a bucket of joy. (Please sense the sarcasm again!) I should just rent a hospital room out and live there. I spend more of my time there than anywhere else. On Tuesday I applied to a new college and signed up for a class. I was told that new classes start in March. This became a problem for me since that is when Tony is due home for his RR. I told them I really didn't want to put off going to school any longer and explained my situation. One of the administrators is a Navy vet, so he was very quick to allow me to bring Tony to class with me. I feel bad having to drag him to school with me when he could be out visiting friends and what not. I even told him that's what he could do if he wanted, but he'd rather spend the time atttached to me, wether I am in class or not. He's so amazing. I really can't think of any other guy who would ever be willing to do that.
Tonight (Wednesday night), I worked until 11pm, and it was just awful. Everything was great until 7pm when a specific co-worker of mine showed up. I just can't stand working with him any longer. And to make it even worse, he works the same weekend as me, for 8 hours of my 12 hour shifts! He constantly calls out of work so that he can attend Red Sox and Patriots games, so I constantly end up working alone. He never gets in any trouble for it. He is forever MIA when he does show up to work. Or he's texting and e-mailing his girlfriend every 30 minutes. So, tonight about a half hour before he came in, we received a trauma. One of our newest techs showed up a little bit earlier so I immediately grabbed her and told her about the trauma because I knew she'd want the experience. Her and I completed everything that needed to be done for the patient, and as I began to help wheel the patient out of the room for his CT scan, that specific co-worker of mine was right there along side of me wheeling him as well. This angered me because that's the only time I ever really see him doing anything, is during a trauma or a code. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that the charge nurse asked him to go to CT with the patient instead of me. I was filled with the rage at the words that had just come out of his mouth. I immediately hunted down the charge nurse and asked him why my co-worker was going with the patient to CT. I was informed that they needed lifting help so that's why he sent him. I'm surprised the charge nurse didn't burst out into laughter with my response of, "What!? You think I'm not strong enough!?" I received the 'be serious about the situation' look from him. I bit my tongue and walked away, because I know for fact that I am strong. I am stronger than most people will ever be! I really enjoy working with this charge nurse, so I wasn't about to burn any bridges. I decided that if my specific co-worker wanted to play, then he could clean up the mess, in the room, that goes along with a truama. So as the night went on, Tony called me. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him for very long, as it was getting close for him to head to work. As I was on the phone with him, my specific co-worker grabbed his food and went to the break room to eat. About eight minutes into my conversation with Tony, the secretary asked me to take a patient upstairs because there was doctor up there waiting on the patient's arrival. Without even turning around to acknowledge her like she deserved, I told her I would do it in a second. She began paging all the techs to the desk because 3 patients needed to be transported. That's when my specific co-worker put me in tears. The secretary asked him to transport the patient I was supposed to. I head my name mentioned, and he looked around the corner to where I was standing while talking on the phone to Tony. That's when said "She's still on her cell phone talking." It wasn't what he said that cut me deep, it was how he said it. It was extremely disrespectful, considering what he does, or doesn't do, all shift long. I burst into tears and told Tony that my co-worker was bad mouthing me and that I wished so much that he could come home. It's nights like these when I want nothing more than to go home and curl up in his arms while he plays with my hair reassures me that everything will be okay. But I can't do that. Instead I have to talk to him for whole 13 minutes while everyone complains about me being on the phone, and then go home to an empty bed and pray that I'll atleast have a sweet dream about him.
I wish, so much, that I could make people understand what I am going through. I know that I chose to live this life, but I really can't picture living my life any other way. But I guess no matter how hard I try, no one will ever really understand until they personally experience it. People just, continuously, tell me to not walk around with such a long face. That I should smile. Be happy. I do smile, and I am happy, but only because what I have with my husband is something so amazing that a lot of people will never have and can only dream about. There's a really short poem that sums everything up in just a few lines. It's my favorite:
On Sunday, I decided to pick up 4 hours for one of my co-workers. I went in at 3pm and it was so busy I ended up staying until 11pm because they desperately needed the extra help. After working my tail off for eight hours straight, the last thing I wanted was to be pulled over on my way home. After I got out of work I called D, like I usually do. In Mass there's a law which states that you can't be talking on your cell phone while driving, or atleast that's what I have been told. So as I was driving and talking to D, blue lights began flashing behind me. I immediately told her I was being pulled over and that I'd call her back after. I really could not think anything I was doing wrong that would cause a cop to pull me over, other than talking on my cell phone, but it was dark out so how could he have seen what I was doing?! As I was digging for my license and registration, I looked up. To my surprise, the cop was right next to my car... still in his cruiser. I was really perplexed at that point. I noticed he had his window down, so as I rolled my window down, I asked him if I could help him. He responded with, "What's his name?" "Excuse me," seemed to be only thing I was able to spurt out in response to his question. There wasn't a single thing about the situation that I seemed to be able to figure out. He then informed me that was trying to read the back of my car and and he was wondering who he (my husband) was with. I politely told him my husband's last name and that he is with the Army. As the both of us continued to block traffic, he told me that the only reason he pulled me over was to say good luck. I thanked him, as my heart finally found it's way from my throat back into my chest. While still blocking traffic, he allowed me to pull out in front of him, and left me with the words "No problem at all." As I continued on my way home, I had to think hard about what had just happened, and if really did just happen. It took a while to sink in that someone else on the face of this Earth actually cares about the war that's taking place and those who are over there risking their lives and sacraficing everything they have, to fight for their country and all that they believe in.
