In my last post I mentioned about messing with time. Well, I'd give anything to speed it up.. err.. rewind it. I'd be crazy to age myself so quick like that. June 2009 is where I'd like to be again. When my sister was home. Rewind it and just freeze it. I miss her alot. It really upsets me that I am not going to see her again until December of 2010. Unless Tony and I can get up the money for a couple plane tickets to Hawaii. But the economy these days, we all know what kind of miracle that'll take! Tangled up in my sadness of missing my sister, are also feelings of anger.. or maybe more like envy. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that ever since she joined the Coast Guard, my parents have done nothing but talk and brag about her. As well as my little brother. Because he is in college and is doing so great and my parents are so proud of the two of them. I feel like I don't have a place in their lives. And it really hit me today. I went and saw my mom and while I was there I showed her a link to a video that my sister is in. Her company made the video on the boat while they are underway to Japan and China. And Levyii is in it. Immediately my mom posted it to her facebook and began ranting and raving about how proud she is, and it's so cool to watch it and see her. And she went on and on. I posted the link to a video that I am in from my visit to the Playboy Mansion last year for an Autism fundraiser. Not a word from her. So what. The military isn't my thing. I enjoy modeling. And not to mention, I settled for the army wife life. So does that make my life easy??!! I really don't know what it's going to take for me to make my parents proud. It would make things a whole lot easier if, perhaps, they could tell me. Not living up to their expectations, in a way, makes me feel ashamed. I still look sad even when I'm happy. Maybe that's why someone once told me that I have a Mona Lisa smile...

It's raining. As if we didn't get enough rain this summer! I'm over it! Although I really shouldn't be complaining. I guess rain is better than snow. I am dreading the cold weather, which happens to be fast approaching. This rainy day blog post does bring a bit of good news, though. Keith is alive. However, he is having a difficult time coping with the events that took place that weekend. Nine deaths on his base that was ambushed, but thankfully he wasn't one of them. On the flip side, Johnny Barton is still dead. And I am still in denial. On Friday, after driving an hour and a half to Plymouth NH, to attend Johnny's wake, I got there only to find out he has been cremated. I stood there staring at a picture of Johnny which was placed beside his urn. I couldn't understand how someone so genuine and with so much talent and spirit, could just be cremated. I lack the knowledge as to whether or not it was his wish to be cremated, but it still upsets me. How am I supposed to come to terms with his abscence?? I do not enjoy seeing dead people. Lord knows I see enough of them at work. It just doesn't feel real without being able to see. I doubt that makes any sense at all. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses instead of letting go. You would think that for someone who has been to far too many funerals for someone her age, that I'd be able to deal with this. Just because the number has gotten bigger, it doesn't mean that it gets any easier. I'm just numb. I'm tired of feeling sad. My husband is home from Iraq.. I thought life was supposed to be perfect now? But deep down I know the, unfortunate, truth. Life goes on. Just like it did when Tony was deployed. There's no way to speed it up, rewind it, or even freeze it. It just continues, allowing people into your life. And then taking them away just as fast, if not faster, as they entered your heart.

I am disappointed in myself for not keeping up with this blog on a regular basis like I used to, and find myself coming back here at the mercy of bad news.

The last three days were a whirlwind for me. I can still feel my head spinning and I am not exactly sure when it is going to stop spinning. If I break it down for you all maybe it will also give me a better understanding as why this all happened at the same time and smacked me in the face.

Friday (night) October 2nd
As I wasted a small portion of my life of facebook, I found out that a photographer/friend of mine, John Barton, was sick in the hospital. Him and I exchanged FB messages after I asked him what was wrong. He replied and told me he was admitted to the hospital for a severe foot infection. It turned into an abscess and his doctor ended up having to drain it, releasing 30cc's of puss out of his foot and put him on heavy duty IV antibiotics. They were trying to avoid amputating his foot. At the end of his FB message he "thanked me for caring."

Saturday October 3rd
Saturday morning, I had to work in the ER. Jan, our weekend nursing supervisor and the mother of my friend, Kerri (who is dating another friend of mine,his name is Keith, who joined the Army and is deployed in Afghanistan right now).
Anyways.. Jan was doing her rounds throughout the hospital and made her way down to the ER. She began to tell me of a dillema that kerri was in. Keith has R&R this month. However, right smack in the middle of his RR Kerri had already arranged a plane ticket for an out of state reunion, which is very important to her. Keith didn't want her to go, naturally. She really wants to see all these people because after the reunion they will all be scattered around the US. And she's having trouble trying to figure out what she should do. Having been through it all before, my response was easy. I told her that in my opinion, Kerri should cancel her trip to the reunion. That she should spend every waking moment with Keith because she doesn't know if it'll be the last time she will ever see him. After Keith's R&R she can book flights around the U.S. to see her friends. She will NEVER be able to book a flight to Afghanistan. It's a matter of who and what is most important to her.

Sunday October 4th
Again, I was at work again in the ER. I went on my lunch break and then outside for a smoke. When I came back in and hung up my sweatshirt in the breakroom the charge nurse was in there on her break. She told me that Jan was looking for me. I went out to the department and the other tech, also, told me Jan was looking for me. I went to Bryan, the secretary and he told me to page her. I waited about five minutes with no call back. So I asked Bryan if he knew what it was about. He said, "yes." When I asked him WHAT it was about, he said "It's not my position to tell you. Page her again." That's when I felt like someone kicked me in right in the gut. I tried to convince myself that it was in regards to our laceration trays. I paged Jan again. When she finally called back, I could hear it in her voice as she started to tell me that she had just spoken with Kerri. Keith's base in Afghanistan was ambushed Saturday morning, eight U.S. soldiers had been reported dead already. One of them being Keith's bestfriend.
Later on in the evening, after I had got home from work, I was back on facebook. That's when I noticed all the posts on John Barton's page saying "Rest in Peace." He died Saturday morning. Not even 24 hours after I had talked to him. I am in one big, giant state of shock right now. And I know that only time will help heal this heavy heart that I must drag along with me as I place one foot in front of the other... taking one step at a time.