I apologize for not making a post specifically wishing everyone some safe and happy holidays. I would have, however, this time of year got the best of me. I came down with the dreaded flu. I ended up going home early, from work, Saturday. It's been awful. I haven't started feeling better until today. On Christmas day I was supposed to go to my grandparents' house. I know someone people hate dealing with the grief of making the rounds on holidays, but now that I am older, and I understand just how important family is, I don't mind making the rounds. I was so disappointed when I couldn't be with everyone on Christmas. It's bad enough my husband is in a war zone, but now my family left me home alone as well. I'm not mad at Tony at all for being where he is. I don't have any sour feelings towards him either. He is over there doing something great. He's doing something that a lot of people only dream about doing. I am so proud of him. And I know that next Christmas will be so much better when he's home. It was just a really awful feeling to be that alone on Christmas Day. No one wanted to be around me. And honestly, I can't say that I blame them. Who really wants to be sick with the flu?

The good news is that my article was finally in the paper! You can click on the link to read some of the other stories if you'd like. But if you're lazy (like me) and you don't feel like hunting through all those articles to find mine, here it is...

"SALEM - Newlywed Stacie Hawkins sent her husband soldier six Christmas cards about 12 days ago, in time for them all to arrive by Christmas. In card one, she greets Sgt. Anthony Hawkins with the words: "To my best friend." In card six, she tells the New Hampshire Army National Guardsman she wishes they were together making new memories, rather than apart remembering old ones.

"I think he'll cry on that one," she says over coffee, her husband's dog tags from basic training and his deployment ring strung on a neck chain.

Stacie, 22, of Salem and Anthony, 24, of Dalton got married in September, the same month Anthony's boots hit the sand in Iraq for his second tour. They had been dating a short time before they married, but met two years ago when he came home from his first tour in Iraq.

Stacie, a Salem High School graduate, says the couple cope with separation by talking over the Internet and via cell phone, and by looking forward to being reunited.

Stacie says he gets irritable with fellow soldiers if he doesn't talk to her regularly. This was happening the other day and his commanding officer told him: "Go talk to your wife."

Stacie also tries to bridge the distance separating her and Anthony by sending him Christmas cheer. She just shipped Anthony a big care box including cigarettes and nonperishable food items, each wrapped in Sponge Bob wrapping paper. She stuffed a Sponge Bob blanket inside. He likes Sponge Bob. Stacie's parents shipped Anthony Dunkin' Donuts coffee, another of his favorites. He and the troops reused the grounds three times.

He is stationed outside Baghdad, guarding detainees at a new prison. Stacie finds it very difficult to hear about violence in Iraq and not know whether her husband is safe and secure.

She knew two Salem High alumni killed in May while serving in Iraq, Marine Lance Cpl. Robert Moscillo, 21, and Army Cpl. Nicholas Arvanitis, 22. Stacie works with a mom whose son was killed in Iraq in June, Army Sgt. Daniel Gionet, 23, of Pelham.

In memory of the three men, Stacie has tied three large red ribbons to a dogwood tree. The tree was the lone one in her front yard to survive a winter storm several years ago.

Stacie also ties smaller ribbons to the dogwood, one each day that Anthony is away from home. Anthony cried when he opened an e-mail with a photograph of the tree, she said.

Pictures, presents and conversation will have to do for now, she says.

When Anthony gets back for good late next year, the couple will celebrate all their missed holidays: carve a pumpkin, cook a turkey and buy a Christmas tree. They'll celebrate Valentine's Day and touch off fireworks for July 4, too, she said."

I wasn't as pleased with this article as I thought I was going to be. I feel that the reporter tried to "spice" it up a tad, when it would've been so much more heart-warming if he had just left it alone. I'm guessing this is why my husband dislikes the media so much. I should've taken his word on that subject a long time ago.

