I'm not really in the mood to blog right now, but I figured I'd atleast take the time to post some pictures for your viewing pleasure...

His company flew back up here from their US base to refuel, and then they headed to Kuwait. So this was the last time I got to see my soldier's sweet face and be wrapped up in his loving arms.

I'll admit it.. Thanksgiving with my family, was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. However, I received a phone call from Tony in the morning that almost gave me a heart attack. He called me when he finished his shift, like he always does. I was still half asleep but able to carry on a conversation with him. The thing I love most about my husband, is that always takes his time getting off the phone with me, no matter what he has to do next, how tired he is, who it is that's kicking him off the phone, or how late he is for his shift. So Thanksgiving morning, we were in mid conversation, when he tells me 'I gotta go! I gotta go! The alarms are sounding and I have to get to safety! I'll call you later and let you know I'm okay! I love you!' The fear that came over me made me want to throw up. Neither of us knew what was going on, so Tony didn't really have anything comforting to say to me, which made me all the more scared.
I was finally able to fall back asleep about an hour later, after I had gone through every possible scenario, in my head, of what could be going on over there. A couple hours later, my cell phone was ringing. I wasted no time answering it, thinking that it might be Tony, letting me know that he is okay. It ended up being his sister. She was calling to say 'Happy Thanksgiving.' Although it wasn't a very happy start to my Thanksgiving, I was grateful for her kind words. Soon enough, I was being passed through the entire family, as they were all trying to get me to calm down. I was talking to one of Tony's brothers, telling him that Tony hadn't called me back yet and I was so worried, when my sister woke up. She started yelling at me saying 'Maybe he's busy over there! Have you ever thought of that? Stop being so self centered!'... Her words cut right through me and I couldn't help but cry (even though I know that crying is not acceptable during this deployment). I tried explaining to her that something bad is happening over there. But that was no use. The more I tried to explain the situation, the more 'self centered' I became. It had been three hours since I had gotten off the phone with him and I was worried.
I was eventually passed to his mom, and in mid conversation, another call was beeping in.. 'I gotta go! I gotta go! Tony is calling me!!! I have to click over!!!' Thank God, for an understanding mother-in-law, she wasted no time saying bye to me and got off the phone while I clicked over to hear the sweet sound of my hubby's voice. I had been crying, and he knew right away that something was wrong. I told him that nothing was wrong and that now I was fine. He got the hint that the previous incident had upset me. He explained to me that something happened in the prison and they had to get in full battle rattle (or whatever it is that they call it) and get ready to run around until they were told that the situation was over. I really don't want to get any deeper into it than that, because I'm still really new at this whole deployment deal and I have no idea what could be classified as a violation of OPSEC, and I have no idea who reads my blog.. or who may read it somewhere in the future. But all that really matters here is that my hubby is OKAY!!!

Time to get ready for work. I hope you all have a great weekend!

It is somewhat difficult to fathom that Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I find myself asking where time went, and at the same time I cannot seem to comprehend why there is so much of it! It feels as if it were only a few weeks ago that Tony and I were going to bars and taking trips up north, engaging in deep, late night, conversations.. confiding, in eachother, all the emotions and complications in our lives that mattered the most to us, yet seemed so minute and unimportant to everyone else.

I actually got to talk to Tony, via internet, earlier this morning, but part of the conversation left me feeling rather guity and depressed. Everything was going well until he happened to mention: "no turkey day dinner for me... just a turkey tv dinner i bought about an hour ago... that i am saving for tomorrow." How do you respond to something like that? It literally broke my heart when he told me that. The man that I love more than anything in this world, gave up a year of his life.. sacraficing and risking everything, and he has to eat a freaking T.V. dinner on Thanksgiving Day... and he can't even be in the company of his own family while doing so. I can't help but feel guilty about it. He'll be stuck in a war zone, with nothing, all through the holidays and I'll be eating home cooked meals while spending time with my family. It really makes me feel awful. I don't even want to go to my grandparents' house tomorrow. I would much rather spend the entire day in bed, sobbing. If that were an option I'd do it in a heartbeat, but it isn't. I know I will be emotional tomorrow. I know everyone is going to ask how Tony is doing, and it's great that they care and all, but sometimes I just don't want to talk about him, mainly because I am so wrapped up in thinking about all the fun times we had before he left, so that I am able to have some sort of control over my emotions and not break down in front of everyone. Ever since the altercation with my manager, I am fully aware of just how wrong it is for me to show my emotions. Apparently, crying and not wanting to discuss what is wrong is reason enough for people to be "concerned" about my mental stability. What perplexes me and makes me sick to my stomach, is that I was told to not let it interfere with my job. So the next time I have a down day and I can't seem to choke back tears, I'll just call out of work. Maybe then they'll realize that my crying, while working, isn't such a hindrance after all.
I'm not going to lie, I'm really nervous about seeing my family tomorrow. I know for a fact there will be plenty of questions. I know for a fact I am going to cry.. whether I talk about Tony or not. Because no matter how often I talk about him or don't talk about him, I am always thinking about him. I am always missing him. And I'm nervous because my family can be a bit judgemental at times, and I don't want them to think that I cry for attention. But there is nothing I can say to make anyone understand the amount of pain and lonliness I carry with me, in my heart, everyday. It's just something that needs to be experienced first-hand.

