For some reason, I woke up this morning and all I could think about was blogging. I know that probably sounds a little odd and may make me out to be a tad bit abnormal, but while Tony was away I found solace in blogging. It was always a way for me to voice my opinions, rejoice my milestones, or drown in my sorrows and know that somewhere out there... someone could relate. Most of all, when I first started this blog, I always prayed that it would reach someone who was losing faith, and that maybe my experiences could help that someone realize that the sparkling light at the end of the tunnel (the one that people always make mention of) really does exist. Now that I am holding that pretty little light in my hands (in other words - now that Tony is home), I have no excuse to stop blogging. Any military wife knows (and if you don't know... you better learn quick), that the journey does not come to a screeching stop at the end of a deployment. Your soldier is not the same person he was before he left. I'm sure a lot of new military wives/girlfriends have heard that a million times already, but it's true.

My hubby has been coping really well, however, he still has his moments when waves of panic dominate him. He still has his nightmares. And he still sometimes fears that he is going to lose me. The fear of losing me seems to be his biggest battle, although, that fear does seem to stem from his nightmares. At times I am desperate to figure out if I am helpless or useless. I know I can't take his nightmares away and there is nothing I can do to change them either. I can see the sadness in his eyes when he elaborates on the dreams he has about losing me. I am perplexed (and I'm sure Tony is as well) as to why he'd have such horrible nightmares like that. He's home safe and unharmed. I don't get it. And it kills me to know that he is home and still carries such heaviness in his heart. It's not your normal laught it off-it's only a dream situation either. I am compelled to comfort him. I know actions speak louder than words and I can finally comfort him with a hug, but he knows I can turn my words into something powerful yet calming at the same time. And, as everyone knows, I am not one to keep my mouth shut. I've told him before that I waited (and waited faithfully) for him for 14 months, and now that he's home, it wouldn't make much sense for me to take off now. I never would've promised to wait for him if I had intentions of betraying him, even if they were in the very back of my mind, the promise would not have been made.

I wish so much that he could adjust back to civilian life in a heartbeat, but.. patience is a virtue (or so they say). I have a different lifestyle now. And I knew that at the begining. I knew my life would never be the same, but I didn't know exactly how different it would be. I knew my soldier would need to adjust after this deployment, but I didn't think I was going to have to do the same. It's not a bad thing. And I am willing to do whatever it takes. However, like any other military wife, I wish instructions came with the lifestyle.