Getting back to my miserable Christmas. I guess I can't sit here and complain too much. There are people out there who do have it worse than I do, and my sister got me The War Tapes. This isn't just your regular old war movie... it's the REAL THING! When my husband was in Iraq the last time, people in his company were given video cameras and they filmed for the entire year that were there. I even spotted Tony in it towards the end of the movie! I have been itching to see this for the last couple of months now, while Tony has been asking me not to watch it. He was scared that the movie was going to put false ideas in my head of what he's going through over there now, during his second deployment. However, like your typical, stubborn female, I wasn't about to listen to him. When I told him that my sister had purchased the DVD for me, he even asked me to wait til he comes home on RnR, to watch it. In a way, I'm almost kind of afraid to let him watch it. It's what he went through over there. You can't tell me that it's not going to bring back memories, because you and I both know damn well that it will. But at the same time I am hoping that if he does watch it, it'll help him with the flash backs and nightmares that he has. I'm hoping that it'll help him find some sort of release or escape from all of those fears and unspoken memories. I just want, so badly, for him to be okay. I don't love him any less.. I love him more and more every day that I wake up.

As of yesterday, we have hit the 3 month mark in this deployment. 25% down 75% to go. I'm really excited about it, but at the same time it's so discouraging. He's been gone since July and 3 months is all that has been accomplished. That's it. Not 5, but 3. When am I supposed to see that light at the end of tunnel, because the further we get, it feels like the end is just that much further away. I will be so glad when this entire thing is done and over with. I want my soldier back in my arms right now! I'm just so sick of feeling so alone. I hope to God that these next 9 months fly by.

Well, if I don't post again before this year is over.. I hope you all have a SAFE and happy new year!! Be responsible!!

I can only imagine how long it is going to take me to finish this post. I know it has been a while since my last, but I have been working my butt off lately, as I have mentioned before. Speaking of, that is where I am right now, which is why I am assuming that it will take me forever and a decade to finish this one. There's quite a few people here who can't seem to do anything to help themselves.

As for an update, last Thursday I had an interview with someone from the Eagle Tribune (a news paper in my area). They wanted to interview 3 families who have someone deployed overseas. The article will talk about how I am surviving the holidays without my husband, how we are coping, and the different ways that we communicate with each other. I had a picture taken with the tree in my front yard with the sign that says "One ribbon a day until you're home to stay. I Love You Sgt. Hawkins." It should be in the Christmas Eve paper, and could possibly be on the front page. Atleast now I have something to look forward to for the holidays.

Last week I had a pleasant encounter with one of the nurses that I work with. She asked if she could speak with me out back for a second. At first I thought I had done something wrong, because that's the only time anyone around here speaks to someone else in private. She ended up telling me that she wasn't doing anything special for Christmas, but she wanted to do something nice for someone regardless. She handed me the $50 gift certificate, that the docs had given all of us for Christmas. I was hesitant to accept it. She told me not to say anything and just put it in my pocket. She told me that I work my butt off and I deserved it. I felt really bad accepting her gift, because I feel that she deserves it more than I ever will. She is one of the hardest working nurses in our deparment and I am blessed to know her. This woman is the epitome of amazing.

I got my Christmas present from Tony last week. It's a Tiffany's necklace with two hearts in the form of the infinity symbol. When I got the chance to thank him for it, his response was now you can never say that our hearts aren't together. His words brought tears to my eyes. I have the sweetest husband in this entire world!

I had Tuesday and Wednesday off from work. I definately needed it. I spent those two days catching up with D. She's been going through A LOT lately and really needed to talk to me about it. Last night (Wednesday), we ended up drinking ourselves stupid. The both of us ended up seeing (and tasting) the beef jerky, that we ate, a second time around. The jerky was supposed to be for Tony, but I wanted to try some and ended up eating two bags. Later in the night, when Tony finally called me, I guess I was really upset about the beef jerky. I don't remember the conversation, but this morning he called me and told me all about it. Apparently I was upset that I ate the food I bought for him, which ended up being a waste since I threw it all back up. The beef jerky had me all emotional. How embarassing. D and I did manage to have some fun though. I have missed her dearly the last couple of weeks.

I'm still sitting here at work, bored out of my freaking mind! I picked up an extra shift for a co-worker who is in nursing school. She has an exam coming up, so any extra time she can get to study (or sleep) is big help for her. And a bigger paycheck for me! :) It's just waaaay to slow here right now. I think we have a total of about six patients in the ER right now, with another three hours to go! I am begining to fade.