I'm going to stray from the holiday subject for now... or atleast until tomorrow night.. or sometime over the weekend, when I make a post in regards to how everything went.
I dropped my car off today at the auto body shop. When I left, I wasn't all that thrilled after finding out they wouldn't start working on my car until the middle of next week. So I'm assuming I'll be carless for another 2 weeks or so. I am hoping not longer than that. I feel like such an inconcenience to everyone. I hate the fact that I need to depend on others to help me maintain my ability to migrate. I feel like I am right back where I started earlier this year. Not to mention, this whole lack of transportation is making time go by obnoxiously slow.

On a more cheerful note, I got to see my good friend.. (we'll just call her L) tonight. I hadn't seen her for a few months due to the fact she is in the job corps program. It sounds like she's doing well.. bored out of her mind.. but she's getting by. I'm so extremely proud of her. I see a lot of potential in her. I know she can accomplish anything she wants, as long as she puts her mind to it, and keeps it there. Anyone can do anything.. as long as they have someone in their life who truly believes in them. While hanging out at her place, we watched a few movies. I was lying on the couch, by myself, when it occurred to me, yet again, just how lonely I am. I wished so much that Tony could be there next to me, holding me tightly in his arms. It really hit me hard on Tuesday afternoon when I went outside to have a smoke, and made a phone call to D. We didn't talk for very long.. only a couple of minutes. When I got off the phone with her, that's when I realized how alone I really am. There was no one at my house, and there certainly wasn't anything going on outside. I found myself looking around everywhere, I'm still not exactly sure why, but I remember looking at the empty chair next to me, and missing Tony more than ever. It reminded me of when I had to drop him off at the airport again, back in September, a few days after we had gotten married. I recalled all the pain I felt as I was walking to my car, alone, and turned to hand him my car keys so he could drive.. but he wasn't there. I don't think I ever felt this empty, in all of my life. I am so in love, yet I feel like I am holding on to something that isn't really there. But then when he calls me and I hear his voice, I am filled with all the happiness in the world.. until he has to go to sleep or go to work. That's when solitude sets in, keeping me company once again.

I suppose I should try to get some sleep in tonight so that I am ready to face my family. I hope you all have a wonderful Turkey Day.. and if it's not too much to ask.. please say a prayer, not only for my husband, but for ALL of our troops. Thanks and God Bless!