On Monday, I worked. That was a bucket of joy. (Please sense the sarcasm again!) I should just rent a hospital room out and live there. I spend more of my time there than anywhere else. On Tuesday I applied to a new college and signed up for a class. I was told that new classes start in March. This became a problem for me since that is when Tony is due home for his RR. I told them I really didn't want to put off going to school any longer and explained my situation. One of the administrators is a Navy vet, so he was very quick to allow me to bring Tony to class with me. I feel bad having to drag him to school with me when he could be out visiting friends and what not. I even told him that's what he could do if he wanted, but he'd rather spend the time atttached to me, wether I am in class or not. He's so amazing. I really can't think of any other guy who would ever be willing to do that.
Tonight (Wednesday night), I worked until 11pm, and it was just awful. Everything was great until 7pm when a specific co-worker of mine showed up. I just can't stand working with him any longer. And to make it even worse, he works the same weekend as me, for 8 hours of my 12 hour shifts! He constantly calls out of work so that he can attend Red Sox and Patriots games, so I constantly end up working alone. He never gets in any trouble for it. He is forever MIA when he does show up to work. Or he's texting and e-mailing his girlfriend every 30 minutes. So, tonight about a half hour before he came in, we received a trauma. One of our newest techs showed up a little bit earlier so I immediately grabbed her and told her about the trauma because I knew she'd want the experience. Her and I completed everything that needed to be done for the patient, and as I began to help wheel the patient out of the room for his CT scan, that specific co-worker of mine was right there along side of me wheeling him as well. This angered me because that's the only time I ever really see him doing anything, is during a trauma or a code. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that the charge nurse asked him to go to CT with the patient instead of me. I was filled with the rage at the words that had just come out of his mouth. I immediately hunted down the charge nurse and asked him why my co-worker was going with the patient to CT. I was informed that they needed lifting help so that's why he sent him. I'm surprised the charge nurse didn't burst out into laughter with my response of, "What!? You think I'm not strong enough!?" I received the 'be serious about the situation' look from him. I bit my tongue and walked away, because I know for fact that I am strong. I am stronger than most people will ever be! I really enjoy working with this charge nurse, so I wasn't about to burn any bridges. I decided that if my specific co-worker wanted to play, then he could clean up the mess, in the room, that goes along with a truama. So as the night went on, Tony called me. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him for very long, as it was getting close for him to head to work. As I was on the phone with him, my specific co-worker grabbed his food and went to the break room to eat. About eight minutes into my conversation with Tony, the secretary asked me to take a patient upstairs because there was doctor up there waiting on the patient's arrival. Without even turning around to acknowledge her like she deserved, I told her I would do it in a second. She began paging all the techs to the desk because 3 patients needed to be transported. That's when my specific co-worker put me in tears. The secretary asked him to transport the patient I was supposed to. I head my name mentioned, and he looked around the corner to where I was standing while talking on the phone to Tony. That's when said "She's still on her cell phone talking." It wasn't what he said that cut me deep, it was how he said it. It was extremely disrespectful, considering what he does, or doesn't do, all shift long. I burst into tears and told Tony that my co-worker was bad mouthing me and that I wished so much that he could come home. It's nights like these when I want nothing more than to go home and curl up in his arms while he plays with my hair reassures me that everything will be okay. But I can't do that. Instead I have to talk to him for whole 13 minutes while everyone complains about me being on the phone, and then go home to an empty bed and pray that I'll atleast have a sweet dream about him.
I wish, so much, that I could make people understand what I am going through. I know that I chose to live this life, but I really can't picture living my life any other way. But I guess no matter how hard I try, no one will ever really understand until they personally experience it. People just, continuously, tell me to not walk around with such a long face. That I should smile. Be happy. I do smile, and I am happy, but only because what I have with my husband is something so amazing that a lot of people will never have and can only dream about. There's a really short poem that sums everything up in just a few lines. It's my favorite:
"Loving a soldier isn't
always what they say.
And loving him is a
high prive to pay.
It's mostly loving
with nothing to hold.
It's being young
yet feeling so old.
Remember he's thinking
of you everyday.
He's sad and lonely
from being away.
So love him, miss him,
and know he's saying,
'I just want to her...'
And always be proud
to love your soldier."
I wish that people would be just as touched as I am when they read that. I really feel bad for breaking down and crying while on the phone with Tony tonight. He has so much going on over there, not to mention trying to keep himself alive, he shouldn't have to deal my problems and me crying like a baby over what's going on at work. But he knows that it takes a lot to get me upset, and if I am crying over something, other than the mere fact that I miss him, someone must have really cut me deep. I know it hurts him to know that I am upset and there he can't be here to hold me. But somehow, even though he is thousands of miles away from me, he is always able to make me smile. He always knows exactly what to say. Just the sound of his voice and knowing that he is still alive is enough to make all my worries disappear. I can't wait til I can escape into arms for an entire two weeks while he's home for RR. The both us are in dire need of it. Some days feel endless, and every day that passes feels as if it's worse than the last, but I know that it's one day closer to feeling his warm embrace and seeing his sweet smile once again.
posted by Stacie @ 12:41 AM
1 Comments:
At 6:49 PM,
Tina said…
Well I have to say I totally understand what you are going through. I just went though a deployment from Nov 2005 - 2006 and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I have already gone through it once before but this last time we have a daughter. She was 2 in a half at the time he left so she understood a lil. I really don't know how I got myself through it but I did. I just took it day by day and my daughter also gave me the strength to move on. Everyone takes it differently. I can't tell anyone how to handle it. I tried to keep myself busy so it would go by faster but really it still didn't work. Im very inspired of what you have posted. Its good to keep a good head on your shoulders. The best thing I could tell you is don't give up. Show everyone that you can do it and show yourself. Thats the best thing I could do and I did.
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