Today, on my way to work I stopped at Dunkin Donuts (like I always do.. it's next to impossible to make it through a shift in the ER with no caffeine pumping through my system). They have this deal going on where you can purchase 2 pounds of coffee for $10. So, lately, everytime I have stopped for coffee (which is almost everyday) I pick up 2 bags of coffee to send to Tony. Today I was running a little late, but stopped anyways. I became a little aggitated, on my way in, when I saw that there was a line. It was a short line, but still.. who enjoys waiting in any line? Dunkins always has the TV set on the news station, and anytime I see anyone dressed in military fatigues, my eyes become fixated on the screen, just like today. (I know technically it is EARLY Thursday morning, but working second shift and not having slept yet, to me it's still today.. Wednesday.. so bare with me). So, as I was waiting in line, I was half listening to the coversation of the 2 gentlemen in front of me. One of them mentioned Starbucks and me, being the friendly, outspoken person that I am, began venting about the enormous line that is always hanging out the door of Starbucks, and how I have to leave my house at 2pm, if I stop there before I go to work so that I can make in time for 3pm... and there have been times that I still was 5 or 10 minutes late walking through the doors of the ER. One of the guys then noticed the patches on my jacket. One of the patches is from South Carolina, and he asked me if that's where I was from. I explained to him that it was my husband's army career jacket and anywhere he's been, he picked up a patch and put it on the sleeve of his jacket. I proceeded to tell him that my hubby is currently deployed in Iraq and that is why I was wearing his jacket. I am forever telling stories about Tony, and since we were at Dunkins, I told him that when my parents sent Tony some Dunkin Donuts coffee, him and a battle buddy brewed through the same coffee grounds 3 times before throwing them away because they were so thankful to be able to drink such delicious coffee.
As the guy moved forward in line and gave his order, I saw him grab a bag of coffee grounds from the rack. There was plenty of hazelnut and orginal blend left, but no, he had to grab the very last bag of french vanilla. I wanted to bite his hand off! The girl behind the counter explained to him that if he bought 2 bags of coffee he'd be getting a deal. So like any other smart human being, he grabbed another one. As he was paying for his order, I gave mine and I picked up 2 bags of hazelnut coffee for Tony. I moved up further to pay, when the gentleman caught me off guard, sliding the 2 bags of coffee he bought, over to me and told me to tell my husband that he says thank you for everything he's doing. My heart nearly skipped a beat as I thanked him and bit my lip to keep myself from crying. For as long as I live, I will hold, in my heart, his sweet gesture and kind words. That is the first time anyone has gone out of their way and done something special for my husband, instead of just saying thank you. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every kind soul who takes the time to tell me how grateful they are for my husband and others like him. But this man's actions just stand out from all the rest. And especially around the holidays. A lot of people seem to forget what the holidays are about and become some what selfish, doing everything they can to save a buck or two. Not this man. God Bless his soul.