Interesting. That's all I have to say about the last few days. Or maybe eventful would better describe it. I'm not too sure. Friday is when it all started... after I had posted the last entry. I did get to mail out Tony's packages. My dad had to bring me to the post office of course, because my butt is carless due to the car accident. I'm not too thrilled about that. So after going to the post office, I had my dad drop me off at D's house. We had plans to get some Christmas shopping done. Our plans were annihilated when her and her dad engaged in a WWIII. I won't get into details.. but I was beyond scared. Her dad hurt her pretty bad.. physically. I had no idea what to do. There we were sitting on the couch, watching TV, when the next thing I know her dad had her pushed down into the couch with his hands on her neck. It went on for a good 10 minutes.. it felt like a lot longer than that. Next, I found myself downstairs holding D, doing the best I could to console her, while she cried her heart out on my shoulder. We finally left and started walking to the police station.. when she tried to dial 911 her dad ripped the phone off the floor and threw it. We were almost half way there when her mom picked us up and brought us to my house. Her mom was unable to find her dad at all. He took off by foot for a good 1 1/2-2 hours. We spent some time talking and watching TV... just trying to calm down from the previous events.
I was finally able to borrow the car and go to the mall with D... to try and get some Christmas shopping done. We ended up leaving shortly after we got there. All ended up finding was some Christmas cards for the boys, and I got myself another cell phone charger because I misplaced my other one. We decided to go to Denny's, like we used to do all the time... before she started getting in trouble for getting home too late... from Denny's. I'm not going to lie, we'd get to Denny's at about 11pm and wouldn't leave until about 1 or 2am. All we did was fill up on coffee, chain smoke, and talk. We don't party any more. We don't drink. We don't do drugs. We have changed our lifestyles, and for some reason, no one seems to notice any of that. It's always the negative aspects that they seem to fixate on.
After Denny's, D decided she wanted to go to the police station.. but when she found out she'd have to go to trial and stand before a judge, etc, etc... she said couldn't do it. She ended up not pressing charges against her dad, but her mom still booted her out of the house. So on Saturday we went to her house to get her stuff. Her mom then stated that she hopes the 2 of us have bad luck and that we are messed up in the head.. or something along those lines. As uncomfortable as I felt, I didn't dare leave that house. D needed me there. She is my best friend and she has done so much for me.. there was no way I was leaving her side... and I refused to leave that house without her.
The weekend rolled by painfully slow... due to my lack of a vehicle. We watched some movies, cried some tears, and were finally able to share a few laughs. However, today, her parents tricked her into going home. Her dad called my cell phone last night and talked to her for quite a while saying that he was sorry and he wanted his daughter home and that things will change, etc, etc. Her mom picked her up earlier this AM and D found out that the only reason they wanted her home was so they could try and get her admitted to a psych hospital. I have to work today, and can't really be around for her. I feel awful about that! But I am going to do everything I can to help that girl! When my father picks me up from work tonight, I am going to have him pick her up and bring her back here to my house. My husband is gone right now.. so there is no way I am letting my best friend leave me too. I'm lonely without Tony, but D helps keep me on track.. I'd be completely lost without her.

Enough for now.. I need to get my sneakers on and head to work. I'll update later this week.. if I'm not too lazy of course.

Not a whole lot has happened in the last couple of days, but I figured I'd make a post anyways.

Tuesday wasn't so bad. I got to talk to Tony a lot. Our Tuesday night is his Wednesday morning, and he had the day off Wednesday. We talked for quite a while. He wasn't in that great of a mood when we first started talking, but I was able to work my magic and put a little smile on his face. However, a short while after I was able to put him in a good mood, he received an e-mail letting him know that one of his buddies died over in Iraq a few days ago. This kid was one of Tony's battle buddies during his first tour a couple years ago. Naturally, he wasn't handling the news very well. It tears me apart inside knowing that there isn't anything I can do to comfort him when he needs it the most. And God forbid he sheds a single tear or two about it, his battle buddies will never let him live it down. This whole deployment is just breaking my heart.

On Wednesday night after I got home from working an 8 hour shift in the ER, I had to chase Max (one of our dogs, pure bred Chihuahua) up and down the hall to try and get a urine sample from him. He has had some recent technical difficulties with bladder control. He randomly pees a little bit while he's walking. My parents were upset at him at first, until my sister pointed out that it's just little swirls of pee and that he's not stopping and lifting his leg to pee. They finally brought him to the Vet to get him checked out. Unfortunately there wasn't a whole lot that they could do for him without a urine sample. So that's what I did for almost a good 2 hours... chased after him with a urine cup. I was hoping that I'd scare the piss right out of him. No such luck though.

Today the insurance company sent someone to my house to look at my car and give an estimation as to how much damage there is. Right now we're looking at $2,000. And that amount will most likely increase once we bring it to a body shop and have them throw it on a lift.

I just finished wrapping all of Tony's presents. Well, I wouldn't really call them presents, it's just your normal care package, except everything is wrapped in Sponge Bob wrapping paper. I need to go and shower now so I can make it to the post office and send them out!!

Finally, I am no longer sick! Once again I can eat.. and smell the flowers Tony sent me for my birthday! It feels good to get ailment obsticle out of the way, however, the events that took place over the last few days have left me in a state of complete hysteria, rage, and confinement.

On Saturday, it had been 4 years exactly since my first car accident.. but it didn't dawn on me until after I got into another accident.
I went up north again to visit my new family.. Lord knows they are about the only people who know and understand what I am going through.. and they also help me feel close to Tony as well. So I enjoy every moment that I get to spend with them. I attended the family reunion they had, and brought D with me. We couldn't spend the night up there because the both of us had work the next day.. although given the choice we would've stayed up north. We were following my sister-in-law back to the house, and that's when it happened. It was raining out.. and pretty darn cold too.. we approached a bend and as I began to slow down a bit before entering it, my car began fishy tailing and I couldn't seem to pull out of it. We ended up going off the road and into a big ditch. We just barely missed a telephone pole. Because my car is so low to the ground and what not, there was quite a bit of damage to it. (Tony disagrees with me saying that if he were home he could fix it in a single weekend). That's when the hysteria kicked in, full force. My car still turned on, but I was stuck in that ditch and going nowhere, fast. D decides she is going to try and push my car out of that ditch.. and I'm not going to lie.. she is one girl that I don't ever want to piss off as long as I live. She pushed my car out of the ditch all on her own! We continued ripping pieces of my broken bumper off of my car, while waiting for my sister-in-law to realize that we were no longer behind her so she could turn around and come back and get us. My car drove the rest of the way to the house. (Thank You, God!).
Hysteria was eventually replaced by rage. Sometimes I feel like everything bad happens to me and nothing ever happens to anyone else. On top of that, I had myself convinced that Tony was going to be so angry at me and would probably want to divorce me after I tell him about it. But I was wrong about that. His main concern was me. He immediately asked if I was okay and I told him I was and then I explained to him how everything happened. He told me that would get my car taken care of. He is the best hubby in the world!
Confinement set in on Monday while I was at work. I was actually in a good mood when I got there. Tony and I had been married for 2 months exactly and I got to talk to him as well. So that's enough to put any army wife in a great mood. The individual who ruined it for me was my manager. As she's walking through the department she saw me and asked if she could talk to me. The first thing that went through my head was "Oh, great.. how did I violate the dress code this time?!" But I was way off. I wanted to fall on the floor when I heard the words "Are you okay" come out of her mouth. I honestly could not believe she was asking me that. I wasn't going to tell her what she wanted to hear.. so I told her that I was fine. Then she made mention that I have been "teary" lately and people are "concerned" about me. I reminded her that my husband is in Iraq... in a warzone... where people want to kill him. I figured I wouldn't need to say anything more after that, but to my surprise she says "Yeah?" As if that's not a reason for me to be so upset. Is it really not okay for me to miss my husband?? Then she tells me that people are noticing that I spend a lot of time on the phone. These people that I work with are all sooooo concerned about me, but I get to talk to the one person who I miss more than anything, that's all of a sudden a problem. It's not okay for me to cry at work, but when the only person who can make me smile, calls me from a warzone, it's wrong of me to answer and talk to him. I don't get it. What bothered me most is when my manager suggested counseling. To be honest with you, I wanted to lay her out. I told her I didn't want counseling, it never helps anyone. All you do is pour your heart and soul out to those people while they sit there nodding their head acting like they understand exactly where you're coming from. No one understands unless they are going through it. And the second you cry in front of those people, you are classified as mentally unstable and they push a truck load of pills on you that end up making you feel even more depressed than you were before you talked to them. I can't talk to my family about anything, my friends don't understand, and to top it all off there really isn't anything I can say to people at work without them being "concerned" about me (in the real world we call that being nosy and wanting something to gossip about.. I may be young, but I'm not stupid.). I don't think I have ever felt this alone before.
I have hit rock bottom in this deployment, but I am not willing to give up. I made a commitment and most of all I made a promise. I'm not giving up. Not now, and not ever. I have something worth holding onto, and that's what I am going to do. Things can only go up from here. I hope.

I can't sleep. It's almost 3 in the AM and I am the least bit tired. Hopefully blabbing about my boring life might help me to fall asleep.. Lord knows that anyone who actually reads this falls asleep. I don't blame you though! I probably don't even make sense. Most of the time I have all these unrelated thoughts flying through my head and I can never seem to sort them out.

The emergency room was exceptionally busy tonight. I sat once to tie my sneaker. Other than that, it was non-stop. The other tech I was working with, ended her shift at 6pm and no one else was scheduled to come in until 7pm. I figured that even though we were busy, working 1 hour by myself can't be that bad. I was wrong. Not even 15 minutes after Anne left, we got word on the ambulance line that we'd be receiving a trauma stat. Normally I get kind of excited when it comes time to actually save or possibly save someone's life. It's an emergency room.. we live for that kind of stuff. But tonight it was getting extremely close to the time that Tony usually calls me. And the fact that I was the only tech on wasn't doing me any favors.