My parents are officially gone for the next ten days or so. I worked 3pm Monday until 2am Tuesday and then brought them to the airport for their vacation, or shall I say.. for my vacation. I love my parents dearly, but this next week and a half without them here.. yeah, I need a break from them. The only down side of it all is that my sister is having her boyfriend sleep over every night. It's not that I don't like him. It's just not fair is what it is. I wish so badly that Tony could be home spending these nights with me as well.. along with every other night. I'm not going to lie, I am jealous. But what military wife or girlfriend, with a soldier deployed, wouldn't be? My sister and her boy may not be around for much longer though. In about 5 or 6 hours they will be heading to Boston to take the ASVAB for the Coast Guard. I haven't quite decided yet if I am going to miss her when she's shipped off to boot camp. I love her dearly too, but I think it's getting to the point where I need a break from her as well. Sorry Levyii! And it's not like she's going to be in a war zone either. After boot camp she plans on doing the reserves. I'm sure by the time she comes home I will be missing her, and of course a few weeks later we'll be ripping eachother's heads off again. The both of them are going to miss Tony, though, when he comes home for R&R. I guess I could always look at it in a positive perspective though.. that's 2 less people I will have to share him with!
My sister and I actually got into a huge argument last night, and I'm still trying to figure out what caused it, because about 10 minutes later she came down to my bedroom to let me know she cooked dinner and that I should go and eat something. I appreciated the time and effort she put into dinner, however, I was suffering from a severe case of sleep deprivation and barely moved an inch before falling asleep again. Tony ended up calling me around 11pm after he awoke from a really horrid dream he had. We didn't discuss his dream, but instead we emphasized our love for eachother. I ended up falling asleep shortly after he took off with one of his buddies to go do some errands, as it was his day off over in Iraq. I woke this morning feeling so rejuvenated after finally being able to catch up on some sleep. I am trying to avoid taking Benadryl every night, so here I am, wide awake and still blogging.. not even the slightest bit tired. I dealt with this sleep cycle at the begining of the year. Staying up every other night. However, tonight really isn't a good night to be staying up. I have to drive my brother to school in the morning and then around noon time I have to go to the hospital to renew my BCLS license, seeing as it expired back in October. I'm sure after that, I'll come back home and pass out. I promised my hubby I wouldn't work myself into the ground! So I suppose I should start taking better care of myself so he doesn't kick my butt when he comes home for RnR! ;)

With the holidays coming up, I have quite a bit of sadness and frustration built up inside of me. So, maybe it's time for one of those "venting blogs." Until this deployment, I never really noticed just how rude and ignorant people actually are. I've been asked some of the stupidest questions and have received some of the most ludicrous comments, from individuals who, obviously, lack even the slighest bit of common sense. I guess should have added that I did not come up with the responses to these.. although, I have used them when lashing out at people. Original posting or not, in my opinion, they are genious and I couldn't have said any of it better myself.

1. I don't know how you do it.

Well, guess what? In all honesty, I don't know how I do it either. I just do. Because really, what other choice do I have? You either do it or you don't... survival of the fittest at its finest.

2. I could never deal with it if my husband was gone for that long.

Hmm... how does hearing about how someone else couldn't do it, help me to deal with it? What it basically comes down to, is that I am stronger than you will ever be, and that is why you aren't married to a soldier. Case closed.

3. Are you scared that something may happen to him while he's there?

This one always perplexed me. Of course, I'm scared. I wouldn't be human if I wasn't. Wouldn't you be scared if your husband was in the middle of a war zone? But being reminded of the fact that something may happen to him doesn't help the situation. This goes hand in hand with the phone calls saying, "Did you see the news?" NO! I didn't! And quite frankly, I really don't want to see the news either!

4. Do you miss him?

Every time I have been asked this, I have wanted to respond, "Oh no, most definately not. I like it when he's gone. It gives me the chance to be all by myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Who wouldn't want that?" Of course, I miss him. Wouldn't you miss your husband?

5. I know just how you feel. My husband was on a business trip last month for three days and I just thought I would die.

Are you kidding me?! Unless his business trip was to a place where everyone is openly carrying a gun in the street, trying to kill him, and suicide bombers and roadside bombs are prevalent, it is not remotely close to being the same. The only thing I may give you on this one is that you know what it's like to sleep in an empty bed.

6. Do you worry about him cheating on you? Or along the same lines... How can you go without sex for so long?

Well, people, it is a little thing called self control. That and a love for my husband and respect for my marriage. Do some people cheat? Sure they do - both here in the states and overseas. But people cheat in civilian marriages too. Being in the military has no bearing on that. And furthermore, there are a LOT of marriages that DO survive even after one, or the other, has been unfaithful, on both the military side and the civilian side of life. It happens, nobody is perfect, and though the time and distance apart isn't helpful to regular routine family life, if someone is going to cheat, they are going to do it whether they are on the other side of the world or lying right next to you every night in bed.