The ambulance showed up within 5 minutes, give or take. A drunk 30 year old male who had been walking home from a bar when he was hit by a car. He had lost conciousness, but came around when he arrived at our ER. We did the whole trauma routine.. monitor, EKG, accucheck, blood work, etc. It came time to get him off the backboard so the doctor could assess the rest of him.. and that's when it happened. Tony was calling me. And there I was.. stuck holding this drunk guy.. trying to help him as he called us every name in the book. (I think he even came up with a couple new ones of his own!). My phone kept right on vibrating. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I was contemplating what to do. Trying to plan my escape from the room without anyone noticing. I knew it would be impossible. Finally the rad techs showed up to do a portable x-ray. I took advantage of it and sprinted to the ER kitchen, still wearing full trauma gear.. blue gown, face shield, and gloves. And as my luck would have it.. voice mail had kicked in by the time I was able to answer. I wanted to drop dead!.. but I thank the Sweet Lord above for a husband who never gives up! He called me again. We got to chit chat for about 5 or 10 minutes when I asked him to call me back in about 20 because I had still had to help with the truama. When we had gotten off the phone, I walked out from behind the desk when our charge nurse asked me to get the other trauma stretcher and put it in room 8. Another drunk guy was hit by a car while walking to the store, (I'm assuming he was going to get more beer). He wasn't in that bad of shape either, except for the giant lac on the back of his head. I help get him situated and still caught the call back from Tony. However, my new cell phone gets about half of the reception my old phone got. I can't even remember how many times the call was dropped, due to my lack of reception and bad choice in picking out cell phones. We finally decided it was best for us to just say our 'I love yous' and get off the phone. He had a class to go to before his shift, and I was the only tech in the ER.

The last half of my shift flew by just as fast as the first 4 hours... if not, faster. I went to D's house after coming home and getting changed. (She had a birthday card waiting for me). We sat on the sofa watching Baghdad ER and discussing the boys while sipping on some caffeinated happiness. After our show ended, D decided to head off to bed. She got a new job and has more training in the AM. And I have a 12 hour shift ahead of me. I should get some sleep as well, but I'm still not tired. I know... well, I hope Tony is going to call me after his shift is over. Part of me knows I need sleep or I'll never get over my ailment, and another part of me is just so anxious to hear his voice again. But I guess it couldn't hurt to try and get a little shut-eye.

I'm officially 22 today. It's miserable all around today. I am still sick. It's raining outside. I have to work in an hour. And the one person that matters most in my life cannot be here by my side to celebrate with me. Thank you, Army! Thank you for making yet another birthday of mine a complete waste of a day. Nothing has ever gone right on my birthday. Something or someone always ends up spoiling it. And this year the award goes to the Army. I know the Army isn't really to blame for this.. and even though he volunteered for this deployment, neither is Tony. This is his job and I accepted that when I chose to marry him. I just feel the need to blame this crappy day on someone.. or something.. such as the Army. And to make things worse, today is his day off. Early, early this AM we got to talk on yahoo for quite a while. That came to a screeching stop when he had to take off and go find the post office so he could send me a package. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I wanted in the worst way to tell him that I don't care about the package. It was his day off and I wanted him all to myself!! We he finally got back to his computer, hours later, I am assuming their internet connection died, because he got booted offline in mid conversation and never signed back on. Once again, thanks Army.

I've been keeping really busy lately with getting Christmas packages ready for the hubby. I'm running out of time, yet I feel like there's SO much of it. I'm dreading the upcoming holidays. I know my Aunt will most likely be here, for atleast Christmas. She didn't get to make it to the wedding so I know she will have a never ending list of questions for me, regarding Tony, that will only reduce me to tears. She has already done so once over the phone. Asking me how I do it, and telling me how strong I am to be able to love someone everyday that I wake up without them next to me... I had completely forgotten that my life was going to be like that for the next YEAR! Thank you much for reminding me! (I'm sure you can sense the sarcasm in that.)
I'll be working both New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. It's not like I really have anything better to do. I don't want to hang out with friends and watch them all get kissed at midnight. D and I were discussing this one day while out shopping for the boys and some ballsy lady who had been listening to us the whole time responds with, "It's not all it's cracked up to be." I nearly had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I wasn't sure if I heard her correctly and so I looked at D to catch her reaction. Of course she had them fighting words, "OUR MEN ARE IN IRAQ!" Oh gosh how I love that girl. "Oh. Well.. that's a different story then," and she scurried off in fear. I say fear because D and I were ready to attack. If that lady had stuck around for another 5 seconds, she would have left the store with some missing limbs. The lesson learned here.. you don't mess with any girl who's man is stuck in a war zone. You just DON'T.

Time for work.

I love you Tony! And thank you again for all my precious flowers today!!!!