7. How can you sleep at night knowing your husband is a murderer? Won't you be afraid when he comes home?

This one sets me off more than any other. No soldier is a murderer. Have they had to kill someone? Quite possibly. But there are a great many soldiers who never have. It's not something they talk about in daily conversation. Regardless of what they do overseas, it does not make them a murderer. They are in a war zone and following orders. I have never once even had an inkling that I should be afraid of my husband because he is a soldier. If anything, I feel the most safe around him than I do around anyone else.

8. I'm so sorry your husband had to be deployed. Don't you just hate President Bush?

My husband joined the military of is own free will AFTER 9/11 knowing full well that he would probably be deployed. The President may be the one running the show, but my husband knew what he was getting into when he joined. I am proud of him and his accomplishments. Politics and religion are subjects that I do not care to discuss with anyone, unless you feel like having your head ripped off.

9. If you truly supported your husband, you would be protesting so he wouldn't have to deploy again/could be brought home/the war would end.

Really? My definition of support must be much different than the definition of support by these people. Supporting m husband means supporting him in what he does and what he believes in. It does not mean disrespecting the men and women who volunteered to defend our country and our rights. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have the right to protest in the first place. I'm certainly not putting myself in a position where it could possibly be contrued as anything other than 100% support for our troops and their families.

10. I can't believe your husband did this to you. Aren't you mad at him?

Um, what?! My husband didn't do anything to me. He honors his agreements and he follows the orders of his superiors. There's certainly nothing sad or maddening about having a husband who fulfills his commitments. Don't feet sorry for me. I'm proud of my husband and I completely support him.

I have a limited amount of time to post. I just got home from work about an hour ago and I was so exhausted, I ended up running off of adrenaline, which makes it extremely difficult for me to unwind and fall asleep. So what did I do to solve that problem? I'll give you one guess... Benadryl!

This week has been ridiculously hectic for me! I worked last Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, putting in a total of 43 hours. Tuesday night was Tony's day off, so of course I forced myself to stay awake as long as possible to talk to my sweet hubby! Wednesday I went to work again for another 8 hour shift, looking forward to having the following 4 days off. Of course I could never be so lucky. And apparently, luck isn't the only thing I am lacking.. add brains to that list as well. I went to the hospital Thursday evening to pick up my paycheck, even though I have direct deposit.. I was just that bored and desperate for something to do. The charge nurse that night, who happens to be one of my favorites, asked me if I'd like to work 7p-11p and pick up a few extra hours. Knowing that it would be over time for me (and that my manager is so desperate for help she's allowing anyone and everyone as much OT as they want.. until she gets spoken to about it by her boss) I agreed to pick up the hours. I ended up getting there for about 6:30 pm. Our nursing supervisor, somehow, got me to agree to stay until 3am so that the nurses would have atleast 1 tech. As 3am, quietly, rolled near, the ER suddenly began to pick up, delaying my departure until 6am! By the time I got home I wasn't tired at all! I ended up finishing a letter to Tony, wrote in his monthly anniversary card, and also wrote in his 6 Christmas cards. When I completed all of that, I headed to my bedroom knowing that he would be calling me shortly. I sat on my bed and reached for his t-shirt that I had been sleeping with for a while. This t-shirt of his, provided me so much comfort due to the fact it smelled like him. And not because I doused it with his cologne either. It had his natural scent on it.. up until Friday morning. When I didn't find that scent of comfort, I started to panic. Finally, after a week of being in a great mood, I was able to let out a good cry.

I'm going to have to end this here for now! Benadryl is kicking in!!!

I guess I can't hide forever. Time for an update I suppose. This week has felt like nothing but hectic. You're probably assuming that that's a good thing because it's helping the time to pass at a more tolerable pace, right? Wrong! I feel like I should have run myself into the ground by now. In my mind, I don't even have time to be blogging right now, but I don't want to betray my faithful readers (if I even have any). And I'm not going to lie, I have been patiently awaiting December's arrival in my archive. The average person may find it silly, but seeing the months accumulate in the archive section, helps me realize that I actually am getting somewhere in this deployment. It gets to point where you wake up, get through the day, go to sleep, and do it all over again, yet you feel like you're stuck in a rut and you will never reach the destination that lies ahead of you. Call me crazy, but every little thing helps.

I appologize for the lazy blog on Tuesday. I blame my lack of energy on the previous handful of days before that. The weekend sucked every ounce of life out of me. Working those 3pm - 3am shifts do a number on me. Saturday was tolerable, but Sunday is what did me in. With flu season viciously looming over our heads, the ER has been non-stop. I had no trouble falling asleep when I got home at 3:30am, Monday morning. About 5 later I received my daily phone call from Tony, and told him that I would be going up north later in the day to go and get his car (mine is still being fixed from the car accident). After we got off the phone , I managed to fit in another hour or so of sleep, until my dad woke me up, so that we could head up north, it being a 2 1/2 hour trip. I slept pretty much the entire ride. When we arrived, my dad and I got right to work. We were hoping to get away with just jump starting Tony's car, which we were able to do. We let the car run, while we went to get it registered and what not. This ended up being quite the process, and it left me somewhat confused. I asked the lady if I could get my address put on Tony's registration. I didn't realize that if I did that, I'd have to get the car registered back at home as well. I told her to leave it as it was. Come to find out, it was his PO Box (which he longer has) from the town he used to live in. I finally asked if we could make it his parents' address. She ended up giving me the run-around about how it's not legal for me to receive his mail and then have a different address on the registration, etc, etc. I then proceeded to tell her that I don't receive any of his mail, it all goes to his parents' house due to the fact his dad is his POA (power of attorney). That's when I was told I should've brought his dad with me, it would have made the whole process a lot easier. We went back and forth a little while longer, and just as she was about to give in, and let me sign my husband's name on the registration, she needed proof that we were married. I had been carrying around a copy of our marriage certificate, but since I had all my paper work and IDs changed, I didn't think I'd need it anymore. I started to panic, thinking we'd have to drive all the way back home to get it. But God Bless military IDs. I busted that bad boy out like there was no tomorrow. So we were finally able to get all the essential paper work and headed back to my in-law's. We got the plates put on his car (while it was still running) and then shut his car off and attempted to turn it back on (to see if we'd need to get a new battery). As my luck would have it, his battery was completely dead. This calamity brought us to our next extravaganza. Walmart. From what I've been told, Walmart has "everything." Everything but a battery for a 2001 Hyundai. From there we went to another place, and they didn't have any either. As we were running out of options we decided to swing by VIP, and thankfully they had what we were looking for. We got back to the house and my dad put the new battery in and the car ran beautifully. After hanging out for another 30 minutes or so we headed back down south, and arrived at our destination safely... no accidents.

Tuesday was another non-stop adventure at work. I was happy to be out of there by 11pm. My Tuesday night is Tony's Wednesday; his day off. I stayed up until about 3am talking to him on the internet before I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I ended up sleeping until about 4pm, Wednesday. To be honest, I don't even remember what I did after I woke up. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that because I had slept the entire day. So I took more Benadryl, and slept until about 2pm, Thursday. I ended up doing some errands with my sister. As mad as she makes me sometimes, it was nice to get to spend some time with her again.

Tonight was non-stop again in the ER. I guess shouldn't complain though. I'm the one who is always hoping for a busy night. Time drags when there is a scarce amount of patients. Those are the nights I find myself cleaning anything and everything in the department, while my co-workers stand around gossiping, and look at me as if I'm out of mind for doing more work than what is required of me. I'm hoping that in the long run, it'll pay off. But who am I kidding? No one ever recognizes a job well done. My co-workers are always the first to point out my mistakes. So now I have myself convinced that I clean and keep myself busy to pass the time.
After work I came home to empty house. My family, with the exception of my little brother, went up north for my cousin's wedding. I got to stay home due to work this weekend. It's supposed to be my weekend off, but I swapped with a co-worker who needed the weekend off more than I did. At the time I told her I'd work for her, I had forgotten about the wedding. But now that I have had time to think about it, I'm rather relieved that I didn't have to go to the wedding. I already went to one cousin's wedding, alone, back in August. I don't really feel like going to another. I know they may sound a bit selfish, but put your significant other in a warzone... then come talk to me about it.